Not having kids

BritAbroad

I am in my late 30s and happily child free. At best, I tolerate children. There are no kids in the family thankfully, but some friends have kids and they tend to irritate me a lot so I tend to avoid spending time with them if the kids are going to be in tow. I just find it so incredibly wearing and most kids don't seem to become interesting people until they are teenagers. I am staggered at how rude and unpleasant a lot of kids are, but then when the parents take a 'Mama Bear' attitude where their child can do no wrong and god help anybody who happens to be in the way, it suddenly makes sense. I know most of them will eventually grow up to be decent people, but it's pretty painful for everyone else in the meantime. And, sadly, this sense of entitlement seems to be encouraging an ever-growing minority to NOT grow up as decent, civilised human beings.

I've never regretted the decision not to have kids ( I actually consider it less of a decision and more the natural order of things), but I have pondered it from time to time. I actually think this extra wondering is really healthy and reassuring that it's the right choice. Maybe if some parents did the same thing first there might be fewer irresponsible parents around. I've been lucky that few people have questioned me though those parents who've told me I might change my mind soon shut up when they get the same comment back.

I actually think my parents would be terrific grandparents but it's not a reason to have kids. I am always horrified at the way a lot of parents of young children treat their own parents - as unpaid nannies, depending on them for regular childcare. It strikes me as irresponsible. My parents would never have done that - my gran had a job well into her seventies and a fantastic social life into her eighties.

Morglin

Coconut wrote: »

Hi,


Just looking for some advice as I'm very confused.. I'm 40 and don't like children.. when I was young (in my 20s) I thought at some point I would have the need to have them, but this hasn't happened..


My partner would like children, but he supports my decision of not having them, the problem is my decision is not that firm.. I've become quite obsessed with it lately thinking my time is running out and I'm missing the most important experience a human can have in life.. all i can see is pregnant women and babies everywhere! (although still don't like them, I can get a million times happier/more excited by a puppy....)


So my question is for those of you who decided not to have children.. were you always 100% sure? Do you regret it? How do you really know if you want or not want to have them?


I think I'm just terrified of regretting it.. but even more terrified of doing something I don't really want.


Any advice welcome, I have no one to discuss this with

At 40, natural conception might be difficult anyway.

But, although I do have kids, (adults now) I have a few friends that chose not to have kids, and they don't regret it.

Kids are not any sort of insurance for old age, because who knows how they will turn out?

I don't regret mine, I love them dearly and would do anything for them, but I had them because that's what 'you did' in the early 70's, and I seriously think that, had I been born a little later, I wouldn't have bothered - I was a career woman, got bored with being at home, and shot back to work ASAP!

Personal choice really.

Lin

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

Except that the best parents are not always the ones who wanted their kids most. A friend of mine was totally against children. She was a free spirit, wanted to expand her skills in art, travel the world and she just wasn't maternal. I would tell things about my kids and I could tell from her face the relief it wasn't her. I thought it was a good thing she didn't want kids because I could picture her being a mother one bit. Then one day, out of blue, fresh into a relationship, she announced that she wanted a child and 3 months later she was pregnant. She had the worse pregnancy I have ever heard and yet, the second her baby was born, she was totally in love with her child. The child is now 7 and my friend has just turned into a complete other person. She is such a caring mum. She couldn't care less about everything else, she just can't wait to come her to her girl after work. She has repeated so many times that listening to her heart then was the best decision she has ever made.

Unfortunately, the opposite happens too

The child was wanted though.

catkins

TTC40 wrote: »

You will find people on both side of the fence - but you are more likely in life to regret things you didn't do than things you did!

Having a child and regretting it has got to be worse than not having a child and regretting it surely?

SandC wrote: »

I don't know anyone who has said they regretted having kids, although I'm sure it happens.

Over the years I have had quite a lot of women and men who have said that although they love their children if they could go back in time they would not have any.


I am 60, married for over 30 years, no children and don't regret it at all and neither does OH.


