Not having kids

Tiglath

I'm 47 and never wanted them - I couldn't think of anything more horrendous to do with my life. To have to go through pregnancy AND childbirth, AND still have to deal with a kid for years afterwards - not for me. It would've felt like I was being punished for something.

belfastgirl23

PlymouthMaid wrote: »

The only thing I would be a bit worried about (but couldn't do a thing about anyway) is that the boyfriend/partner may well up and leave for a younger woman and have children in the future. Men have a much longer time frame to make their minds up in but there is nothing you can do about it.

Of course there are also many men who think they want children and then when the reality of it bites them, they leave. In which case you'd have a child you didn't really want and no husband.

Just putting the opposite POV, I know your scenario is also a possibility!

tealady

Hi
I am another who never wanted kids, and have never regretted it for a moment.
As for the rubbish people spout about a lonely old age, well I intend to keep up with current friends and use the time to make even more.

janed9388

OP sounds so like me around 4 years ago, I'm now 43. I thought constantly about whether we should or shouldn't from around 35 to 40 - OH was Ok either way, but I couldn't really say that I felt any "ticking" just a worry that I'd regret it later if I didn't.
Not particularly romantic but I (we) finally decided that we would just go for it and see what happened thinking that at 40 I was probably too old and it would never happen, 2 months later - pregnant and many tears and worries as to whether I had done the right thing or not. DD is now 19 months and the best thing ever - I so wish I'd done it earlier. Yes it's hard work sometimes but I'm so so happy she's here & wouldn't have it any other way.


It might not help OP but I'm not actually sure I would have regretted it had we not gone down this route as I could never miss what I didn't have but I know that I'm happier now that I would have been had we not.

Person_one

The thing is, if you regret not having children the only person who suffers is you. If you have them even though you're not sure and then end up regretting having them, well that's a huge risk to take with somebody else's life

I'm a huge believer that people shouldn't just have children because its the 'done thing', you should have them if you really really want them and can't imagine your life without them.

FBaby

Except that the best parents are not always the ones who wanted their kids most. A friend of mine was totally against children. She was a free spirit, wanted to expand her skills in art, travel the world and she just wasn't maternal. I would tell things about my kids and I could tell from her face the relief it wasn't her. I thought it was a good thing she didn't want kids because I could picture her being a mother one bit. Then one day, out of blue, fresh into a relationship, she announced that she wanted a child and 3 months later she was pregnant. She had the worse pregnancy I have ever heard and yet, the second her baby was born, she was totally in love with her child. The child is now 7 and my friend has just turned into a complete other person. She is such a caring mum. She couldn't care less about everything else, she just can't wait to come her to her girl after work. She has repeated so many times that listening to her heart then was the best decision she has ever made.

Unfortunately, the opposite happens too

Emuchops

Never wanted them, never regretted it. Almost 47 now and I'm so glad I never had kids.

TTC40

Coconut wrote: »

Many thanks to all for your replies. Apart from my confusion the other thing I'm finding difficult to handle is the guilt I feel for my partner.. I love him and I know he would love to have kids. He has a niece & a nephew who he adores and they adore him, but they live far and we don't see them much (I can't really spend much time with them..).


I know it's his decision to stay with me , he could walk away and find someone else, but still..


Also feel extremely guilty with my parents, who would love grandchildren, but I understand I'm the one who has to raise a kid, and I can't have a kid just to make them or my partner happy.


Still... the guilt kills me sometimes

I always liked kids but was sure I didn't want my own. I got to 40 & wondered if I would regret the decision. We decided to try & after some assistance re fertility issues was pregnant 18 months later. Once we had decided to 'try' I realised I wasn't quite so 'whatever' about it. I wanted a baby.

janed9388 wrote: »

OP sounds so like me around 4 years ago, I'm now 43. I thought constantly about whether we should or shouldn't from around 35 to 40 - OH was Ok either way, but I couldn't really say that I felt any "ticking" just a worry that I'd regret it later if I didn't.
Not particularly romantic but I (we) finally decided that we would just go for it and see what happened thinking that at 40 I was probably too old and it would never happen, 2 months later - pregnant and many tears and worries as to whether I had done the right thing or not. DD is now 19 months and the best thing ever - I so wish I'd done it earlier. Yes it's hard work sometimes but I'm so so happy she's here & wouldn't have it any other way.


It might not help OP but I'm not actually sure I would have regretted it had we not gone down this route as I could never miss what I didn't have but I know that I'm happier now that I would have been had we not.

My DD is now 7 months. Life has never been better (despite being shattered) & the love we have for her cannot be put into words. In some ways I regret not doing it sooner (as would probably have had another one), but if I had then I would not be the person I am at 43 & therefore may not be so content with life.

You will find people on both side of the fence - but you are more likely in life to regret things you didn't do than things you did!

Snakey

42 and never wanted kids.

The first time I met someone who did want them I was only 17. Had I gone ahead with his wishes, that child would have left home long ago and God only knows what my life would look like right now. Not once during that entire period of time between then and now have I regretted that I didn't have an x-year-old to look after/worry about/pay for. So I am pretty confident that I made the right decision.

Think about how much of this is peer pressure. You never read articles exploring the peculiarities of "Why women are choosing to have children", followed by streams of vicious reader comments about selfishness. When someone says they do want kids, nobody raises their eyebrows and expects them to justify that decision - it's just accepted as the way things should be. It's this sort of low-level background noise throughout your life that makes you wonder whether you're doing something "wrong" by feeling the way you do.

One thing you should consider is that your partner might be hoping you'll change your mind and when you get to the point in your life where this is no longer possible he could leave you for someone who does want kids. But personally I still wouldn't do it.

If I found myself pregnant I probably would keep it, but that's for different reasons (I support every woman's right to choose, but personally I think I would have to keep it - although who knows how I'd feel if it really happened?), but I make as sure as I can that this won't happen. I am sure that if I did have one I'd get used to it and find the good bits to make up for the rest of it, hormones do that to you, and I have no reason to think I'd be a bad parent, but... I don't think that's enough.

If you're worried about your old age, take the amount of money a child would cost each week less the amount of state help you'd get for having one, and stick it in your pension.

Mrs_pbradley936

Many people that have had children say that if they wish they never had. I am one of them. I do not think that they repay the emotional investment that you make. I love them they are both grown up and gone now but I would not choose to do it all over again and it is nothing to do with money. We still had a nice house, holidays, new cars etc with the boys.


Being honest, when I was young being "barren" was something to be pitied. Nobody ever thought children were a choice.


In the end it is your decision of course but once they have arrived life is not your own for at least 20 years.