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How to "get rid" of a "friend".

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  • oldtractor
    oldtractor Posts: 2,262 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Mortgage-free Glee!
    Februarycat you have my sympathy. Sounds exactly the same.
  • jaylee3
    jaylee3 Posts: 2,127 Forumite
    1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    ViolaLass wrote: »
    Why did you not eat when she was there?

    I read that as 'why did you not eat her when she was there?' :eek: :rotfl:

    #shouldhavegonetospecsavers

    OP, I can't add much to what has already been said, and I can only echo what the other posters have said. You are going to have to be blunt and just shut her out of your life, unless you seriously want her to stay in it!

    With respect, she and her problems/loneliness/lack of friends/life issues etc etc are not your problem. I am sure you have your own issues. I don't know if you work or not, sorry if you have said already, but if you do, the last thing you need is hassle from annoying toxic people. When you work, you need downtime and 'me-time' and don't need your sanctuary (your home,) invaded by a toxic energy demon.

    The good people of this forum are right: this is not a friend, this is someone who doesn't care about you at all, because she is too obsessed with herself and all her 'problems.' If something bad happened in your life, and you needed help and support and someone to talk to etc etc, I bet she wouldn't come anywhere near. Because she is a 'taker,' not a giver.

    As for spending an hour at a time on the phone: as some people have said, I would just get caller I.D. and don't answer. Change your number if you can! Do you *have* to answer the door? Can you not pretend you are not in? I do all of the above when I can't be bothered to communicate with people.

    Good luck. I do think though, that you need to either write her a letter as people have suggested saying you have nothing in common and as you have a very busy life, you feel regrettably that it's best to not pursue the friendship. OR just avoid her til she gets the hint!

    Tough one. I don't envy you. Other than leaving the village yourself, there is little you can do except what I (and many others) have suggested.

    And something DOES need to be done if it's starting to affect your relationship with you and your husband.
    (•_•)
    )o o)╯
    /___\
  • Brighton_belle
    Brighton_belle Posts: 5,223 Forumite
    oldtractor wrote: »
    I think you are right. I've tried doing the 10 min thing on the phone and have even put the receiver down but felt awful afterwards. I need to do it more often and not feel bad.

    Guess I'll have to grow a thicker skin myself and start being more pro -active.
    Yes, especially if it is so bad you would move away if you could. It won't be easy - it took me a few years to change, but in the end, constant people pleasing and never saying no to anyone left me ill and I was no good to anyone, least of all myself. If she is that thick skinned she probably won't even notice much if you do it kindly. Try not to confuse being assertive and proactive with 'nasty' behaviour. You can be a nice person and assertive all at the same time. My experience is people appreciate clear boundaries.
    I would send her a note explaining that you no longer wish to develop a friendship, as you feel you have no common interests and that u simply dont have time for any new people in your life. Wish her well and ask her not to have call at the house or ph you.
    Maybe even blame your OH?

    Its s not very nice for the lady, I feel for her as iI have had such rejections before myself.
    I wouldn't do this - a note would be horrible to receive, much better for the OP to work on her own behaviour and set boundaries.
    oldtractor wrote: »
    aggypanthusthis is the problem, I dont think shutting her out completely is good as it will be very hurtful to her and she seems to be lonely, i just wish she's be more normal. i need to try to "put her back in her box" so to speak. I dont want to be nasty and unfeeling but its looking like i am going to have to be .
    Absolutely agree with you here oldtractor. But try not to see setting boundaries as being nasty and unfeeling. Perhaps you will be setting an example she can learn from, perhaps what you do will help her privately reassess her life , who knows. Seeing it as 'being nasty and unfeeling' is leaned behaviour by yourself. And did you notice, that putting the phone down on her after 10 mins didn't affect her at all did it - she still came back for more of you, so she clearly didn't feel it was nasty?
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
  • PlutoinCapricorn
    PlutoinCapricorn Posts: 4,598 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    oldtractor wrote: »
    Februarycat you have my sympathy. Sounds exactly the same.

    That is the essence of it: these people are types who all do and say the same things.

    I wonder why her children don't answer the phone when she rings them? I wonder why other people in your village avoid her? You could well be her last resort.
    Who having known the diamond will concern himself with glass?

    Rudyard Kipling


  • jaylee3
    jaylee3 Posts: 2,127 Forumite
    1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    That is the essence of it: these people are types who all do and say the same things.

    I wonder why her children don't answer the phone when she rings them? I wonder why other people in your village avoid her? You could well be her last resort.

    That is disturbing.
    (•_•)
    )o o)╯
    /___\
  • ViolaLass
    ViolaLass Posts: 5,764 Forumite
    oldtractor wrote: »
    because it would have ment offering her a sandwich of something

    Doesn't have to. "Sorry, I've only got enough for one" or similar.

    Whatever you do, you will have to SAY something. She's not going to pick it up by mind-reading.
  • PlymouthMaid
    PlymouthMaid Posts: 1,550 Forumite
    Seventh Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Difficult without offending as she has bulldozered her way past all the usual more subtle hints to go home/get off the phone/get a life etc. Could you maybe start going to something in the daytime (exercise class/lunch etc), take her too and then after a time move her onto other friends. Or you could be very blunt and tell her that you are wasting to much time chatting with friends (so she doesn't think it is just her) and if you are kind allocate her a 'window' each week or tell her you are becoming a total hermit. Or be even blunter and offend her so much that she won't talk to you again.
    "'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
    Try to make ends meet
    You're a slave to money then you die"
  • aggypanthus
    aggypanthus Posts: 1,579 Forumite
    1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    OK maybe not a note.

    Poor woman, she clearly cant change herself, or see herself as the problem, to enable her to change.
  • Errata
    Errata Posts: 38,230 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    it transpires even her own grown up family [ who live a long wway away] dont answer the phone to her. People in the village avoid her.
    And now you know why. When she knocks and phones all you have to say is 'I can't talk now' and shut the door, put the phone down.
    .................:)....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
  • PlutoinCapricorn
    PlutoinCapricorn Posts: 4,598 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    OK maybe not a note.

    Poor woman, she clearly cant change herself, or see herself as the problem, to enable her to change.

    One thing missing from the information available is examples of such people who have seen the light and improved their behaviour. I suspect that such cases are rare. All that happens is that they exhaust the patience of one victim after another.
    Who having known the diamond will concern himself with glass?

    Rudyard Kipling


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