a fool in love

TrickyWicky

Pollycat wrote: »

Then you talk about things and try to put it right.

Jumping into bed with somebody else is not the way to resolve a lack of sex with your wife or husband.

He should be trying to enjoy time with his wife, not some random woman he met at work.

And if they can't sort it out, he should have the decency to tell his wife that he can't live with her, not start shagging somebody else behind her back.

I agree with you - this is all good in theory however some women just shut down once they have kids and no amount of talking to them seems to reactivate them. Some just turn biatch and seem to think that their life is over and it's all his fault for tying them down with kids etc.

If it gets like that and she's shut down no amount of talking or romance will get her to open up. My own mother was a psycho like this and one of my mates recently split with his wife of many years who he'd had 3 kids with. Only when they split did he confess that she'd been evil to him for years and refused sex - despite him trying to keep the relationship alive.

At the end of the day if someone isn't happy with their current relationship or certain aspects of it then they are likely to stray. The op isn't the only one at fault here, the married man is just as guilty.

consultant31

Heffi1 wrote: »

It takes all sorts to make the world go round and the traditional, man meets woman they live happily ever after is sadly a bit dated nowadays for 'some people'

TrickyWicky wrote: »

At the end of the day if someone isn't happy with their current relationship or certain aspects of it then they are likely to stray. The op isn't the only one at fault here, the married man is just as guilty.

Move on.....don't cheat, just leave and find someone else. Why can't people to do the right thing for goodness sake? It is NEVER acceptable to cheat on your partner, never, ever.

If life is not want you want it to be, tell your partner, give them a chance to make it right (if possible) and then be honest with them, leave them and THEN get someone else.

Pollycat

TrickyWicky wrote: »

I agree with you - this is all good in theory however some women just shut down once they have kids and no amount of talking to them seems to reactivate them. Some just turn biatch and seem to think that their life is over and it's all his fault for tying them down with kids etc.

If it gets like that and she's shut down no amount of talking or romance will get her to open up. My own mother was a psycho like this and one of my mates recently split with his wife of many years who he'd had 3 kids with. Only when they split did he confess that she'd been evil to him for years and refused sex - despite him trying to keep the relationship alive.

At the end of the day if someone isn't happy with their current relationship or certain aspects of it then they are likely to stray. The op isn't the only one at fault here, the married man is just as guilty.

I'm not saying that all marriages are perfect.

What I am saying - and did say in my earlier reply - is if someone (male or female) is not happy in their marriage and talking has not resolved the issue, then they should do the decent thing and discuss divorce.

They should not 'stray' and shag some random person behind their partner's back.

I've not said that the OP is the only one at fault.
Of course she isn't.
I wouldn't even say the married man is 'just as guilty'. I'd say he was more guilty as he has commitments to his wife and children (I'm assuming the OP is single).

But even if she didn't make the first move, she didn't reject his advances, and she did allow this affair to happen and carry on for a year.

It's not about apportioning blame, it's about doing the right thing.
The OP apparently knows what the right thing to do is - let's just hope she actually means to do it.

duchy

I often wonder how the silly girl my (now ex) husband worked with feels now. He got drunk at a work conference and slept with her (she apparently was sober) and when I kicked him to the curb she offered him a room in the shared house she lived in (and a spot in her bed).
She then got rid of everyone else living in the house and didn't replace them- He had no intention of settling down with her -and every time she suggested buying a house together "as an investment" he put her off. Eventually he started a very passionate and public relationship with someone else in their office and she was completely humiliated and publically dumped. (She got her own back by getting her pal in HR to ensure the new girl who was both younger and prettier got targeted in the next round of redundancies.)


She's now married to someone else with two children - and I do wonder if she still thinks affairs are "just one of those things" and "it just happened it wasn't my fault" would still be applicable if her husband has an affair.


Often how people feel about affairs depends on where they stand in the sordid triangle.


I've never understood personally why anyone would want to be with a man who is so happy to cheat- after all if he's done it to her, he'll do it to you. Leopards don't change their spots . One thing my ex said to much later on was that when he cheated on me - he felt dreadful but cheating on her came easier- just because he'd done it before and it was no longer such a huge taboo anymore. Food for thought !

Seanymph

I had a friend who had an affair with a married man.

His wife found out and she offered him a place to move to.

And got vile emails from his nearly adult daughters, and never met his family because they took the wifes side who still went to family events - and he spent weekends away with the kids and his family and she couldn't go so kicked about 'their house'.

And in one drunken evening spent the evening sobbing at me saying she didn't trust him because he'd already betrayed his wife after 20 years of marriage so she knew he would sleep with other people whilst with her (no !!!! sherlock)...

She got him, if that's what you want - but she didn't get all of him. She didn't have weekend bar b q's and invitations to weddings, and even after years when his daughters agreed to meet her they were never more than polite and distant. They phoned him at work to avoid talking to her.

Now she was a good friend - and I've have loved to have seen her having her own kids (he was old, and had had a vasectomy) - with family gatherings and acceptance and love

But she never got it - eventually our friendship couldn't survive it, I tried, but she brought it on herself and my sympathy was limited. I think they cultivated people who didn't know their history and kept it a sordid secret that they spent a year having 'fun'.

