Not having kids

bugslet

Coconut wrote: »

Many thanks to all for your replies. Apart from my confusion the other thing I'm finding difficult to handle is the guilt I feel for my partner.. I love him and I know he would love to have kids. He has a niece & a nephew who he adores and they adore him, but they live far and we don't see them much (I can't really spend much time with them..).


I know it's his decision to stay with me , he could walk away and find someone else, but still..


Also feel extremely guilty with my parents, who would love grandchildren, but I understand I'm the one who has to raise a kid, and I can't have a kid just to make them or my partner happy.


Still... the guilt kills me sometimes

Turn 50 in a few weeks and never wanted them and still don't - just totally lacking that maternal gene.

As far as being alone, well I have absolutley no family and am widowed,. so it is really just me and my bunch of lovely friends, but I don't fear loneliness in old age. Anything could happen, I could meet a new chap, I could be be run over by a bus next week.

As for the post I've quoted above, I remember seeing a woman who had a young child, three or four years old on a TV programme. She hadn't really wanted children, but had been convinced by her husband and family that once she had one, she would grow to love the baby/child. She didn't though. She cared for the child and he looked a happy lively little boy, but she didn't have that deep maternal love for a child. It was a very sad interview.

bugslet

Coconut wrote: »

My OH doesn't want marriage, it makes me feel a bit unsecure at times, but a close friend is getting divorced now and I'm horrified at the cost of the process (emotional and £££). I can't see any benefits to marriage tbh... so I think i'm ok with that.

And to add, my OH wanted to get married, I never did despite him trying. We were together over 28 years, so we did OK - better than some marriages.

Just make sure that you get the paperwork in place to cover what happens should anything go wrong or one of you dies, wills, PoAs that kind of thing.

MallyGirl

Make-it-3 wrote: »

You will never know what its like to have kids if you don't have them, but its not something you can try and see if you like.

I was 40 when I had my daughter, I wasn't maternal but like you OP my OH wanted children and although he didn't pressure me I know he would ultimately have been very sad and regretful to miss out.

It took me a while to get pregnant and then once I was a long time to come to terms with it and I worried constantly I wouldn't love the child. But the day she was born I was overwhelmed with love and she is the light of my life.

Yes, she has changed my life completely, it is the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the most rewarding. She has made me see life with a different perspective. I'm still not brilliant with other people's children and am happy with just one. But I do sometimes wonder whether I would have been this contented with life if I was still childless.

As others have said, don't have a child in the hope they will keep you from loneliness or look after you when you are old. Having a child is all about giving not receiving.

Apart from being 35 rather than 40 when I had DD I could have written this. I always said I wasn't going to get married or have kids. Was with DH for 6 years before he proposed and married 2 years before having DD. One was definitely enough for me and I have never been great with other people's children. Bizarrely they seem to like me but that might be because I treat them all like mini adults. It was a choice to have DD rather than a desperate need. I do wonder what I did with all that free time before child (and dogs)

Free_Spirit_31

Hi Coconut,

This is subject that is very close to my heart.

I thought I wanted children, only because I thought it was normal and socially expected to do so. I think I realised I didn't want kids when I was about 26.

I then babysat a child of an ex friend of mine and all he did was scream the house down, the baby was only 3 months old and she was going out for a night out for the first time in ages. There were other reasons why my then friend and I drifted apart.

I read articles about the government giving out all sorts of benefits like WTC and CTC and then saying they have overpaid the recipient and then parents worrying when their child comes of age and then loses said benefits. I read things about kids being bad at school and getting in with the wrong crowd. Parenting is a thankless job, let's face it.. Kids will disappoint you because alot of parents live vicariously though their children. It is all well and good saying "It depends how you bring your kids up!" Well, you cannot stop who your kids hang around with at school, peer pressure you know.. You cannot wrap your kids in cotton wool.. You can tell them one thing and they will do the complete opposite.

I will never have to do with the Child Support Agency!

I am in my early 30s. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and we are still very much in love, hardly ever argue and both like to do what we want to do. A relative of mine was upset that I was not going to have children. However, she has yet to flow the nest and never had a serious boyfriend herself.

