Not having kids

[Deleted User]

I am another one who knew from about the age of 15 that I did not want children. Almost 30 years later I do not regret this decision.

However, when i realised that me and my husband's relationship (boyfriend at the time) was becoming very serious we had the chat about wanting children. I told him that if he did want them then he needed to leave me as I would never have any. He was more than happy as he too never wanted children.

Do not worry about feeling guilty. No one should live their lives vicariously through yours. However, if your husband does really want children then this may become a difficulty in the marriage.

NoGoodNamesLeft

I don't think I want children. My relationship with my OH (of 15 years) is pretty much perfect and I don't feel like anything is missing from my life.
I am also retraining in a field (Biology and Conservation) which will likely involve travel to some exotic locations and that wouldn't be possible if I had children.

I do sometimes wonder if I will regret it when I am older - not for myself, but for my OH who could be left alone if I die first. But I don't think that is a good enough reason to reproduce, so I am still leaning towards no kids.

FBaby

I don't know anyone who didn't want children and then went on to regret not having them. I don't think it is because they are certain they would never have loved their kids but because not having children has meant they have enjoyed other pleasures in life that they might not have experienced otherwise.

My OH and I thought about having a child together, because he doesn't have any. When it didn't work, we decided to move on. 5 years on, we are both pleased as we can enjoy a nice lifestyle, doing many great things that we wouldn't be able to enjoy if we had a child. If we had, our lives would be different and I'm sure we would have loved our child and our life with them in it, but as it is, I genuinely go to bed and feel the relief that it didn't happen.

PlymouthMaid

I have grown up children but understand where you are all coming from although a childless life is obviously impossible for me to really imagine now and I wouldn't have it any other way. The only thing I would be a bit worried about (but couldn't do a thing about anyway) is that the boyfriend/partner may well up and leave for a younger woman and have children in the future. Men have a much longer time frame to make their minds up in but there is nothing you can do about it.

PenguinOfDeath

I could have written most things on this thread about not wanting children, I've never had a maternal instinct and I just don't know how to be around kids! Don't get me wrong I love my nice and nephews and friends kids but after a couple of hours in their company I can't stand it any longer, the noise, the inane chatter, ..no wonder I've never been asked to babysit

We've not really had the 'pressure' yet from others, some of my friends go on about it a bit but they're the ones who want children, the ones who have had them are too tired to argue In fact, a few have admitted to us if they'd had their time again they wouldn't have had any children, and we're lucky that we know enough and don't just go for it as everyone else is and that's what society tells you is 'normal'

I'm lucky as my OH feels the same way, just tried to persuade him to have the snip now as muahahaha!

LilElvis

Hi Coconut,

I can totally relate to how you are feeling! I wasn't 'anti kids' but I didn't have any really desire for them either, so I prevaricated for several years when I met my partner (now husband). I still don't really know why I finally agreed to stop taking the pill, but I do remember the total panic which gripped me when I got a positive pregnancy test result a few months later - I did 5 in a single morning, in the toilets at work, because I really couldn't believe it. I was numb when I told my other half, my stomach was a knot of nervous acid. I was a zombie the next day too. The third day I had massive cramping pains that had me doubled in half so, after calling my doctor, I commuted the 2 1/2 hour journey home, clutching my stomach and staring at my reflection in the train window, still unsure as to what I wanted the outcome to be. I was poked, prodded and scanned in A&E until nearly midnight, had to go back 2 days later for more blood tests and then got the results over the phone when we were visiting my parents. The nurse told me that my hormone levels were dropping and that I was losing the baby. I cried until every muscle in my body ached. It was only then that I knew that I did want to be a mother - I was nearly 39. After another 18 months of trying to conceive we turned to IVF, at least moderately confident that we had a good chance. Despite my abysmal response to the drugs we were both ecstatic when it worked first time. The crash when I lost the baby a mere 24 hours later was even worse than the first loss - I have never shed so many tears. We tried again, failed again. By then I knew that there was little chance of the clinic retrieving that one 'good' egg that we needed, so we agreed that we would accept the help of a donor. A stranger, a lady I have never met, gave me an incredible gift. She gave me 4 cells - 4 eggs - and one of those became our daughter. I gave up my career, went through several years of being poked, prodded and scanned, spent a small fortune, but finally had her at age 43 - and don't regret any of it. Instead of spreadsheets, meetings and multimillion pound budgets I now go swimming, to the park, paint, dance and hold a little hand whilst she learns to write her name. My typing this post was interrupted whilst I held her on the kitchen work surface so she could watch the popcorn in the microwave. My life is totally different, but I don't miss the things I no longer have, I love the things which have replaced them. I love my darling girl!

I was so unsure, but can only compare it to standing on the highest diving board - the dread and uncertainty of giving yourself up to the unknown, submitting and then ..... the exhilaration as you resurface.

Taking that 'plunge' into the darkness was the right thing for me. Only you, and your partner, will know whether it is a step you are prepared to take.

I wish you well, whatever decision you make.

bugslet

I must be odd, I've only twice been questioned about not having children, given that I'm 50 nearly. I feel I am doing well!

suki1964

I knew from an early age I didn't want children. No idea why, just never ever had dreams of being a mother

First ( and last) time I ever felt a pregnant stomach I nearly puked. Even now I feel sick at the memory

I have wavered at times. First time when I was in my 30's and after years of trying to convince my GP I wanted to be sterilised, my gynaecologist said I was looking at having a hysterectomy ( medical reasons obviously) Then I really did have to think on and I do admit being a bit tearful that if I did change my mind, the option would be gone. The hysterectomy didn't proceed btw

This past year I've also been thinking did I make the right choice. Its the big 50 this year and I've been getting signs of entering the menopause so I guess it's that that's triggering these thoughts

So I'm not going to have children come visit me in my care home, but what the hell I'll prolly not know them if they did. And I have told hubby we are both getting cremated and ashes scattered as I don't want someone in years to come be walking around a well cared for graveyard to come across our unkept graves lol

I have to admit that hubby already had children so it's not like he's missed out. I also have to admit his kids reinforced my decision not to have my own

It's not always easy admitting you don't want children, even to yourself. I think that's why it's so normal to question yourself

mountainofdebt

PasturesNew wrote: »

..... all I can say is that post-50 you suddenly start realising that you'll be home alone for the rest of your days and nobody gives a t0ss.... there'll be nobody visiting and nobody looking out for you in later life. No visitors when you're in hospital .... no birthday cards, nothing.

Having any number of children is no guarantee that someone will look after you .......in fact I think there are alot of people who would have been better off saving the money that they've spent on their children towards having a paid companion in their old age

atolaas

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Having any number of children is no guarantee that someone will look after you .......in fact I think there are alot of people who would have been better off saving the money that they've spent on their children towards having a paid companion in their old age

Very true. My step-mother's two children, who are in their 50's & 60's, never visit or have any contact with their mother. They've washed their hands of her.