How to "get rid" of a "friend".

Hermia

PlutoinCapricorn wrote: »

One thing missing from the information available is examples of such people who have seen the light and improved their behaviour. I suspect that such cases are rare. All that happens is that they exhaust the patience of one victim after another.

That is the sad thing. I was actually thinking the other night that it is a shame that we are not all more honest with each other. It seems to me that there are a lot of people in the world who are disliked because of one personality trait and maybe they really don't realise why. Then I realised that I don't know anyone who has tried to change their behaviour or even accepted that the problem is with them.

The thing that fascinates me about people like the lady the OP mentions is they clearly never stop to think about whether they are liked. You must have amazingly thick skin to keep contacting someone and never think I wonder if this person wants to speak to me this much.

meritaten

oldtractor - this woman has 'latched' onto you - she isn't going to give you up easily. But, this relationship isn't healthy.
you have to be firm, when she rings up let her talk for five minutes then say 'I am sorry, but I HAVE to go now. I am really busy'. Then put the phone down.
if she turns up on your doorstep its 'Sorry, but I have an appointment later and I need to 'have my lunch/a shower/get changed'.
if she calls round or phones when OH is there, then his stock response is 'Sorry, she is busy right now - I will ask her to call you later'.
I wouldn't suggest just telling her to go away...........I suspect she could turn nasty. so be careful.

Dozey_crow

Ohdear what a horrible situation. I understand why you feel guilty about cutting the 'friendship' off.. And I imagine that's because you are a nice person (you come across as a nice person). However have a think for a moment.. How much does this person know about you? Do they ever think about you? Do you feel you get anything out of this relationship at all? I imagine you don't... Sorry but it is not a 'friendship', it seems you are being used. Without putting too finer point on it you could be anyone absolutely anyone.. It didn't matter to her.

As others have suggested be blunt even if it does feel rude. I have in the past talked to pushy people by just saying no no no No and it works in the end. As sometime else had said I doubt she will let you go that easily so you have to be strong.

Don't answer calls and don't answer the door. She will get the message and find another victim.

Someone asked whether out not people like this know what they are doing. I don't think they do. Either they are drawn into the idea that life has to be dramatic all of the time or they are that miserable. Having said that I also don't think they care what others think either they are egocentric.

building_with_lego

In addition to the advice given above, have yourself a kitchen timer near the phone. Set it, and when it rings say, "oh gosh, the dinner's done, got-to-go-now-bye" and hang up. Practice saying it. Be ready to say it.

The first time will be the hardest, but you have your reason. (The dinner's done ) Once you've hung up on her once it'll be easier to continue to do so.

The good thing about the timer is that you can set it for a reasonable amount of time, or you can make it ring when you wish to end the conversation plus it isn't 'you' ending the call, it's because of the timer.

Poppops

I am going for a day out with my friends on Sunday and one of my friends felt she couldn't say no when her SIL asked if she could join us. We all know each other very well.

The thing is that the SIL is so draining that, despite being a grown woman, she literally makes me want to cry if i spend any time on my own with her. The frustration just builds and builds. All she talks about is herself and how fabulous her life, kids, DH, house, bank balance, holidays etc etc (yawn yawn yawn) are compared to the rest of ours.

I feel for you so much, firstly because I don't have to see SIL every day, and secondly because our group would rather put up with her behaviour than tell her. It is such a difficult situation.

I wonder why we would often rather have our own quality of life eroded than upset someone else's? I put up with things like this all the time. My sister on the other hand has no problem in cutting people out of her life and she seems happy enough and manages to get away with it

I do think though that in your situation, as it is so extreme, if I really couldn't face telling her the truth, I would find a reason to blame DH . With his permission of course!

wannabe_credit_free

I have a aquaintance like this. I told her that DH was complaining about the phone being tied up all the time and the constant pings of email messages were driving him nuts, therefore it had to reduce to now and again. This tactic worked and she does'nt email or call anymore. Although we still say, hello, how are you, if we meet in the street. I'm glad I sorted it without having to be downright cruel.

Syrah

I hear you. 3 years ago I lost a baby, a friend I had at the time (who knew) rang me 3 days later to tell me she was pregnant, a week later she rang me to tell me she's lost it. I was sympathetic because I was obviously going through the same. Another week on this friend rang me to tell me that actually she'd aborted it and was struggling with her guilt. I found it really hard to deal with as I was grieving for the loss of my child, but this friend rang me daily for me to support her. She never once asked me how I was.
I phased her out- shamefully- but I simply couldn't be the support she wanted when all I could think about was my grief. She didn't really get the hint and still rings me a lot now. She's gone on to have another baby, and constantly tells me that this child is the most amazing thing to have ever happen to her... Unfortunately as a result of losing my baby, I an unable to have more children so this is even more painful for me. Some people are so blinkered by their own issues that they don't see how they affect others. What I should have done, was say I'm really sorry, I'm hurting from my own loss- I can't be the person you need me to be right now. But I wasn't in a place at the time where I was strong enough to be so blunt, so I let her eat away at md and it destroyed me.
If you can, be strong and tell her xxx

oldtractor

Some lovely interesting and workable replies here, Thank you all.
Small update, she rang this morning and I said "Cant talk am waiting for the vet to call me back" [this was true-nothing serious I just wanted to pay a bill for routine dog vacc]she carried on yakking!!!! so I just put the phone down.
She ,may call at house this afternoon. I'll be ready and keep her out.
Goodness, this is so awful.

oldtractor

Syrah ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) I am so sorry for your loss and incredibly insensitive "friend". I cant think of anything worse than what she did to you. You must truly be a great person ,take care and time to look after yourself.
OT xxx

Syrah

oldtractor wrote: »

Syrah ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) I am so sorry for your loss and incredibly insensitive "friend". I cant think of anything worse than what she did to you. You must truly be a great person ,take care and time to look after yourself.
OT xxx

Ah thanks Hun. I'm doing ok now, thankfully I'd already been blessed with 3 beautiful children who make my world. But I can never be her "friend" again. Xxx