D-i-L cutting us off, no reason, how to respond?

supersaver2

duchy wrote: »

It really doesn't matter what you think though- Your FIL presumably lives a bit nearer to you than NYC and you see him often so any tactlessness is watered down by his better points If you saw him once a year and the first thing he did was tell your your attachment parent was a lot of nonsense.....maybe you too wouldn't be so tolerant.

There's no value in who is "right" or "wrong" just trying to see reasons for reactions on both sides to try and help the OP resolve the situation......and fronting up the DIL (who holds all the cards) and telling her she's acting like a 15 year old ................isn't likely to bring about a happy ending.

Always nice to be told on a forum that what I think doesn't matter! Does what you think matter just out of interest?!

Bennifred

supersaver2 wrote: »

Always nice to be told on a forum that what I think doesn't matter! Does what you think matter just out of interest?!

See how easy it is to take something the wrong way (or rather not the way it was intended)- especially when not said face-to-face?!

Morglin

purpleshoes wrote: »

I dont think it is true. Some mums have a close relationship with their son even if the son is married or lives with a partner.

And some mums and daughters certainly don't have great relationships.

No, it is a very generalised saying, and, thankfully, I have a great relationship with my son and DIL, despite not seeing them a lot (she's American and they live there).

But, when a daughter is pregnant, and then gives birth, she generally is closer to her mum than a DIL would be.

This whole thread, in my view, gives the impression, of a stroppy and strident DIL, and a blunt OP, with some poor bloke stuck in the middle!

New mums can also be touchy etc.,

But, I don't get on wonderfully with all of DH's relatives, but if I don't have to see much of them, I think it shows respect for him if I am polite and welcoming anyway.

Lin

Person_one

Judi wrote: »

Well I was going to post that saying earlier but didn't. True though.

Its not true though.

Maybe people who have issues like the OP is having might draw comfort from it, but the fact is that there are loads of mothers and adult married sons who have great relationships, and MILs and DILs who get on brilliantly.

Bennifred

Person_one wrote: »

Its not true though.

Maybe people who have issues like the OP is having might draw comfort from it, but the fact is that there are loads of mothers and adult married sons who have great relationships, and MILs and DILs who get on brilliantly.

Well as the mother of three sons, I certainly hope so!:T

Person_one

Bennifred wrote: »

Well as the mother of three sons, I certainly hope so!:T

The only case where its true in my family is where its totally the mother's fault that they aren't close.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

The only case where its true in my family is where its totally the mother's fault that they aren't close.

I think these things can be mutual. I certainly think in my family no one person shoulders the whole of the fault where its happened. Sometimes people are just really different and want different things, particularly things they might feel they are robust enough to deal with but don't want young children to feel are 'their normal' even if they are normal to others.

Person_one

lostinrates wrote: »

I think these things can be mutual. I certainly think in my family no one person shoulders the whole of the fault where its happened. Sometimes people are just really different and want different things, particularly things they might feel they are robust enough to deal with but don't want young children to feel are 'their normal' even if they are normal to others.

They can be, they aren't always.

Nicki

This has been an interesting thread!

The title is DIL has cut us off for no reason but as the thread has developed it has transpired that the DIL invited the OP into her home as a guest, was perfectly pleasant and welcoming towards her, and was rewarded by the OP !!!!!ing with her mother behind her back about her attachment parenting methods, and that the OP, a self confessed extrovert, has referred to her introverted son (in his presence) for years as "his extreme privateness".

The DIL has reacted to the OP's cattiness not by saying "F off back to London you biatch" (as some in her shoes might have been tempted to do, or by telling her to "shove it" as some have suggested they might do, but simply by quietly making herself unavailable to the OP whilst allowing her husband (and by extension the children) to stay in contact. Yet OP is complaining, and others are supporting her, that the DIL is rude.

I have to say I would be unimpressed by someone being so rude as to criticise my parenting to my own mother in my own house behind my back when I had been nothing but pleasant to them beforehand, and would be disinclined to continue a relationship with them, nor would I necessarily feel they were "owed" an explanation for it. The OP has no right to expect her DIL to put herself up for a lifetime of criticism or taunting along the lines her poor husband has had to endure, just because the OP feels she is entitled to behave in this way and the poor girl has married in.

For the two specific issues the OP has raised:

one hour of television for an 18 month baby is a lot. I am amazed that you needed to be told that it was way too much. Most TV programmes aimed at that age group last 5 to 10 minutes. When you started the 4th or 5th progamme consectively did it not occur to you this was perhaps lazy, inconsiderate childcare you were providing? None of my friends (or I) would have considered letting our children watch TV for this length of time at that age, and if we had been told a grandparent had done so (other than in exceptional circumstances) this would have been met with horrified giggles of disbelief! When you look after someone else's children of this age, there are certain things you check in advance and do their way, such as can they eat sweets, drink juice, or watch TV at all (and if so which programmes and for how long). Basic good manners!

The dinner which didn't materialise. Some more info needed I think. How pregnant was DIL? How many consecutive nights had she cooked for the OP and her husband? The DIL seems to have had two pregnancies in close succession. If she was in the third trimester, had been run ragged looking after a young baby all day, and had been entertaining (and clearing up after) the OP and her husband for several consecutive days without even the offer of a takeaway or a meal out one night, maybe she was knackered and asked her OH to do it that night. I get on really well with my inlaws but remember them coming for a long weekend when I was in the second trimester with my third child and being completely exhausted by the third night of cooking and running after them. My MIL in contrast to the OP however noticed the fatigue and made allowances for it.

The DIL hasn't prevented the OP's relationship with either her son or her grandchildren, she just doesn't fancy having a relationship with the OP who talks about her behind her back. I don't like two faced people either so I sympathise with her. Advice wise, I think all OP can do is

apologise for her behaviour
be nice from now on and never repeat her !!!!!iness.
hope the DIL comes round in time
in the meantime focus on arranging contact via her son and forget the direct emails or calls to the DIL. A birthday card and Christmas card and present should be enough.

pollypenny

I've just emailed my DIL, just a chatty one, reminding her about the lovely time we had when she was here with DS four years ago. He had to work and we took her around everywhere.

We don't chat as much as we did when she worked from home, so I feel,that the odd email keeps lines of communication open.

Threads like this make me nervous. As I said, I'd break my heart if I couldn't see the little ones.