Not having kids

egoode

I've recently become friends with someone who's a life coach that basically works with women to help them decide if they do or don't want children. Some ultimately decide to have kids but some also decide they are really happy to never have kids. She's also interviewed people in their 50's and 60's who decided not to have kids for a book and found that they don't regret later in life their decision. So it is a big decision but I think if you choose what is right for you it can never be the wrong choice.

pmlindyloo

I do think you are a bit confused about everything.

Reading some of your other threads (particularly this one https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4405721 where you had been trying for a baby)

I am wondering if your relationship with your partner might be the problem.

Forgive me if I'm wrong but if your relationship is not very secure then probably making a decision not to have children (at the moment at least) might be the right one.

It would be daft to try for a baby to patch up a relationship - doomed to fail.

As I said please forgive me if this is 'old news' and your relationship is really good and strong.

Just reading your former posts it seems that you haven't always been against having children so wondered if there was more to it than you seem to be saying.

BugglyB

RE: regret

Perhaps its natural to regret things we have or haven't done.

Whatever you decide you need to accept that you won't be free of regret either way, be mindful of it, allow yourself to feel it, don't be scared of it.

As Pollycat says

I think that if you have children you miss out on some things and if you don't have children you miss out on different things.

dandelionclock30

Coconut wrote: »

Many thanks to all for your replies. Apart from my confusion the other thing I'm finding difficult to handle is the guilt I feel for my partner.. I love him and I know he would love to have kids. He has a niece & a nephew who he adores and they adore him, but they live far and we don't see them much (I can't really spend much time with them..).


I know it's his decision to stay with me , he could walk away and find someone else, but still..


Also feel extremely guilty with my parents, who would love grandchildren, but I understand I'm the one who has to raise a kid, and I can't have a kid just to make them or my partner happy.


Still... the guilt kills me sometimes

Dont feel guilty, 40 is pushing it anyway for having children as their are increased risks for having a child with down sydrome etc. Also a womans fertility is dropping off for a reason.
Just concentrate on what you have got. If you'd have really wanted children you would have had them when you were younger.

Make-it-3

You will never know what its like to have kids if you don't have them, but its not something you can try and see if you like.

I was 40 when I had my daughter, I wasn't maternal but like you OP my OH wanted children and although he didn't pressure me I know he would ultimately have been very sad and regretful to miss out.

It took me a while to get pregnant and then once I was a long time to come to terms with it and I worried constantly I wouldn't love the child. But the day she was born I was overwhelmed with love and she is the light of my life.

Yes, she has changed my life completely, it is the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the most rewarding. She has made me see life with a different perspective. I'm still not brilliant with other people's children and am happy with just one. But I do sometimes wonder whether I would have been this contented with life if I was still childless.

As others have said, don't have a child in the hope they will keep you from loneliness or look after you when you are old. Having a child is all about giving not receiving.

KateBob

shiney85 wrote: »

Whilst we're on the subject, why can't people accept it when you say you don't want children?! I'm still relatively young, but living with my OH (who feels exactly the same as me, phew), and we're certain. We will not be having kids. Family are fine with it, luckily, his Mum has three other kids, and my Mum feels the same as me about kids NOW she is older, luckily she was/is a wonderful mother, she just lacks the patience now! Friends, colleagues and people in general though, the grief I get!

I used to work with a woman who openly stated she didn't want kids, good lord you'd think she'd declared that she liked gassing puppies.
The comments directed at her were at best naive but often just plain abusive, made me cringe.

I should say I have kids but as a youngster didn't want them, I was one of those who changed their minds.
I certainly wouldn't have had them if you aren't absolutely sure however, they can try the patience of a saint.

Coconut_2

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I do think you are a bit confused about everything.

Reading some of your other threads (particularly this one https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4405721 where you had been trying for a baby)

I am wondering if your relationship with your partner might be the problem.

Forgive me if I'm wrong but if your relationship is not very secure then probably making a decision not to have children (at the moment at least) might be the right one.

It would be daft to try for a baby to patch up a relationship - doomed to fail.

As I said please forgive me if this is 'old news' and your relationship is really good and strong.

Just reading your former posts it seems that you haven't always been against having children so wondered if there was more to it than you seem to be saying.

Confused is my second name!


Yes we did try for a while, but i got so stressed thinking I might get pregnant that we stopped, and I use contraception now. The only thought of being pregnant scares me to death, can't imagine anything more horrible... and yet, I feel sad I'll never know what's to have a baby. I know, it's a total contradiction, but that's how I feel...

About my relationship, it's as strong as it can be, but don't have much experience.. only 1 previous one which was a total disaster (despite lasting 12 years...).

DKLS

Looking back I knew from about the age of 12/13 that I didn't want kids, having the snip was the best decision I ever made My only regret was I didn't have it done at age 18 which would have saved me from a few scares. For me the most terrifying words on this planet to hear would be "i am pregnant"

I do have a couple of nephews and nieces whom I don't mind for an hour or two.

susieq87

ahhhh i feel like im at home in this thread.
i've always thought that it was a phase and one day i will want to have kids but i still dont. if i get pregnant then i will keep the baby however i am not going to try.
unlike other posters i dont like kids. i have a little brother (6, i love him. he's the only child i love unconditionally) and i feel like he's my son anyway but the good thing is i can give him back to his mum and dad and have my peace and quiet. when hes over at my flat ah, its just too much. hes well behaved but i would much rather sit in silence.
my biggest worry is not meeting a man who has the same mind frame as i because i believe that if someone wants to have kids it is unfair to rob that opportunity off them. so far every man i have met and dated wants kids and marriage (i've recently just warmed up to marriage, didnt want it previously either!)

Coconut_2

My OH doesn't want marriage, it makes me feel a bit unsecure at times, but a close friend is getting divorced now and I'm horrified at the cost of the process (emotional and £££). I can't see any benefits to marriage tbh... so I think i'm ok with that.