Not having kids

marmiterulesok

PasturesNew wrote: »

I speak as somebody who never liked/wanted them, but also who never met somebody to set up home with ..... all I can say is that post-50 you suddenly start realising that you'll be home alone for the rest of your days and nobody gives a t0ss.... there'll be nobody visiting and nobody looking out for you in later life. No visitors when you're in hospital .... no birthday cards, nothing.

But, it's not something you can do anything about.

For you, now, it's your choice and decision ..... and adopting/etc wouldn't be the same as they'd not have the same "vested interest" in caring about you in future times as there's no "blood tie" and sense of history/belonging.

So, I dunno .... but once it is "too late" expect to get these thoughts of "OMG ... it's just me".

Not everyone feels that way,that not having kids means a lonely old age.

I would also dispute your idea that being adopted means you loving your adoptive parents less than your real parents.

kazwookie

I decided at about 12 to 14 years old I didn't want kids, and I haven't.

To me they are noisy!! and I cannot be doing with it.

I love kids in general for about 2 to 3 hours each time, then I can hand them back, I could never be doing with them ongoingly, but I do admire those that do, especially those that have large families.

dandelionclock30

PasturesNew wrote: »

I speak as somebody who never liked/wanted them, but also who never met somebody to set up home with ..... all I can say is that post-50 you suddenly start realising that you'll be home alone for the rest of your days and nobody gives a t0ss.... there'll be nobody visiting and nobody looking out for you in later life. No visitors when you're in hospital .... no birthday cards, nothing.

But, it's not something you can do anything about.

For you, now, it's your choice and decision ..... and adopting/etc wouldn't be the same as they'd not have the same "vested interest" in caring about you in future times as there's no "blood tie" and sense of history/belonging.

So, I dunno .... but once it is "too late" expect to get these thoughts of "OMG ... it's just me".

You've no guarentee if you have children that they will help you out when you are older. Theres plenty of isolated older people who have children who are not bothered about them. Or they just do the bare minimum to save face.

greenval

Another one here who always knew that having children was not for me. I'm now 55 and don't regret it.

elsien

Coconut wrote: »

Hi,

So my question is for those of you who decided not to have children.. were you always 100% sure? Do you regret it? How do you really know if you want or not want to have them?

Having talked to a few friends about this - there's a lot of people who really aren't that sure about things either way. We assume that most people want children because it's the norm, but personally I think there's lots of people who just don't know. Some end up having children and it's ok, one person I know loves her child but still find it really hard and wishes they'd made a different choice.
More people seem to be ambivalent about it, and go with the stopping contraception to see what happens, although that's a bit different to you who's much more on the "no" side of things.


I supposed the closest way to thinking about it is can you imagine how you'd feel if you accidentally fell pregnant, have you had any scares along the line? Because if you're thinking !!!!!! have I done and are freaking out, then the answer is probably no you really don't want children. If you're closer to the "well, it's happened, it's not so disastrous, I can do this" then maybe further down the line you might have a few more regrets.
I think that's probably what I'm nearest to. I've never wanted children and won't have any now (although I'm not that anti as long as I can give them back after about a minute. Personally I'm also happier with a dog - you can put dogs in crates for a bit, but social services tend to frown on that sort of thing.) But although I'd not deliberately set out to conceive, if it had happened I'd have seriously considered going through with it, because it is different when it's your own. Or so I'm told by friends who were undecided to start with. But I've not had a partner who wanted children so it was never an issue for me anyway.

shiney85

I have a piece of school work from when I was aged 9, it was a "life contract" or something ridiculous, and at the top I had written "never have children"! Twenty years later I feel the same, I don't particularly like children, I can't stand most other people's, family I can tolerate, I'll even have a cuddle, but I don't know how to treat them, communicate, and I freak out when they cry, get hurt, get ill, are hyper, do anything other than be happy and still, lol!

Having children just because you think maybe, one day, you might possibly regret it, is risky. There are so many unwanted children in the world already, please don't make yours a potential addition to this group. I'm not saying you wouldn't love them, but you might resent them deep down, and they will know.

Whilst we're on the subject, why can't people accept it when you say you don't want children?! I'm still relatively young, but living with my OH (who feels exactly the same as me, phew), and we're certain. We will not be having kids. Family are fine with it, luckily, his Mum has three other kids, and my Mum feels the same as me about kids NOW she is older, luckily she was/is a wonderful mother, she just lacks the patience now! Friends, colleagues and people in general though, the grief I get! I just say, there are enough unwanted kiddies in the world, the world in general is stuffed (war, religion, global warming, potential for civil unrest even in the UK in years to come...I'm paranoid but don't want my offspring to face an awful future!) and as for caring for you when you're old....just because you have kids, doesn't mean they'll like you, or visit you. Harsh, but true.

whitewing

I have never felt maternal, so never had a longing for children. First one was an accident. Second one was planned but was mainly for my husband - he 'expected' to have children one day but would have been quite happy to not have had one of his own. Now she's here, he wouldn't have missed it for the world. He did announce the other day that he would still like another within 4 years, which was a surprise as I'd thought we had agreed no more.

I do love my children despite it being a 'decision' rather than deep longing.

Coconut_2

Many thanks to all for your replies. Apart from my confusion the other thing I'm finding difficult to handle is the guilt I feel for my partner.. I love him and I know he would love to have kids. He has a niece & a nephew who he adores and they adore him, but they live far and we don't see them much (I can't really spend much time with them..).


I know it's his decision to stay with me , he could walk away and find someone else, but still..


Also feel extremely guilty with my parents, who would love grandchildren, but I understand I'm the one who has to raise a kid, and I can't have a kid just to make them or my partner happy.


Still... the guilt kills me sometimes

SailorSam

I agree with Pastures. I love kids, i can't think of anything better than the days my little nieces were little and we'd go the baths or play in the park.
I'm 61 and have none of my own and wish i'd made different decisions when i could have married and had a family of my own.

CATS

Hi OP,

So I was always of the idea that I did not want children. I am not very maternal, children generally annoy me, I cant stand the crying and I just do not have the patience. However at a very young age I felt pregnant and did not want to have an abortion as I felt it was my responsibility as I had made the wrong decision. Anyway I had the baby and I tried my best to raise him well. He is now the love of my life and I could not live without him. HOWEVER, I still dislike children, I will never go through that again, I hated being pregnant, I hated the birth, I was terrified of my baby and to this day I have nightmares that I am pregnant again. Although I raised a lovely young man it was extremely hard, probably harder than if I had wanted children. He is an only child simply because I could not go through that again. If you feel that strongly I would advice that you did not have a child, when you are not maternal it takes all the dicipline in the world to raise a decent human being.