Not having kids

PasturesNew

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Having any number of children is no guarantee that someone will look after you .......

No, there are no guarantees; I was talking of caring about, not caring for. The odd phone call, occasional card, maybe picked up and taken to the supermarket a couple of times a year.... 1001 little things ... the everyday stuff people do for/with their parents, stuff that you don't even notice if you're giving/getting it.

PasturesNew

BucksLady wrote: »

This post really saddened me. Children should never (in my opinion) be regarded as insurance policy for old age.

Not an insurance policy - just contact with the world and a feeling that there's somebody out there that might care if you fell over or were in hospital; somebody who might send you a card at Xmas/birthday, or buy you slippers you hate every year. So, contact and a link to somebody with a vested interest in whether you exist or not.

heartbreak_star

Never wanted children and will never have any.

(Potentially distressing comment warning!)

I had a very early miscarriage at 19 and the main emotion I felt was relief - there was some sadness and confusion there but overwhelmed by relief. I had suspected I didn't want children for some time but that confirmed it.

I have tried to get sterilised, but apparently the implant is just as effective so I have that now.

HBS x

trailingspouse

I'm sure in days long gone by there were many women who didn't want children or were at best ambivalent about it - but with social pressure to marry and no reliable contraception they ended up having them anyway.

Be thankful that you live in an age and a country where you have the choice, and make the most of it.

There may be people around you who would like you to have children. To be harsh, that's their problem, not yours. You have to do what's right for you - it's too big an issue to just do it because you think other people might want you to.

bargainbetty

I'm 39 and I've never wanted children. Ever. I am child-free by choice. At no point in my life have I even thought 'oh, that might be nice'. My mum is a bit disappointed, but she has two grandkids from my brother, so she isn't missing out.

My aunt, who also chose not to have a family, is supportive of it, and says that she has friends and family to look after her when she needs it, but is mostly so independent that it took a foot of snow for her to let me take her some shopping. I do get flack from those who think a woman's place is to breed, but I tend to politely or not politely inform people that it's my bloody choice what I do with my nether regions, and I've ignored quite a lot of society's other guidelines as well, in my time. Said with the right smile, that tends to shut them up.

I will look after myself until I am past-it enough to 'go Swiss' if the laws here haven't changed. I don't feel the need to keep my genes in the pool (I think it needs a bit of disinfectant, to be honest) and I'm just not maternal enough to do it for fun. It's a huge commitment. I know mothers who are jealous of my freedoms and ease of life, and I do respect the love the families have, but I've just never needed it. My parents were fabulous, so it's not judgement about how kids are raised.

I read 'We need to talk about Kevin' and the line that struck the most with me was the moment the mother realised that she didn't actually really want kids. It was a bit late, she was in mid-pregnancy, but the reality of giving up all her freedoms and becoming little more than a vessel for reproduction and child-rearing left her cold. I would be terrified that I would feel that way, if it came to it.

Don't do it because you think you should. Don't' do it for someone else or for the person you think you should be. Do it if, and only if, you want a child, truly and with all your heart.

For the person who commented that adopted children don't love their adoptive parents in the same way because of no blood ties, shame on you.

SandC

I think us child free sometimes come under a bit of stick because often you have friends who didn't really want them, weren't sure etc but when it came to having them realised it was the best thing they ever did and the best feeling they ever had.

They only really want us to experience that and think we are missing out. But as we know, you don't miss what you didn't have in the first place.

I don't know anyone who has said they regretted having kids, although I'm sure it happens.

I've never had any maternal thoughts of any kind and my relationship history has been sketchy to say the least so it's never been an issue on that side either. If I thought I would meet the love of my life tomorrow would I feel regret that at 43 it's now (what I consider) a bit too late? Nope. But perfectly comfortable and happy to have stepchildren in my life. If that man was right for me then so would whoever he brings with him be.

Edited to say to that BargainBetty above, my mum passed away when I was 10 but I have had an amazing stepmum since I was 13 who has done nothing but think of my father and brother and I ever since. She is wonderful. I only knew my mum for 10 years, I've known Barb for over 30. Sorry but the love I feel for her is just as strong if not stronger as to be honest I don't remember all that much about mum.

