D-i-L cutting us off, no reason, how to respond?

Lily-Rose_3

supersaver2 wrote: »

Couldn't agree more, the nit picking and criticism of what the OP calls her granddaughter are very bizarre.

Have to say the daughter in law sounds like hard work. Maybe me and my wife are strange, when my MIL buys me a present as the OP did her DIL, I thank her myself, wouldn't expect my wife to thank her (presents for our child could be thanked by either parent). I'm close to my parents and to my in laws. Life is to short for all this rubbish and ill feeling. All this sensitivity over people suggesting names and getting told 'to shove it' it almost feels like I've been reading about a parallel universe, are folk really, honestly that sensitive?

Also agree very much that 'Sulphate's' comments are bizarre. To suggest that someone should not call their son's children her grandchildren. Why on earth not? Maybe she also thinks that the OP should not call her son's wife her 'daughter-in-law,' but call her 'her son's wife.'

I would love to know why 'Sulphate' thinks it's odd for a woman to call her son's children, her grandchildren. And not just come up with 'OK I get your point!' If you're going to say something so critical and frankly quite mean, at least give a reason for what you've said. I am also baffled that someone thinks it's OK to tell their mother in law to 'shove it!' I can see THIS going down well with most Mother in Laws. Yeah right! If any Daughter-in-Law of mine talked to me like that, she wouldn't get back through my door again until she had apologised. What kind of a rude little madam would say that?! Speaks volumes about her upbringing and manners!

FWIW OP, I think your daughter in law sounds like a right mare! A real moody diva. I think the son sounds like he may be quite 'controlled' by her too. The OP should really try to find out what is going on. It doesn't sound good. And how frustrating that they are 1000s of miles away!

sulphate

Obviously you aren't reading my posts so I will spell it out for you again, because I didn't mean to offend.

1. I found the comments used interesting in context with the rest of the post. That's all. I never said it was weird. Obviously everyone uses different phrases. If I was writing about my daughter in law that way, I would say "my daughter in law doesn't trust her daughter with anyone else". What exactly am I supposed to say other than "point taken"? I accept that everyone uses different phrases.

2. The phrase "tell someone where to shove it" is quite commonly used round here, no one actually uses the words "shove it". Obviously I would never tell anyone to actually shove it. Again, an expression which some people aren't familiar with.

3. I do think it's rude to suggest baby names, but it depends on the context. Apparently the OP has already clashed with daughter in law about this issue, so it's clear any suggestion she did make was unwanted.

Going back to the original thread, many people these days don't respond to emails just because they forget, I'm not saying its right, just the way of the world, as sad as it is, it's not a priority for many people. In this case, perhaps she was expecting her husband to do the communicating. I sometimes get texts from my MIL asking something but don't reply in time before she gets an answer from her son. I'm not being rude, there just isn't always a need for me to reply.

Edit: not sure why my post is headed by a sad face.

Primrose

Well, it may be that your son has turned out not to be the perfect husband you I imagine him to be, is not pulling his weight and with two small children to cope with your daughter in law is becoming disillusioned with her marriage. Or she has post natal depression, in which case your son is trying to cope with two unhappy women on either side of the Atlantic, has a conflict of loyalties and is between a rock and a hard place.
Could you plan a holiday out there where they could join you for a weekend away with the children somewhere to give her a bit of a break? If you all meet on neutral territory with no pressure on her to entertain or cook it might make the atmosphere more convivial.

jetplane

Oh s0d it I am the mother / mother in law from he11 I call them my grandchildren, I would have chosen their names if I could and I make suggestions and offer opinions :eek: I live by the parents rules if they say no or do it this way then I obey so they do have the final decision and I respect their wishes. And I'm never offended when they tell me to butt out

However I had a sister in law who didn't like my mother for whatever reasons. They also lived abroad and my parents were never made welcome by her. OP I don't know how you should react, I haven't looked at the other thread but my sister in law would have been happy if my mother did not bother at all. My brother always put his wife first and denied any offense or bad feeling.

Your son might not even know what is wrong if a perceived insult has come second hand, through her own mother for example. She may have not wanted company when she was pregnant and resented it or she may have chosen not to tell him how she feels so as not to criticise his parents. I don't envy you though and I think the only way to respond is to keep in touch with your son and ask him to send updates, make time to skype etc.

X

lostinrates

usignuolo wrote: »

Just to add, some later comments about their MILs appear to have got confused with my original ones. At least criticise me for my behaviour not someone else's!

Also just for clarification, we emailed both of them to ask to Skype, and she was the one who replied to say they are too busy. I usually email both of them about family matters, like visits, but have also sent her an occasional email (3 in 6 months) asking how she is and how the children are and sending some UK news, and she has not replied to any of these. i agree with others , that's rude, has your son replied to them? It does sound like she is offended or put out about something though, if handling it poorly.

We were staying in a nearby hotel, not with them and had been invited round there to dinner by them. My dil is a a very keen cook and my son said beforehand she was looking forward to cooking for us all as a family. I offered to help but it is a very small flat with a cubby hole kitchen and on other occasions when we ate there she said it was easier for just one person. We did help to lay the table and do the washing up and I offered to do some shopping. i sympathise with dil over this, I hate people in my 'kitchen' space and find people being 'helpful' well intentioned and kind but privately slightly grating. I am not excising her on this front, just explaining that what you see as helpful ( and all should receive as meat well) some find intrusive. If she likes cooking and didn't something was obviously up, don't you think?

