D-i-L cutting us off, no reason, how to respond?

usignuolo

Our son has lived with his Canadian wife in New York for the last 3 years. They have two children, a 2 year old daughter and a 4 month son. When their daughter was little we visited them a couple of times, and they came over to see us and everything went very well. My d-i-l asked my advice (I have been careful never to offer any advice, unsolicited) about feeding the little girl and I reorganised the bedroom for them as she was keen on attachment parenting. Everything went well and we all got on very well.

So we were delighted when they announced last year they were expecting a second child. We went over to see them last autumn, while she was pregnant, and she was really horrible to us, out of the blue. She scarcely spoke to us and when she did she was very off hand. (I wondered if it was hormonal but she said the pregnancy was going well and our son confirmed this). Our son took time off work to be with us and really we did not do anything to upset her, but she was just generally horrid. (One night when we were invited round there to dinner, she refused to feed us and our son had to go out and buy us some soup.)

My husband asked our son if we had inadvertently said or done something to upset her and he said no everything was fine, which it clearly wasn't. Again at no stage did I offer any advice on child rearing or criticise anything they were doing. There did not seem to be a problem between them it just seemed to be us she resented being there.

When we got home, my OH said he would like to stay in touch with the progress of his grand daughter on whom he dotes, and suggested I get in touch to ask if we could skype for time to time at weekends. She emailed back to say they would be too busy. I also sent some things for the children but got no acknowledgement of this. Indeed after saying they could not skype she has never contacted me since, although our son keeps in touch.

The birth was very easy, she put a photo on facebook saying so and that their son was born in record time and indeed he is gorgeous but I have never seen him. I emailed them both to say I should like to go out for a flying visit when he was born, with my sister, (when we go there we never stay with them but stay in a hotel nearby). She did not reply but my son did and explained that all her various family members would be visiting in turn and it would be best to wait for a few months.

Since then I have sent various presents and items of clothing, not just for the babies but included a little gift for her too, and never received a word of acknowledgement or thanks. I also sent a couple of cheerful non committal emails but again she did not reply. My son is close to his father and asked him whether they have had any problems or whether we might have anything to upset her during our visit (given that the rest of the time we live in London and they live in New York.) He said nothing, we have not done anything, she is just very busy with two children. Yet she regularly posts on her facebook.

It is very hurtful to us both and we are at a loss what to do. Any suggestions?

skintchick

I think you need to push this with your son a bit more, but it's possible she feels overwhelmed by your gifts, etc.

Your son is the one to sort this out though - don;t write to your DiL any more as she may perceive it as harassment.

maggy50

It is very hurtful and I can feel your pain.
When my son married we had met his wife only once and at the time it went well or so we thought.
Before the wedding my son worked in a very well paid NHS job he was well thought of by other members of the team.
At the wedding she totally blanked me and other members of my family , we are all well balanced hard working respectful people and her behaviour was upsetting.
My son made the excuse that his wife was not a sociable person and not to take it as an insult.
10 years on !!!
Two children later none of my son's family were allowed to be involved myself included with these happy events and were only reluctantly able to meet the children when they were eighteen months and six months. Since then sporadic visits with children and my son only .
My poor daughter has been very hurt by the break down in the family unit because of this situation.
The last straw for me was last christmas we were invited to visit on boxing day and when we arrived she left the house on a pretext of visiting her friend .
I now realise after many tears and wondering why that it is not anything we should feel guilty about , my son tells us nothing !!
The most frustrating thing is that she has reduced my son to a person I do not recognised. She put pressure on him to leave his well paid job and since then he has had no steady work , locum or contract work all over the country is all that he has had.
All I hope is that he is happy and I have now decided to keep positive.

bagpussbear

Strange one.

When you reorganised the bedroom, did she actually ask for that?

When you say you were invited for dinner and then she refused to feed you, well who invited you - both of them or just your son? Also, why would it automatically fall to her to feed you, I am sure your son must be capable of cooking.

Two things really spring to mind from what you've explained. Firstly, she really doesn't like you and you have said or behaved in a manner (perhaps inadvertently) she found intolerable.

Secondly, I wonder if she has a sort of social phobia which means she doesn't handle people in her home well, or struggles with social interaction and therefore tries to avoid it. This would also seem to explain why your son seems to cover for her.

I would stop contacting her directly for the moment, and start talking to your son more. To let all her family in on seeing the new baby and making you wait months is rough, but really your son should be standing his ground and say to her look I have family too that would like to see our new son, but yet he hasn't and that strikes me as odd.

Sorry more questions there than suggestions!

savingmummy

I really feel for you


I have to say it very rude for her not to send a thank you via email, and to ignore emails - something just don`t add up!
You need to speak with your son and explain how upsetting this is for you both. If he keeps saying nothing is wrong then you need to ask why she has changed towards you now.


I have dreadful in laws, BUT I smile and treat them with respect even when they are horrid to me I grit my teeth :rotfl:
Sounds to me like you`ve not done anything wrong, so I can`t begin to imagine how confused you are about her behaviour.


I hope you get to work this out, must be very hard.

usignuolo

I honesstly don't think she can feel harrassed, I texted them when we got back to the UK last October to say we had enjoyed seeing them and suggesting the Skype, I sent some Christmas presents, a knitted cardigan for the granddaughter and a present for the new baby in February and a message about visiting at the same time and more recently summer outfits for the children and that is all in in 9 months.

Buzzybee90

bagpussbear wrote: »

Strange one.

When you reorganised the bedroom, did she actually ask for that?

When you say you were invited for dinner and then she refused to feed you, well who invited you - both of them or just your son? Also, why would it automatically fall to her to feed you, I am sure your son must be capable of cooking.

Two things really spring to mind from what you've explained. Firstly, she really doesn't like you and you have said or behaved in a manner (perhaps inadvertently) she found intolerable.

Secondly, I wonder if she has a sort of social phobia which means she doesn't handle people in her home well, or struggles with social interaction and therefore tries to avoid it. This would also seem to explain why your son seems to cover for her.

I would stop contacting her directly for the moment, and start talking to your son more. To let all her family in on seeing the new baby and making you wait months is rough, but really your son should be standing his ground and say to her look I have family too that would like to see our new son, but yet he hasn't and that strikes me as odd.

Sorry more questions there than suggestions!

Maybe she's just very close with her parents and feels like you're her husbands family and not hers.

savingmummy

bagpussbear wrote: »

Strange one.

When you reorganised the bedroom, did she actually ask for that?

Op had them staying with her so I think it was the bedroom they were staying in at her home.
Sounds like she made her comfortable and organised the room to make her life easier with the baby x

maggy50

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

Maybe she's just very close with her parents and feels like you're her husbands family and not hers.

Still no reason to be rude .

usignuolo

Yes she did specifically ask us to reorganise the spare bedroom to support them doing attachment parenting, it was her idea, when they were staying with us. I do not know why she refused to feed us, we assumed they must have had a row but we have no proof of that.

If my son invited us on behalf of both of them, we had to take it at face value. In fact we did not see much of her while we were there was she was recording a cd (she is a professional singer). She has never seemed socially nervous in the past, quite the opposite, real life and soul of the party type.

Buzzybee90

maggy50 wrote: »

Still no reason to be rude .

Oh I know, but she might feel like it's her husbands responsibility to deal with his family (thanking for gifts etc - it is really)