Not having kids

GobbledyGook

I always find it bizarre that people who don't have/want children are viewed at selfish.

My parents were awful parents. In the months before she died my mother openly admitted that they were awful, that she knew they'd be awful, but said that she 'really, really wanted' children. THAT is selfish.

Not everyone is cut out to be a parent because, whilst I don't believe the assertion made earlier that children means giving up holidays, night outs, everything, it does require an element of sacrifice. Even if that sacrifice is sleep or cash to pay for someone else to sacrifice their sleep.

I really respect people who chose not to have children. Especially those who are not sure 100% because they risk being disappointed themselves rather than risking a child growing up unwanted.

Better_Days

I'm in my late 40's and have not regretted not having children. I've had the odd 'what if' moment, but in my heart of hearts I know that I wanted a ginger kitten much more than I wanted children (finally got one after 20 years in case you are wondering:D). I love my little nephews and my friends children, but just don't want them myself and luckily neither does DH.

There seems to be this prevalent myth that parents automatically love their children when they are born even if they are unsure during pregnancy. Well, it just isn't true, my Mother is proof of this. And this experience made me think very carefully about what I really wanted.

I've not been 100% sure that I don't want children, but I've been sure enough not to go ahead because it was what most of my friends were doing.

As some others have alluded to, the sheer rudeness of others (usually with children) about my choice is the most irritating thing. Especially the pious, sanctimonious behaviour of some Mothers who behave as they are members of an exclusive club which makes them better than those who don't have children, merrily inconveniencing those around them 'because of the children'.

themull1

whitewing wrote: »

I have never felt maternal, so never had a longing for children. First one was an accident. Second one was planned but was mainly for my husband - he 'expected' to have children one day but would have been quite happy to not have had one of his own. Now she's here, he wouldn't have missed it for the world. He did announce the other day that he would still like another within 4 years, which was a surprise as I'd thought we had agreed no more.

I do love my children despite it being a 'decision' rather than deep longing.

Me too, i had my first daughter 'accidentally' at 29, and the second one sort of planned at 33, my way of thinking, i'd already ruined my life having one child, may as well have another! i didnt ever want kids, although i love them now, if i could live my life again i would be child free.

Coconut_2

Thanks again for sharing your feelings/thoughts, it makes me feel good and less alone


My OH seems ok with not having kids, he says he doesn't mind, that we are too old anyway (he's 43) and it's a lot of work (totally true). But when I see him with his n&n it breaks my heart as he would be such a good dad... I find it terribly sad. I want to believe he's honest and he won't leave me, but who knows..


I want to add I have a friend a bit younger than me married with 2 daughters, and she did it because "she had to", but she has confessed to me she has no maternal instincts whatsoever, and seeing her with the kids is so painful.. like she has to go through the motions but doesn't really enjoy any of it. She tell me about horrible holidays with her family and more kids , how hard is to work and be mum (she works full time), how difficult her pregnancies were.. so to me she's a living proof that you *do* regret it, and she does (although saying those words I understand must be difficult). Because some other people has also told me "but you never regret having kids".... but I think you do.

catkins

Better_Days wrote: »

There seems to be this prevalent myth that parents automatically love their children when they are born even if they are unsure during pregnancy. Well, it just isn't true, my Mother is proof of this. And this experience made me think very carefully about what I really wanted.

If that were true then there would be few children put up for adoption, no children abused by a parent or even killed by a parent. Sadly it is far from true

lori64

I'm 50yrs old, never married and no kids.
Have never regretted not having them, or being married. Just knew from my early teens that, that would be the way my life was going to be, and I wasn't wrong. Had to put up with all the usual 'selfish', 'you'll regret it' 'change your mind' comments over the years. It still was not enough to make me have kids just because 'it's what everyone does'.

When I was in my 20's, my mum was hoping I would give her a grandchild, despite the fact I had voiced to everyone for years I was not maternal, I was also unemployed with no partner at the time. Now, that is what I call selfish. It was all about what she wanted with no thought of my wishes and circumstances at the time.

I do believe many people are together for the wrong reasons and have kids to people they don't even love..whether through neediness, cant stand to be alone, it's what's expected of them etc..... no thanks, I know what I want/don't want, who I am, and refused to 'settle' or be part of the little clique. I'm me, stayed me, and I'm ok with that.

Ironically, it's always people who have been married two/three times that find my choices 'strange'. It's like they cant understand how I can possibly be happy without being in a relationship and childless. I consider myself childfree, not childless. If I was at least divorced once with a child, that makes me more 'normal' as I have at least given birth/been married. Strange!