My son works in the US because his firm sent him there, not because he chose to go there, in many ways they would prefer to be in London because that is where they met and where all their friends are. My son has been trying, unsuccessfully so far, to get transferred back to the UK.
hmm, I have friends who say the same to their families.
Finally when we were there my husband did speak to my son to ask if we had done anything to offend and he insisted we had not. We rather hoped she was just feeling a bit moody that week but there has not been any contact since we got back to speak of, and as I said at the beginning, we wanted to go out and see the baby and were put off.

just because people say something 'no, of course she's not upset', doesn't mean its true. Sometimes, for people who like an easy life, or private people, this is a path of least resistance. I dislike it too, but I know it happens.

My husband is the mildest of men and very easy going and is at loss to understand why she could not at least be civil to us, given we see so little of them.

I'm sure he is at a loss, but you seem to be too, ( understandably) An example of someone not quite saying the whole of how they feel?
This sort of thing, like the non communication, doesn't always resolve things well. Tactful honestly might be better than the sideways move to avoid any responsibility? It works with me and I sound quite like your dil....make of that what you will.

Fleago

sulphate wrote: »

I do think it's rude to suggest baby names, but it depends on the context. Apparently the OP has already clashed with daughter in law about this issue, so it's clear any suggestion she did make was unwanted.

I don't think she did clash with her daughter in law over names though, sulphate. I read it that her son warned her that d-i-l's own mother and sister had been in trouble for doing so, so that she wouldn't make the same mistake.

usignuolo wrote: »

My son has even warned me off suggesting names for the new baby on the way as her own mother and sister got frozen out for doing that.

I find it odd though that it would be considered rude for family to suggest names for a new baby. Wouldn't it just be a bit of fun? If someone suggested names to me, I wouldn't take offence.

Not getting at you, sulphate, I'm just genuinely surprised people would find it rude.

Buzzybee90

Fleago wrote: »

I don't think she did clash with her daughter in law over names though, sulphate. I read it that her son warned her that d-i-l's own mother and sister had been in trouble for doing so, so that she wouldn't make the same mistake.



I find it odd though that it would be considered rude for family to suggest names for a new baby. Wouldn't it just be a bit of fun? If someone suggested names to me, I wouldn't take offence.

Not getting at you, sulphate, I'm just genuinely surprised people would find it rude.

I think it's more when family names are 'suggested'... I would find it annoying but not rude unless they were being serious.

BigAunty

Lily-Rose wrote: »

FWIW OP, I think your daughter in law sounds like a right mare! A real moody diva. I think the son sounds like he may be quite 'controlled' by her too.

I'm with you on this one, though I accept perhaps she could be depressed or stressed out, for example. I'm also not sure whether the OP has suppressed her opinions as well as she thinks but it does sound like her DiL is a mardy cow.

Even if her hubby had, for example, invited them over for dinner without properly consulting with his wife or failing to properly plan food for it, why did she have to be so anti-social as to send out her hubby to fix it and why did that he just come back with a tin of soup (unless they are in rural New York as opposed to the city or a large town in the state)?

Both actions seem insulting. What's so hard about saying 'I'm really sorry but there's been a mix up or miscommunication about tonight and you've caught me unaware, bear with me while I sort it out/how about a takeaway/hubby will be popping out to the supermarket to get your supper'? Instead of that inhospitable farce that the OP was presented with?

Sending someone to Coventry is something that moody teenage girls grow out of. The OP was directly snubbed by her daughter for 24 hours for the minor transgression of letting the little one watch TV for too long (because the OP wasn't told what the limits were). Who actively ignores the people in their presence for a long-stretch apart from the bitter, rude or mentally ill?

Anyone can find a couple of minutes to respond to an email, post a photo on a relative's Facebook account or send a text - my pals with anywhere between 1 and 5 kids have no problems providing updates on FB or by phone to me of their news. Getting virtually no communication back is a sign of being blanked, not too busy.

It all sounds rather spiteful and immature.

OP should trust her own instincts and appreciate she is actually being actively cut out of her grand-childrens life and that she may never find out the reason for this, whether her son is harbouring a childhood grudge, the DiL is self-obsessed or has PND, etc.

Bennifred

1) Maybe your DIL just doesn't like you, usignuolo? Not necessarily because of something you have/have not done or said, but a personality clash?

2) Also, some women are extremely possessive of their children and see them as belonging exclusively to them, and resent anyone else having any sort of claim, particularly in-laws.

3) She may also have post-natal depression.

Or any combination of the above three points.

I think all you can do is be cheerful, pleasant and undemanding, because your DIL holds all the cards. Don't give her any reason to cut you off altogether. I wouldn't keep asking "What's wrong?" because that could be perceived negatively.

What a sad situation!

Seanymph

I can't help but think there is a difference between MIL's whose daughter is in the relationship and MIL's where the son is.

The OP has expressed that the DIL's Mother has been and she hasn't, and that isn't equal and therefore fair.

But as the mother of two daughters I know they would find it easier to be 'relaxed' for want of a better word in front of me, than in front of their partners mums.

We went to my step sons on sunday for a father's day thing and his g/f's mum bought the desserts, I'd offered to, but was told no. But her mum arrived and did the desserts and piled into the kitchen - and I'd have done the same if it was my daughter.

So I don't think it IS as equal.

I also think talking to her mum about her is silly - because even if I mmm'd and ahh'd with my son in laws mum rather than row with her I think I'd feel bound to pass along her opinion - even if only to forwarn my daughter.

I don't know what point I'm making really - just that I don't think it's the same, the man's mother and the woman's mother.