D-i-L cutting us off, no reason, how to respond?

seven-day-weekend

I lost touch with someone for thirty years. When we got in touch again I said I didn't know why we had lost touch. She told me it was something I had done thirty years ago. She had remembered it after all these years, and I can't even remember the incident at all. (We are friends again now). So it was obviously something that was really important to her, but not to me.

So I agree with the poster above who says that maybe you have done something inadvertently to upset her. Try to find out what it is, and not leave it for thirty years like my friend!

Morglin

I think grandparents do have to learn to 'stand back' a bit - everyone has a different style of parenting, and we all get bits right and bits wrong, as the perfect parent hasn't been born yet!:)

With 10 grandchildren, I spend a lot of time, bursting to give advice, or disagree with an aspect of how they are being reared, but I keep my jaws firmly clamped, and my expression strictly neutral lol :j

It's the only way!

Lin

Soleil_lune

Morglin wrote: »

I think grandparents do have to learn to 'stand back' a bit - everyone has a different style of parenting, and we all get bits right and bits wrong, as the perfect parent hasn't been born yet!:)

With 10 grandchildren, I spend a lot of time, bursting to give advice, or disagree with an aspect of how they are being reared, but I keep my jaws firmly clamped, and my expression strictly neutral lol :j

It's the only way!

Lin

10 grandchildren?! WOW, and you don't even look a day over 30!

jaylee3

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I lost touch with someone for thirty years. When we got in touch again I said I didn't know why we had lost touch. She told me it was something I had done thirty years ago. She had remembered it after all these years, and I can't even remember the incident at all. (We are friends again now). So it was obviously something that was really important to her, but not to me.

So I agree with the poster above who says that maybe you have done something inadvertently to upset her. Try to find out what it is, and not leave it for thirty years like my friend!

Wow, still stewing over something after 30 years?! Some people need to get out more! Seriously? Holding a grudge for 30 years?! It must have been something very serious. Did she say what it was?

seven-day-weekend

jaylee3 wrote: »

Wow, still stewing over something after 30 years?! Some people need to get out more! Seriously? Holding a grudge for 30 years?! It must have been something very serious. Did she say what it was?

Yes, she said what it was. It was something I did on a visit. She told me in great detail how my behaviour had upset her. I can see that from her point of view I was uncaring. However, from my point of view, I had not understood the situation clearly, as she had not informed me of all the details. She has only recently informed me of these details.

But actually, I can't even remember the visit, let alone the 'crime' I had committed!

jaylee3

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Yes, she said what it was. It was something I did on a visit. She told me in great detail how my behaviour had upset her. I can see that from her point of view I was uncaring. However, from my point of view, I had not understood the situation clearly, as she had not informed me of all the details.

But actually, I can't even remember the visit, let alone the 'crime' I had committed!

Oh dear LOL. :rotfl: That is a bit odd though: still stewing over something after 30 years! I mean, that's just sad isn't it?

seven-day-weekend

jaylee3 wrote: »

Oh dear LOL. :rotfl: That is a bit odd though: still stewing over something after 30 years! I mean, that's just sad isn't it?

It is sad. But she is very, very lonely as she is virtually bedridden, so therefore her life revolves around her. I have not seen her for thirty years, she now lives in sheltered housing in London, but we have phone conversations lasting several hours, in which she talks either about her carers, or about things that happened decades ago. I have to plan an evening around her phone call.

jaylee3

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

It is sad. But she is very, very lonely as she is virtually bedridden, so therefore her life revolves around her. I have not seen her for thirty years, she now lives in sheltered housing in London, but we have phone conversations lasting several hours, in which she talks either about her carers, or about things that happened decades ago. I have to plan an evening around her phone call.

Awww.

Maybe she is alone so much that things from the past that many people would have forgotten about, are bugging her. It certainly is unhealthy dwelling on things from the past.

sulphate

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Yes, as most people have said, it IS perfectly natural for a woman to call her son's children her grandchildren, and I don't see anyone taking anything personally, or having issues, as your post with the sly wink was implying.

In fact from what you have posted so far, and the fact you said that you would tell your MIL to 'shove it' (which you clearly meant, even though you are trying to go back on it now, saying it is 'just an expression,') I would go so far as to suggest that you are the one that seems to be 'taking things personally' on this thread, and you clearly have issues. That's fine, but don't go projecting them onto me.

I suppose you'll be saying you didn't even MEAN what you said about how weird it is, that a woman calls her son's children her grandchildren next. :rotfl:

Oh and yes it is weird and a bit sad to trawl through a posters old posts, and come up with stuff like 'busted!' I also think it's hilarious that people do this. It's like they're desperate to get one over on someone, to make themselves feel big. :cool:

Hmm, interesting.

"Telling someone where to shove it" politely IS an expression, at least I've heard it commonly used. Perhaps you haven't heard it before. It doesn't mean the person actually says "shove it!"

I merely commented that I thought the OP's phrasing was interesting in the context of the post, that's all. Please point out where I said the word "weird". Obviously it's normal, as others have pointed out several times and I've acknowledged. Yet of course you must bring it up again.

As for your opinion that I "clearly have issues", I wonder how you have ascertained that from my whopping 3 posts (now 4) on this thread so far. Seems harsh, judgemental, mean. I could go on.

It always makes me chuckle when people say things like "you need to get out more" "you have too much time on your hands" when they are referring to something being said on this forum. Honestly, you could say that about someone posting on forums full stop!

duchy

I'm obviously going to make a terrible (step) MIL as I've already committed the ultimate crime of suggesting a name for my fiance's daughter's baby . (Funny though cos they used the name )

I do think the OP just needs to accept that whether it is through personality differences or through cultural differences she has alienated her DIL by trying to have more influence on the child rearing than the DIL is happy with.

I suspect if she asked her son outright if the reason for DIL distancing herself (note the more tactful phrasing) was because she'd over-stepped the mark. She might get an honest answer.

Frankly if my MIL had formed an unholy alliance with my mother -with the two of them discussing my methods....and my mother probably saying at some point "and MIL thinks you are wrong too" I'd be livid. And that is just ONE incidence you've described where you wouldn't qualify for MIL of the year. If there's one you think worth mentioning- there are probably other smaller incidents that have added fuel to the fire.

Really it's up to you to put things right. The DIL has the upper hand -she lives 3000 miles away, has her own family , her husband and her friends. You need her approval far more than she needs yours.

You can feel she "should" allow you grandchild access and "should" welcome you - but should and would are not the same thing so it may be a case of humbling yourself and restraining your opinions in the interest of the bigger picture which is having good contact with your grandchildren.