Not having kids

BunnieJ

Over the years I have had quite a lot of women and men who have said that although they love their children if they could go back in time they would not have any.

A friend from uni was chatting with her mother, when she came out with "If I had my time again, I don't think I would've had children". Needless to say, my friend was gobsmacked!

Having spoken to my own parents about having children, they both agreed that if they'd been told they couldn't concieve, they wouldn't have been bothered about having any. They're fantastic parents, but it does take you by suprise when they come out with these things! :shocked:

My OH's parents (divorced when he was a teenager) were married with kids by their early 20's, compared to my parents who had me late 20's and early 30's. They were seen as different back then because they got married and has their children when they were a bit older!

I don't know if I want children, I think I'm in the same frame of mind as my parents. If I can, then great. If I can't, that's ok too. I've never been one for cooing over babies etc and I never know how to act around kids. I'm sure I've looked at babies and they've started crying! IMHO, there is a cut off point (not for everybody, but for me) that if I haven't had children by then, I won't. There's nothing wrong with being an "older" mum, but I just don't want to be one. My OH definately wants children in the future, so maybe that will be a factor in my decison, but it's only one that I can make for myself.

Don't have children because you think you "should" or your partner/family/friends are pushing you, have them because you really want them

yorkshire_terrier_owner

I have never wanted children. At 16 I said so, and still feel the same now. I also never wanted to get married. I have lived with boyfriends in the past and hated it. I am never happier than when I am single and living alone.

I have a good circle of friends, and in addition to my job I breed dogs. Give me a dog over children and a husband any day!

I do find the reaction from others to be nothing short of rude. People think I must be lonely, miserable, sad. I am none of those things, and I have never been happier. People think I am not normal because I deliberately chose a path that is not the 'norm'. Because I have lots of dogs (because I breed) people have told me to my face that I am 'bonkers', 'a batty dog lady', 'mad' etc etc. They way people judge me can be appalling and at times abusive. I experience prejudice from people who would never display prejudice to minority groups, but genuinely do not realise what they are doing. When this happens I ask people if they realise what they are doing. That normally stops people in their tracks.

Nevertheless, I have NO regrets about my life choices.

Mrs_pbradley936

Here is the link I mentioned earlier:
http://www.raleighnokidding.com/articles.html


for the one that askes about regret scroll down about half way - but the others might be of interest too.

Noctu

I'm happily married and we do not want children. I'm 28 and my husband is 34.

The amount of people (usually women I have to say) who ask if I have any children, hearing the answer, then reacting with shock and negativity is quite astounding. The most recent being a hairdresser, who upon hearing that we are child free by choice, spent the next 15 minutes trying to convince me to have children, that I'd "change my mind eventually", or "maybe you'll have them in the future, though?"

Whilst this choice, and the feeling behind this choice, is not set in stone, I really do not appreciate interactions with people like this - especially as they have no idea of our ability (rather than choice) to have children in the first place.

Gloomendoom

yorkshire_terrier_owner wrote: »

People think I am not normal because I deliberately chose a path that is not the 'norm'.

Surprising, that.

Worry_Wart

I'm 35, and I don't want children. It just doesn't make any sense to go down that path when I don't feel any maternal pull.

My parents grew up in pre-contraception Ireland, and got married in their teens, as my mother was pregnant (although whether my older sister is actually my fathers or not is up for debate).

Despite the fact my parents had four kids together (then divorced), both say they would never have kids if they'd had a choice. My dad is fully supportive of my wishes to have a nice lifestyle and a good career instead. I'll make sure I put enough money into my pension to pay for a nurse later in life if I need one, instead of inflicting myself on kids in old age.

CC-Warrior

Top_Girl wrote: »

Absolute nonsense.

Explain why this is nonsense. When these things often go out of the window when you have a child.

Top_Girl

CC-Warrior wrote: »

Explain why this is nonsense. When these things often go out of the window when you have a child.

Often being the operative word, plenty of people including myself manage to have many of the things you said we had to choose not to have as well as being parents.

Crass generalisations aren't helpful.

CC-Warrior

Top_Girl wrote: »

Often being the operative word, plenty of people including myself manage to have many of the things you said we had to choose not to have as well as being parents.

Crass generalisations aren't helpful.

I'm merely quoting what lots of parents have told me.

grastgirl

Coconut

There's a lot of discussion on here about not having kids if you don't want them yourself, but quite a few of them have ignored the fact that your OH would like kids.

I am in the same situation, although only 34. Not long ago I went through a phase of tormenting myself over the issue of whether I just don't love him enough to give him children (assuming I could). I ended up bawling down the phone to my Mum about it, and later that night with him which seems to have cleared my head for now. Mainly because he said he wouldn't leave me over it, although I do fear that he might leave in the future, when it becomes apparent that I won't change my mind. (I keep sort of hoping I might). He's incredibly good and never really mentions it, although I know he gets very down about it sometimes. Mum however, probably thinks I'll change my mind when my career is where I want it to be, but she went from not wanting kids to being a terrific mum when I came along, so thinks that will happen for me too.

We did discuss it before we got married, but I think his desire to have kids has got stronger since, partly because he doesn't have any nieces and nephews (and may never have any at this rate). I have nephews on my side, who I adore, but can happily give them back after a few hours, and that's probably enough for me.

Everything about the whole pregnancy, childbirth and bringing up children for 18+ years terrifies me to the point where if there's even a slim chance of me getting pregnant (missed pills etc), I clam up so much that it's not physically possible to have sex. If I were to get pregnant I would be gut-wrenchingly anxious, but I don't think I would have an abortion (unless there was some health reason).

I guess I would say just talk to your OH, and hope he's as understanding as mine was. As someone earlier said, there's no compromise on this issue, so you both have to be OK about the situation.

Regarding how other people view it, it does seem like being married, with a house and financial security makes you perfect parents-to-be. I was actually told I should have kids to improve the gene pool.

During my crisis I likened saying I don't want children to telling people you're gay, which I admit is a bit melodramatic. But at least when you're gay they generally don't try to convince you to change your mind!

Sorry, seem to have written an essay, but hope it helps you to know other people are in the same situation. I was reading the forum thinking I might post about it myself.