Abbafan1972

BucksLady wrote: »

This post really saddened me. Children should never (in my opinion) be regarded as insurance policy for old age.

Even if you do have kids, it's never set in stone they will be there when you grow old anyway. You just don't know what's going to happen (god forbid) your child could even die before you do, or a family feud could mean you never hear from them when you're older and you end up being on your own anyway. Or they just might not want to care for you.

I have kids myself but I respect people's decision whether they choose to have kids or not, it's their choice. Some people choose to have animals instead.

One of the worst things is pressure from friends/family, quite soon after your wedding day the constant jibes "so when are you going to chip one out then?" I can remember my Mom saying to me when I was younger when I pulled a face when kids were mentioned "oh but you've got to have kids!" (this wasn't the reason I did have them, I just wasn't ready at that time). Even though I'm an only child myself, If I'd have chosen not to have kids then I wouldn't have let my parents bully me into it.

You do whatever is right for you.

OrkneyStar

I was never that maternal as a child, teenager, into my twenties, got married at 29 and wasn't until I was over 30 that I thought it might be o.k. and DH felt similar I suppose. Ended up having DS at a month before my 32nd birthday, and have not had any more. Life is a lot different, less money, less freedom, less spare time, however I am very glad we had him. It is true that kids make you love and see things in a way no other event (that I have experienced) does. That said, you are not in any way abnormal if you don't want to have them, we are all different, and some folk just know!
I hope you get it sorted in your head, it will be a big change- it is at any age, but only you two can decide! x

snowleopard61

I have two children in their early twenties. I married my ex when we were 21 and 22 and we were generally very happy. Unfortunately we never really discussed how we felt about having children as our main concern at the time was to avoid doing so just then! When our circumstances permitted it (about 5 or 6 years later) it became apparent that he had become certain he didn’t want them; while I was certain I did. It took a lot of discussion – there is no compromising over this issue! – and in the end he agreed that we would go ahead, on the basis that I would take total practical responsibility for the daily care of any children we did have, while he would do his best to have an affectionate relationship with them. I found this acceptable, on the basis that it was what happened in many families for much of the 20th century, and we put it into practice.

Our marriage broke up after 16 years, when our children were 6 and 8, for various reasons, one of which was that, perhaps not surprisingly given his feelings, he always put his work before his family (and has continued to do so, having married a second time and had a third child who was ostensibly an ‘accident’). I still get on quite well with him and have a friendly enough relationship with his wife. As adults our children see him every month or so but seem to feel rather lukewarm or detached towards him –I’ve never told them how he felt about the prospect of having children and have done my best to encourage them to stay close to him, but it still doesn’t quite work. Perhaps it was naïve to expect it to.

Oddly, quite unlike some of the posters above who like children but have no desire to have their own, I’m not too bothered about other people’s (kittens and puppies win hands down) but absolutely wanted my own. . Yet if I had been told I physically couldn’t have a child, I would have accepted it; I would have found the uncertainty of IVF intolerable and adoption would never have been an option for me because I knew I could never really love a child who wasn’t biologically mine. (For the same reason I couldn’t be a childminder and don’t particularly like babysitting.) Even when my children tried my patience, as children do - and as even now mine sometimes do! - I still felt absolutely bonded to them; their problems were my problems and they still are. (Someone once said that a mother is only ever as happy as her unhappiest child, and I’ve personally felt this to be very true.) I do think maternal instinct exists in humans and I think I must have it; but that doesn’t mean every woman has.

vroombroom

I'm 30 and never wanted children either - I'm too materialistic, I love my holidays, cars and shopping too much.

I fell pregnant with my son who's now 3. It was instant love for him for me and his dad BUT we are both just happy with the one. I never look at babies and get broody or maternal (I do with puppies however ) and we constantly get questioned on why we bought a two bedroom house, when is the next one due etc to comments about our son being lonely when he grows up, not having anyone to play with etc etc. People seem to think we are joking when we say we're not having money.

(and I still get my holidays, new cars and shopping!)