Up until about 23 I always said I would have lots of children (at least 4) but then I met OH and we discussed having children at length and decided to stay childfree. There were quite a few reasons we decided this and we have been told over the years by numerous people that we would regret it but, as I say, we don't.


We both like children and are close to our nieces and nephews and when they were younger they would come and stay with us for weekends or we would take them away for a weekend which we loved but we also loved handing them back to their parents at the end of the weekend!


To be totally honest it has occasionally crossed my mind what my life would have been like with a child and how it would have felt to be pregnant but those thoughts have been few and far between and only lasted maybe a few minutes!


It does worry me at times that if OH dies before me I may end up lonely but, as others have said, you can't have children so that you don't end up alone and there are no guarantees in life anyway. Children can move abroad, fall out with you or even die before you. My neighbour had 4 children and now at age 90 all her children are dead.

FBaby

Over the years I have had quite a lot of women and men who have said that although they love their children if they could go back in time they would not have any.

I have to say I'm surprised about this. I can understand any parent saying that being a parent was more difficult then what they had expected, that they regret their freedom, financial stability etc... but to say that they wish they hadn't had their child is quite a confession. I would be quite concerned if one of my friend admitted this to me.

CC-Warrior

Coconut wrote: »

Hi,


Just looking for some advice as I'm very confused.. I'm 40 and don't like children.. when I was young (in my 20s) I thought at some point I would have the need to have them, but this hasn't happened..


My partner would like children, but he supports my decision of not having them, the problem is my decision is not that firm.. I've become quite obsessed with it lately thinking my time is running out and I'm missing the most important experience a human can have in life.. all i can see is pregnant women and babies everywhere! (although still don't like them, I can get a million times happier/more excited by a puppy....)


So my question is for those of you who decided not to have children.. were you always 100% sure? Do you regret it? How do you really know if you want or not want to have them?


I think I'm just terrified of regretting it.. but even more terrified of doing something I don't really want.


Any advice welcome, I have no one to discuss this with

You can either have freedom, time, money, decent nights' sleep, holidays, career, social life..

Or you can have kids.

People say that kids are 'rewarding' but some of my friends who have had kids, their lives are ruined.

PenguinOfDeath

FBaby wrote: »

I have to say I'm surprised about this. I can understand any parent saying that being a parent was more difficult then what they had expected, that they regret their freedom, financial stability etc... but to say that they wish they hadn't had their child is quite a confession. I would be quite concerned if one of my friend admitted this to me.

Why? It doesn't mean they love their child any less or would harm it, it's got to be a matter of adaption.

GeeBee38

I am 40 and I very much regret not having children, I really do wish I had had them when I had the chance when I was younger

I'm single now, and I feel time had passed me bye, Huge regret.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

I have to say I'm surprised about this. I can understand any parent saying that being a parent was more difficult then what they had expected, that they regret their freedom, financial stability etc... but to say that they wish they hadn't had their child is quite a confession. I would be quite concerned if one of my friend admitted this to me.

You've pretty much summed up why not many people ever admit it.

Mrs_pbradley936

FBaby wrote: »

I have to say I'm surprised about this. I can understand any parent saying that being a parent was more difficult then what they had expected, that they regret their freedom, financial stability etc... but to say that they wish they hadn't had their child is quite a confession. I would be quite concerned if one of my friend admitted this to me.

I will try and find a link about this for you - but it is quite true. Not when they are young because your hormones and instincts kick in - nobody mentioned being hostile to their children or neglecting them just that some of them brought trouble home as teens (most do a bit of that) and it put a strain on the couple.


Plus however much you say you can leave them to their own devices when they are 18 - you never can. You worry that they have taken up with the wrong partner. If they mention that they do not want to do A levels you are sure they will be a pauper all their life. It never stops and it is wearing. Not at all the same as letting a partner go their own way after several years together.


What started the "child free rather than childless" movement was a book by Helen Peck called The Baby Trap. She likened child free and childless to carefree and careless!