How to "get rid" of a "friend".

SailorSam

I've just got rid of a friend. We've been mates for over 40yrs when we first started work together. I suppose he's always been a pain, he suffers from bipolar although he didn't know 40yrs ago.
Some weeks he'll phone up to 10 times a day, although it's normally only about 2/3 times a day, and always to say nothing. He complains about how ill he is; how poor he is; what a terrible world we're living in with everyone out to get him.
Ok it must be horrible to have the bipolar but i've read about other people that do something about it, hard as it is he should be joining clubs with others that understand. Or his debt problems could be soeasily sorted, he's on the highest benefits but wont learn to budget.
I'm not sure if it's just i'm getting older and less patient that it seems to have gotten worse, i think since i've started to have problems of my own and stopped working i feel i needed him to listen to me but he could see nothing beyond talking about himself.
I dreaded answering the phone and often didn't. Even at home i'd hide if a knock came to the door. Eventually after all these years i had to be rude and tell him never contact me again. And that's not me, i like to be nice to people but it had got to the point i never thought of him as a friend, just a nuisance.

Indie_Kid

I used to be friends with someone like this. It turned into "my behaviour's normal. You're just a !!!! friend". He then blamed me for his behaviour and claimed he couldn't help it and that he's obsessed with me, which I should understand because I'm obsessed with someone else too. (that situation was completely different)

He wouldn't take for an answer when I said I couldn't meet up with him one Saturday. I ended up lying and said I wasn't feeling well. It was the only way I could get out of meeting him. Whereas with other people, they take "sorry, I won't be there" (sometimes giving a reason) no as no and leave it at that.

Thankfully, he doesn't know where I live or have my phone number. He kept trying to re-add me as a Facebook friend. He'd keep making new profiles when I blocked him.

He finally gave up 5 months later.

It got the stage where the police got involved and they were useless. Apparently, he can't help it because he has Autism.

OrkneyStar

I have not had exactly the same thing but I do really value my time away from disruption/folk, and don't really do small talk, especially about things that don't interest me! I'd say:
1. Either don't answer the phone or be brief, saying 'oh hi, thanks for calling, but right now I really have other things to do'. Add 'can we catch up later/at x time?' if you want to, not if you don't!
2. Answer the door but only half open it and say 'oh hi, listen this isn't a great time, I'm just about to .....- insert what you are actually about to do- eat, shower, write a letter, catch up on my finances/paperwork, do some housework, cook, and so on, are ALL VALID!
That way she should get the message, even if you are not too busy to see her, what you do with your time is really up to you (and your family, spouse etc).
Best of luck!

meritaten

I don't think Autism automatically means they get obsessed in this way. its more 'stalker' to me. and I get the feeling that the OP is getting 'creeped' out'. with good reason. I have seen it before in real life and on here. a 'friend' takes over your life, constantly phoning, texting and 'in your life'. you cant shake them off - they are oblivious to you wanting time on your own or with family. they shamelessly emotionally blackmail you. they are impervious to 'walls' you put up. and they can be dangerous, its best to cut them off asap.

Brenny

Apparently, he can't help it because he has Autism.

My first thought when reading this thread was that this lady is autistic.

If this is the case then you need to tell her that she is overstepping what is acceptable behaviour and that you can only see her at xxxx o'clock on xxxdays.

With clear boundaries set hopefully she will understand what is and isn't acceptable. And then you will need to stick to your guns when she tries to see you at other times.

choille

It's tricky, but I'd try the, I'm so busy as I realise you must be too, but all this chat has made me realise that I must now broaden my horizons so I've decided to study for a degree in the sociology of mountain goats/ muntjack nacker whaker newts - what ever, and now I'll be so busy studying this fascinating subject that I'm sure you'll appreciate that I won't be available.

If she then ignores that you just tell her to !!!! off..................

pearl123

I suggest you reduced your support of her. I would not pull the plug on her completely. Maybe, just slowing kill I off if you feel it is just too much.
The study route by choille is a good idea. Tell her you are doing an open university course and just don't have as much time as you used to.

PlutoinCapricorn

OrkneyStar wrote: »

I have not had exactly the same thing but I do really value my time away from disruption/folk, and don't really do small talk, especially about things that don't interest me! I'd say:
1. Either don't answer the phone or be brief, saying 'oh hi, thanks for calling, but right now I really have other things to do'. Add 'can we catch up later/at x time?' if you want to, not if you don't!
2. Answer the door but only half open it and say 'oh hi, listen this isn't a great time, I'm just about to .....- insert what you are actually about to do- eat, shower, write a letter, catch up on my finances/paperwork, do some housework, cook, and so on, are ALL VALID!
That way she should get the message, even if you are not too busy to see her, what you do with your time is really up to you (and your family, spouse etc).
Best of luck!

I prefer this approach to the imaginary OU degree one!

The posts on this thread confirm that this is not an unusual problem: many people have encountered it. The best people to help are those who have dealt with it successfully.

Errata

All it takes is assertiveness with good communication skills and refusing to being treated like a doormat

oldtractor

Interestingly and sadly after yesterdays putting down of phone on her coz vet was about to ring me she didnt ring or call round. Leads me to think that she is used to people doing that sort of thing to her. How awful. I suppose she thought it was a made up excuse.
I have discovered 2 others who she "badgers", I dont know them well enough to ask for advice from them but I do know one was horrified to learn that she calls /sees me daily as this person has a problem keeping her at bay on a weekly basis.
Apparently this lady [ Janet] has a horse and my "friend" [ G-----]pesters her to go to events with her as she wont go on her own, In fact i cant understand why G bothers with horses, shes pretty much afraid of them and constantly moans to me about it all, she underfeeds her 2 horses to the point where their ribs are visible and the poor things are desparately short of food and energy. Reporting to RSPCA has been mentioned I even told her that the poor things need more food. Didnt stop her she still rings.