Not having kids

Kastanie

Gosh, Coconut, you could be me writing that, even down to the puppy! I think this "kids or not" feeling really peaks around 40!

All through my late 20s and 30s I waited for the "maternal instinct" to kick in... and it never did. I love spending time with nieces and nephews, some of my friends' kids are OK (some are unbearable) but I just don't feel the need to produce any of my own.

I have so many plans, things to do, places to go... and I don't mean that in a "me me me" kind of way, but more that life feels very full in a good way. There's no gap that can only be filled by having a child.

I am heartened by all the comments here from people saying they don't regret their decision not to have kids. In fact, we should feel positive about the fact that (generally) we can make a conscious choice to have them or not have them - many years ago we women would not have had that choice. We perhaps struggle with the decision... but at least the decision is ours to make.

Weirdly, the only slight tinge of worry I felt about this came very recently. Not so long ago we bought a house and one day I looked around and suddenly thought "what will happen to all this when we're no longer here?" I don't mean the house itself - I'm sure that will ultimately get swallowed up by care home fees or some such! It was more about the things we own - some really old and beautiful possessions (not valuable, just very old) that belonged to grandparents and great grandparents. Effectively, me and my partner are the end of the line - so what will happen to all these things when we go? What a strange thought! However, even then I did not get the urge to have a child just so I would have someone to pass the sideboard on to...

catkins

FBaby wrote: »

I have to say I'm surprised about this. I can understand any parent saying that being a parent was more difficult then what they had expected, that they regret their freedom, financial stability etc... but to say that they wish they hadn't had their child is quite a confession. I would be quite concerned if one of my friend admitted this to me.

I asked a few people who said they would choose not to have children if they could go back in time why they said that and there were a variety of reasons - some felt their relationship had suffered (quite a few split up and felt it was because of the child/ children, not realising how much they would worry about the child especially about the future (thinking it's not a nice world to bring children into), the child or children giving them problems and worry - taking drugs, getting into trouble and even going to prison, having serious health problems.

FBaby

Why? It doesn't mean they love their child any less or would harm it, it's got to be a matter of adaption.

That is something I can't understand -and mean it as such, not that I judge, just really don't understand - how you can love something you wish had never happened.

Not when they are young because your hormones and instincts kick in - nobody mentioned being hostile to their children or neglecting them just that some of them brought trouble home as teens (most do a bit of that) and it put a strain on the couple.

But doesn't that implies that when things get tougher, or you have less control of, you wish it didn't exist in the first place? I can understand a sudden feeling that you had enough and wish you could be elsewhere without the pressure, for this to go away after a few hours/days, but to look back at your entire time as a parent and feel that as a whole you wish they hadn't been part of your life... I just can't see how this can equate to love and what affect it would have on the children who most likely have picked up at some stage these feelings (if they have not been told).

FBaby

some felt their relationship had suffered (quite a few split up and felt it was because of the child/ children, not realising how much they would worry about the child especially about the future (thinking it's not a nice world to bring children into), the child or children giving them problems and worry - taking drugs, getting into trouble and even going to prison, having serious health problems.

And these are reasons to wish they had not been born? The only reason I can comprehend is when a child suffers and there is nothing that can relieve it. Otherwise, it must be me, but again, I can't understand how you can regret having given birth to a child you supposedly love.

Top_Girl

CC-Warrior wrote: »

You can either have freedom, time, money, decent nights' sleep, holidays, career, social life..

Or you can have kids.

Absolute nonsense.

Top_Girl

I was conceived because one of my parents was mentally ill and at the time - late seventies, early eighties - it was thought that having a family would help cure/control the illness.

What a spiffing idea that turned out to be...

Anyway, as a parent, my best advice is that if you are prepared to put your child's needs and best interests first, for at least eighteen years and probably longer, then having a child is something you should consider.

If not, then please don't.

But don't buy into the bitterness and hype of it being the end of your life. It's simply the start of one with adjusted goalposts.

melanzana

I'm coming late into the debate. Forgive me, I didn't read all the posts.

IMO there are those who are really cut out to be parents, and love it.

There are those who are parents and didnt want to be really, and may abuse their children. May...I said.

There are those who love kids, but are unable to raise them properly due to illness etc.

There are those (millions) who want kids and cannot have them

There are those who love kids, but do not want them for themselves.

It's a dilemma.

Some people fall into parenthood and probably shouldn't have.

There are those who would make great parents but cannot.

Sad world.

My own choice was not to have children. I honestly don't think I would have made a great parent. I liked my independence and freedom too much. Sorry, that may sound awful to some, and very selfish, but to me it's not. Everyone makes choices.

I have five n + ns and love them to bits. But they go home...eventually! I spoil them and love doing that. I think they like me...no Im certain they do!

Anyhow. I didn't have kids, and I feel nothing. No regrets, no yearning, nothing. Am very happy with my choice. And so is my partner BTW! He doesnt want them either. So thankfully we are on the same page.

There are enough people out there who will have children, so that's great.

It's not for everyone.

PenguinOfDeath

FBaby wrote: »

That is something I can't understand -and mean it as such, not that I judge, just really don't understand - how you can love something you wish had never happened.

Not that I'm in this situation (or intend to be), but thinking of it this way... I have a couple of friends who 'love' their parents in a child/parent way, but sometimes they wish these people weren't their parents? Family break ups, drugs, alcoholism...can have an affect if it happens at 3 months or 30 years old. None of them however have reached for a revolver or bought them a one way ticket to Switzerland.

That's my take on it anyway.

FBaby

PenguinOfDeath wrote: »

Not that I'm in this situation (or intend to be), but thinking of it this way... I have a couple of friends who 'love' their parents in a child/parent way, but sometimes they wish these people weren't their parents? Family break ups, drugs, alcoholism...can have an affect if it happens at 3 months or 30 years old. None of them however have reached for a revolver or bought them a one way ticket to Switzerland.

That's my take on it anyway.

I see what you mean, but where is the 'love' in there? I think it's not the feelings of wanting them to be gone that I struggle to understand, but the claim that they still love them. Could it be that they think they do because they feel obliged to say so? Maybe it's the other way around, they feel they can admit that they wish they didn't exist, but struggle to admit that they don't love them any longer?

I guess I separate the feeling of wishing one could get away from a difficult and stressful situation, and wishing that the people who are creating the situation were dead/had never been born.

catkins

FBaby wrote: »

And these are reasons to wish they had not been born? The only reason I can comprehend is when a child suffers and there is nothing that can relieve it. Otherwise, it must be me, but again, I can't understand how you can regret having given birth to a child you supposedly love.

I can't really totally understand as I do not have children but I know a lot of couples have children without even talking about it or thinking it through (especially in the past when it was the "done thing" to have children). I guess then you can find that you are not really cut out to have children.


I can see how you can love a child but can see how different your life could/would have been without that child and feel that if you could go back in time you would choose not to have a child.


If you feel for instance that your marriage/relationship suffered or even failed because of having a baby that could make you regret having the baby.