I also know he regretted it, but had lost his options and was with her because his guilt gave the wife the marital home free and clear -and paid all his girls university fees, and bought his eldest a house to live in........

so he had no money to be anywhere else really - and they both tried to pretend it was some pre-ordained love match they couldn't help. But actually they were busy convincing each other.

I have no idea if they are still together - but they weren't happy when they were, that I do know.

Surely you deserve a man of your own? Rather than the leavings of another woman who has lived the dream, has the family gatherings, had the wedding and the babies and the holidays and freedom and unencumbered love.

I get everyone saying he's the one with the vows - and I absolutely - if his focus was on his marriage perhaps it wouldn't be as sick - and part of that lifetime thing is going through peaks and troughs of sexual activity surely? So that isn't an excuse for dalliance.

But the OP KNEW he was married, and had so little self respect that he was enough for her even though he obviously was unfaithful, a liar, and could never build any sort of meaningful future. That's sad.

She also still refuses to take on responsibility - piffling about the inevitabillity of their great love match how they were 'swept off' by events. What rubbish. I listened to my friend make empty excuses like that - and until they had got over their 'fun' and were sat in her house staring at each other and dealing with the pain they caused it held some water. But eventually they both had to assume responsibility for being so short sighed, and selfish, and hurtful to others they had promised to love and honour.

Good luck with getting away from the slease.

And I hope you find someone available who can love you - of course, once you admit your history to available men with morals you will now become considerably less attractive.

victory

4given wrote: »

Who said I want a pat on the back, if u read my posts I have admitted I was wrong.I only wanted to talk,I know it's a public forum so I have every right to post as well.Anyway thanks I shall ignore your posts as it seems i'm not understanding u.Take care

You are very prickly with your answers because when you opened the thread here you must have known that no one would praise you or encourage you or agree with you, in your heart of hearts you know this is not going to be mills and boon, he is not a white knight and this is will bring heartache and guilt, regret and loss

System

4given wrote: »

Hi everyone, pls help i started an with a married man.We were work colleagues (not anymore) when the affair started (i know its wrong)but he seemed like a breath of fresh air.We have been seeing each other for over a year.I'm not expecting the relationship to develop into anything it was basically just having fun and also he has children so i would never want him to leave.I don't know anything about his wife i have never asked and i don't really want to know.I have started to feel so guilty and have tried to end it but without success.I honestly am sorry to the wife and want to end it but it seems i'm a weak.I know people will judge me and i deserve it, i just want to have a clean slate:(

Did you really think you'd get sympathy on a public forum when the majority of posters are women?

duchy

Every couple I know who have got together whilst the man was still with his wife -have eventually split -because he's gone on to have another affair.

duchy

4given wrote: »

No need to bite my head off(already done that myself)I just wanted to talk to someone, u don't have to answer.To everyone else thank u for your kind replies.I am learning and seeing the error of my ways.I hope one day I will be able to forgive myself

I'm a bit confused.
If you expected nothing except a shag -why has it lasted so long ? Did you secretly hope for more ? Have you honestly met no interesting men in a whole year ....or have you sat at home waiting for him to call or to sneak out instead of getting on with your life ?
Ring your friends- make lots of plans and keep busy .
The first week or two will be hard but after that you'll wonder why you wasted so much time on him.

Morglin

lostinrates wrote: »

Historically as a society we observe that these vows benefitted from so cities strength in the belief of their value I think. I would imagine that's why the Christian service has the bit about 'let no one put asunder' in it.

Now , we're not all Christian, but the same applies to those of us who aren't I think, that in a society where we observe something like marriage and partnership and as a whole believe it to be something that has value ( whether for us personally or not, we accept it exists in our society and do not protest against us, to me the ' well I made no vows' bit is a cop out. Its like....well, I didn't agree to pay taxes, or trying to say that you had no moral obligation to step in to help someone in need or who is the victim of crime.

In a purely factual an unemotional context, if marriage is a contract and its being broken in deception ( or the partner is remaining in that contract in a fraudulent manner) then the lover is arguably an accomplice to that fraud. ( morally only of course, I am making no legal supposition.)

Well, I am not a Christian, so the religious aspect is irrelevant yo me, but I took my marriage vows seriously, and would not cheat on my husband, simply because I love him and if you love someone (in my view) you are faithful to them. End of.

(Unlike the next Monarch and Defender of the Faith that will be crowned, and who the good Christians of this country will no doubt accept) ....:whistle:

But, marriages are complicated things, and I think it's a little simplistic to automatically assume that the 'wronged' partner, in all this, is entirely blameless.

Who knows what another relationship may be like?

She may be wholly innocent and undeserving of strife, but I don't know her, and nor does anyone else on here!

I was married, the first time, for over 30 years, and trust me, people can hurt each other in ways that don't involve being unfaithful!:eek:

The only two people who are responsible for being faithful are the two involved, as marriages and them being happy, are not anyone else's responsibility.

It's not about fraud - bring unfaithful doesn't make a marriage illegal, as many people are always unfaithful!

I am not judging anyone, as life is never black and white, and we all have to set our own boundaries, but I stand by my views that the OP has no responsibility for the wife.

Whether she chooses to continue the relationship is her choice to make.

Lin