Not having kids

Coconut_2

Hi,


Just looking for some advice as I'm very confused.. I'm 40 and don't like children.. when I was young (in my 20s) I thought at some point I would have the need to have them, but this hasn't happened..


My partner would like children, but he supports my decision of not having them, the problem is my decision is not that firm.. I've become quite obsessed with it lately thinking my time is running out and I'm missing the most important experience a human can have in life.. all i can see is pregnant women and babies everywhere! (although still don't like them, I can get a million times happier/more excited by a puppy....)


So my question is for those of you who decided not to have children.. were you always 100% sure? Do you regret it? How do you really know if you want or not want to have them?


I think I'm just terrified of regretting it.. but even more terrified of doing something I don't really want.


Any advice welcome, I have no one to discuss this with

Angry_Bear

I'm 33 and I don't want kids (feels a bit like "I'm Angry Bear and I'm an alcoholic").

I've never wanted them, and I don't particularly like them - although I'm reasonably good with other people's. Partly I think it's because I don't know what to do so tend to treat them like really short adults

Sometimes I worry that I will eventually change my mind and it will be too late, but I don't think that's a good enough reason to even consider having them. You or I would have brought a new person into the world, and how terrible if they then grew up with you secretly wishing you hadn't. There are a lot of parents out there who probably still love their kids very much, but clearly see them as a bit of an inconvenience!

If you do change your mind, you can adopt, foster, volunteer with children etc. But choosing to bring children into an overpopulated world just because you're worried that either you should want them or that one day you will seems like a very bad decision to me!

Peater

Good lord, don't consider having them because you feel you 'should'. The last thing the world needs is another damaged soul.

The Angry Bear is wise.

trolleyrun

I'm nearly the same age as you, OP, and I didn't want children. I like some of them, but never wanted one of my own. I found out a couple of years ago that I was in early stages of the menopause, so having children is now a no-go anyway. That discovery didn't upset me in the slightest.

Go with what you want to do. Nobody can tell you how to live your life. Just don't feel pressured into having a child because society believes women are not fulfilled if they don't reproduce.

Yolina

I'm early 40s and never wanted children, was always 100% sure about that and I have no regrets whatsoever Frankly, I wouldn't have the kind of patience required :rotfl: and one thing I really hate is being interrupted when I'm doing something... so yeah, not cut for motherhood at all. Some of my friends have kids and for example after spending a weekend with them when I go visit (3 kids, well behaved and all but still...) the first thing I notice when I get home is how wonderfully quiet it is

Don't have a child just because you think you should, seriously - it's only going to make you and the kid miserable.

marmiterulesok

Don't do it because you feel you should-that's no reason.Having a child that you don't want,just so that you don't have the worry of 'missing out' is a shockingly bad idea.

Only for a very short period of my life did I feel that I might have a child one day.Thankfully that feeling didn't last long.

I'm 47 years old now,and I absolutely don't regret this decision.

Having said this,I feel more able now to understand/appreciate the absolute love that parents have for their children,which is an amazing thing to behold.That maybe makes me sad,that it's something I will never know.It touches me deeply,and I'm glad that it's something that I see more clearly than before.Ultimately though,no kids is definitely the right choice for me.I just don't seem to be able to relate to them on any level,and always feel emotionally clumsy when in their company,even with gurgling babies.

Good luck with your decision.

PS I have said in the past that if I ever wanted children,I would prefer to adopt,as there are so many children without a family,and who deserve one.

Quite frankly,there are already too many people on this planet!

Aldeney

I am 42 and have never had the desire to have children. I don't have any maternal urges, don't particularly like being around them and don't go all gooey when I see a baby.

I wouldn't say I was 100% sure but I too recently started to worry if I made the right decision but, as others have said, feeling like I should have a child is not a good enough reason to have one.

I googled the question a few months ago 'Will i regret not having kids?' A piece of advice I find very useful is that there are probably many people out there who wonder if their lives would have been better without children so it's better to try not to dwell on how life might have been but to make the best of the decisions we have made.

PasturesNew

I speak as somebody who never liked/wanted them, but also who never met somebody to set up home with ..... all I can say is that post-50 you suddenly start realising that you'll be home alone for the rest of your days and nobody gives a t0ss.... there'll be nobody visiting and nobody looking out for you in later life. No visitors when you're in hospital .... no birthday cards, nothing.

But, it's not something you can do anything about.

For you, now, it's your choice and decision ..... and adopting/etc wouldn't be the same as they'd not have the same "vested interest" in caring about you in future times as there's no "blood tie" and sense of history/belonging.

So, I dunno .... but once it is "too late" expect to get these thoughts of "OMG ... it's just me".

BucksLady

PasturesNew wrote: »

I speak as somebody who never liked/wanted them, but also who never met somebody to set up home with ..... all I can say is that post-50 you suddenly start realising that you'll be home alone for the rest of your days and nobody gives a t0ss.... there'll be nobody visiting and nobody looking out for you in later life. No visitors when you're in hospital .... no birthday cards, nothing.

But, it's not something you can do anything about.

For you, now, it's your choice and decision ..... and adopting/etc wouldn't be the same as they'd not have the same "vested interest" in caring about you in future times as there's no "blood tie" and sense of history/belonging.

So, I dunno .... but once it is "too late" expect to get these thoughts of "OMG ... it's just me".

This post really saddened me. Children should never (in my opinion) be regarded as insurance policy for old age.

Pollycat

Coconut wrote: »

So my question is for those of you who decided not to have children.. were you always 100% sure? Do you regret it? How do you really know if you want or not want to have them?

I was sure around the age of 15 that I'd never want children.

I never changed my mind and have never regretted it 45 years on.

I was lucky that I met 2 men (married twice) who were of the same mind as me.

I think that if you have children you miss out on some things and if you don't have children you miss out on different things.

Good luck with making the right decision for you.

ema_o

I have a 3 year old & 1 on the way. I always felt like I wanted children and for me it was the best decision I ever made.

However bringing up my LO has also been one of the hardest things I have ever done. Not all of the time (most of the time it is brilliant) but he is always hardest to deal with when I am least able to cope with it. The good times definitely make up for the bad - but if you don't think you want / like children you might not find that they do.

Angry Bear - treating children like small adults is the best way to be with them, no wonder other people's children like you!