Do not have children because you feel you have to or to please yours or his parents, there is no returns label or address when you have had enough. No doubt you will get them telling you how to raise the children and interfering, treading on your toes. You have people who use their children as weapons and pawns in a bitter divorce or relationship breakup and thus when that child goes on to procreate the cycle will continue.

Having children is a choice not an automatic right. I notice people saying "Being a mother is hard but it is worth it!" Implying that they are struggling and it is hard work but it is like they are seeking approval from others for being some sort of martyr to the cause.

You see comments on celebrities in The Daily Fail 'why does such and such bother to have children if they are never around them?' Then, if someone is a hands on parent, they are still vilified! "Why do you want to be around your kids all the time, get a life!" You are damned if you do, damned if you don't!

I do see alot of posts (not on this site, on other forums) from people wishing they either waited or didn't have any at all. "Why didn't anyone tell me it would be this hard?!" I see people moaning about the trials and tribulations of parenthood. It amazes me when people are expecting and they only see things through rose tinted glasses. Then if there are issues, later comes the cliche "Everything was alright before we had kids"

People used to have children to carry on the population. Now, people only have children for egotistical and competitive reasons. They want to be the main topic of discussion in the family and if someone else in the family is expecting, the first soon-to-be parent has their nose out of joint and the lime light is stolen from them.

I watch shows like Jo Frost Family Matters and I take my hat off to people, the guests are usually crying their eyes out threatening to split from their partner because they cannot handle it anymore.

I get all the usual spiel whenever someone wants to challenge my way of life....

Who will look after you when you are old?
The same nurse as yours when your kids sling you in an old people's home and only bother with you when you pop your clogs and want your estate. All you have to do is ask a old people'e home carer how many children visit their elders and you will be surprised with the answer of hardly any.

You were a child once
Yeah and I hated it and I would not wish being a teenager in this day and age on anyone!

The children are our future
Well, I weep for humanity.

Don't you want your parents to be grandparents
No, I do not want to have them as free babysitters because they have their own life, they have done their job already raising kids.

I want to get sterilised but my GP will not refer me because I am too young! However, there are people who are 'professional breeders' who never worked a day in their life and just milk the system and then it grinds the gears of people who either cannot afford to have a(nother) child or work all the hours God sends and still has to go to a food bank to make ends meet.

There is a housing crisis, hardly any school places, too many teachers wanting to run away with your kids to European countries or interfere with them! No.. I don't want that worry.

I like to think of myself as a free spirit, a non-conformist. I don't do what everyone else does.. work full time in a job I hate. Come home to a man I cannot stand and tear my hair out because the kids are not behaving and be in debt but continue to bury my head in the sand. To wake up again the next morning to go through the same thing again. again.

I would never tell someone to have children or not or tell them what to do with their life. Live and let live. It is their life, their choice and because I would not appreciate people telling me what to do with my life so I would not dictate to others. I am the sort that does not like to be tied down and feel like my life is being consumed. I like to think I am quite a grounded and level headed.

My manager said "Don't you want kids?" I said no, I could not work in the job I was in now if I had children. I have to be up at half 5 to be at work for 7am. I am home by 12pm. So I would have to get a sitter to take the child at stupid 'o' clock. My partner works part time as well. If my child is sick. I would have to take time off to look after them. This may upset other colleagues and possibly put my job on the line and I may get called in the office because of my attendance.

I have pets but I am not the sort that personifies the animals and calls them my babies because they are not babies and they are not replacements for babies.

I have had people who cannot have children for medical reason and then tell me that I should have children.. BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN, I have breasts and a reproductive system. I have had it from men too. I have said to one guy.. well you should fight for your homeland in a war and die for your country to prove YOUR masculinity!!

You hear it so many times where the man feels neglected because they partner, now a mother does not have time for him. You hear of women losing their identity because they are just 'Mummy' now.

I like my sleep, love life, computer, books and peace and quiet. ...

patchwork_cat

Was shocked when my step brothers wife said that as her husband had never wanted children she had gone without and now she wouldn't have any and wanted to go shopping with them! Well all I can say is thank god her husband didn't want children as if she thought all children were for or all she had to do was go shopping some poor soul has been saved!


Children are 100% and if you don't feel you can give 100% then you have made/are making the right decision.

ali-t

Coconut wrote: »

Hi,


Just looking for some advice as I'm very confused.. I'm 40 and don't like children.. when I was young (in my 20s) I thought at some point I would have the need to have them, but this hasn't happened..


My partner would like children, but he supports my decision of not having them, the problem is my decision is not that firm.. I've become quite obsessed with it lately thinking my time is running out and I'm missing the most important experience a human can have in life.. all i can see is pregnant women and babies everywhere! (although still don't like them, I can get a million times happier/more excited by a puppy....)


So my question is for those of you who decided not to have children.. were you always 100% sure? Do you regret it? How do you really know if you want or not want to have them?


I think I'm just terrified of regretting it.. but even more terrified of doing something I don't really want.


Any advice welcome, I have no one to discuss this with

OMG, it's like looking in a mirror! I don't have any desire to have children but i have a niggle that I might regret not having any. Like you I prefer a puppy lol

Pollycat

Free_Spirit_31 wrote: »

I want to get sterilised but my GP will not refer me because I am too young!

I'd like to send you a pm but your profile doesn't seem to allow it.

belfastgirl23

I've made this choice too. I also wonder at times, but being honest my wondering is about the 'who will give a damn when I'm older' variety and this is definitely no reason to bring another human being into the world. I have never felt maternal, never wanted to bring a baby home, never looked into a pram and felt envious. If anything I've felt relief that it's not me taking that child home, no matter how nice they are. When I have doubts, I remind myself of this. I don't actually want a child, just an insurance policy and that's about the worst reason for having kids you could have. And it's a pretty faulty insurance policy, not all children do care about their parents...

I'm lucky though in that there is no pressure from anyone to have kids, DH would be horrified at the thought and my mum has never felt the need to be a grandma. Having children for someone else is definitely not a good idea in any case. I have known people who did that and underneath it, whilst they loved their kids, they have always been a little resentful of what they could have done. As an aside, I have also found that my female friends who got pregnant on promises from their DH's that they would do the donkey work have been sadly let down so if you do decide to have a baby, do so on the basis that you will be doing most of the work and then you won't be disappointed.

I do think this is something you need to go with your gut on. Leaving aside questions of guilt, have you ever really wanted to have a child? I mean that gut feeling that it's something that's right for you (I recognise it a bit because I do feel it around puppies and kittens lol). If you haven't then the answer is pretty clear. If you have sometimes then you do have some more thinking to do.

[Deleted User]

PasturesNew wrote: »

... and adopting/etc wouldn't be the same as they'd not have the same "vested interest" in caring about you in future times as there's no "blood tie" and sense of history/belonging...

I have been with my husband for over 22 years. In all that time I have never ever seen him so upset as when his father died recently. My husband clung to me as though he was drowning. I honestly feel that if I had let go of him during the funeral he would have fallen over and my husband is not an emotional man.

He was adopted at the age of six weeks.

What ever happens my mother-in-law will be supported and loved into her old age by both of us.

My parents can go swivel if they think I will be there for them, especially as they have no interest in me and have not seen me in many years.

I am not adpoted.

Goldiegirl

I knew from an early age that I wasn't interested in having children.


My friends would talk about when they grew up and would have children, but even then I couldn't imagine having children of my own.


When I got married, the 'when shall we have children' thing never came up, because it was something that wasn't of interest to either of us.


We had the usual outside pressures - 'you'll regret it when you are older', 'you need to carry on the family name', 'OH's mother wants a grandchild', 'you are selfish not having children' - all the usual rubbish that is trotted out!


We never took any notice, and never felt the need to justify ourselves. We just carried on enjoying our lives. People stopped talking about it in the end, in case there was 'Something Wrong' and they thought we'd get upset


I'm 54 now, and do I regret it?


Not for a second - I'm completely content with my life. I could never think of any reason why I should have a child, and I still can't now