What's happening to me??

Coconut_2

Hi all,

I'm a 39 year old female, been in a relationship for > 6 years now, and recently I've been feeling like I've fallen "out" of love with my partner... we never argue, and there's nothing I dislike about him, but I can't shake off this feeling of something not being right, and I don't know what to do. I don't feel like being with him, or even sleeping in the same bed (he snores so I usually sleep in another room, at the beginning I felt lonely, but now I prefer it).

I know it's sad but I don't have any close friends to talk to, and I don't want to tell my mum either... so don't know who to turn to for advice...

I've only been in other 2 relationships before, one I was too young, and the other one lasted too long and ended badly. In that case I really didn't like the person my partner had turn into, so it ended.

We don't have kids (been trying for a while, but it hasn't happened). I'm terrified of losing everything, and I really don't want to start over again.(new house, new job, new life.. we work together by the way)

I just need to know if my relationship is really not working or this is somehow my problem.. I'm completely lost and confused.

Thanks a lot for reading me, any help is appreciated.

victory

Boredom? Same same? Seeing him too much with living and working together?

Does he know? Have you discussed anything with him?

fluffnutter

I think most people in long-term relationships experience a 'falling out of love' at some point. Hopefully it's replaced by something more lasting and permanent and you can move to a deeper sense of commitment and love. This can sometimes be accompanied by a niggle of boredom or ennui, or thinking 'is this it?'. All of this is natural; most of us can't spend our lives in a state of infatuation and, in fact, those that continually search for this tend to have short(ish), unfulfilling relationships because they can't move from 'being' in love to 'loving'.

Does this sound familiar or do you genuinely feel that you no longer connect on any level with your other half? Don't underestimate how much of a strain trying for a baby puts on your relationship. It can make or break it, quite honestly.

paulsad

Is he not aware of your feelings? He sounds a bit strange to me - I mean if it were me I'd want to know why you were unhappy I certainly wouldn't plod on day to day knowing something was wrong and not do anything.

victory

Also you might resent him for the snoring and not being able to sleep nightly with him? Giving you a feeling of love, comforts ?

Trying for a baby is hugely draining that can have a huge effect on a relationship

lazer

Coconut wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm a 39 year old female, been in a relationship for > 6 years now, and recently I've been feeling like I've fallen "out" of love with my partner... we never argue, and there's nothing I dislike about him, but I can't shake off this feeling of something not being right, and I don't know what to do. I don't feel like being with him, or even sleeping in the same bed (he snores so I usually sleep in another room, at the beginning I felt lonely, but now I prefer it).

I know it's sad but I don't have any close friends to talk to, and I don't want to tell my mum either... so don't know who to turn to for advice...

I've only been in other 2 relationships before, one I was too young, and the other one lasted too long and ended badly. In that case I really didn't like the person my partner had turn into, so it ended.

We don't have kids (been trying for a while, but it hasn't happened). I'm terrified of losing everything, and I really don't want to start over again.(new house, new job, new life.. we work together by the way)

I just need to know if my relationship is really not working or this is somehow my problem.. I'm completely lost and confused.

Thanks a lot for reading me, any help is appreciated.

As you having been trying for a baby - this could be quite stressful for you and all your attention could be focused on this, and you could simply not be seeing your relationship in the same light as you had imagined by this stage there would be a child in the relationship as well.

Its understandable you are feeling like this and all relationships have ups and downs, and the best way to work through them is to communicate.

Take some time to simply chat to your partner and enjoy each others company - go for a walk, make a nice dinner etc. Set some time aside just for the 2 of you to be together.

Would you consider conselling?

Tiddlywinks

paulsad wrote: »

Is he not aware of your feelings? He sounds a bit strange to me - I mean if it were me I'd want to know why you were unhappy I certainly wouldn't plod on day to day knowing something was wrong and not do anything.

Oh come on... let's not go blaming the bloke for this until we know a bit more.

Maybe he tries to show affection and OP pulls away? Maybe he senses something is wrong but is scared to rock the boat?

OP - if you've been trying for a baby so recently, surely there must still be something between you?

Could it be the stress of trying and not getting pregnant? Could it be that time in life that we all reach where we look at what we've achieved and feel a little disappointed that it isn't quite picture perfect?

Could all of life's stresses be impacting on how you feel?

If he didn't come home today - how would you feel? Would you worry about him? Feel scared, relieved?

I guess what I'm asking is... is it him or is it life in general?

podperson

I think it's normal to feel a bit like this after being in a relationship for so long. There's a feeling of plodding along, maybe being in a bit of a rut. Relationships do evolve and it's not going to be the same as it was when you first got together. Have you tried doing things to re-connect with him - going out on 'date nights', maybe taking up a new hobby together or just making sure you spend quality time together - ie, not working, not vegged in front of the tv, not in different rooms doing your own things, etc.

Also it does perhaps sound as though your life may be rather revolving around him at the moment - you work together, you live together, you're trying for a baby. Is it possible there's a little bit of resentment coming from that? Could you look at getting out sometimes just you - maybe join a new group/club, take a class etc, this would get you meeting new people and give you more of an identity away from the home and being in a 'couple'. If you had a bit of space as well then you might find yourself wanting to spend time with him more - whereas if you're together all the time then all the little things can end up driving you mad!

As an extra, this may sound a little harsh but I do think you should be talking to him about it and perhaps putting the baby making on the back burner for a little bit while you sort out whether you want to stay with him. It's not very fair on him (or any of you really!) if he has no idea about how you feel to be blissfully trying for a baby only for you to decide maybe a year down the line that you don't want to stay with him and leave with baby in tow.

Coconut_2

Thanks for your replies, they are really helpful.

No, I haven't talked to him yet... I've thought about doing it, but I'm scared of hurting him.. I put myself in his place and think how I would feel if my partner tells me he's unsure of his feelings and our relationship.. I would be really scared. This is the only reason I haven't done it.

I don't feel tying for a baby is stressing us, we've both reached an age where we thought "now or never", but both not feeling sure if we want kids.. (personally I don't have a clue, someone advised to leave it to fate, and this is what I'm doing). Every month when it doesn't happen I feel 50% relief and 50% dissapointment... so I've no idea.

I don't want to do counselling, at least not together... I just don't see that working.

I do have a social life (he's not very social, which I don't mind), I do go out with friends (none close enough though..), but to be honest I feel i could fall for someone else very easily.. and this scares me. I do feel i have a need of romance or passion in my life, which we don't have.

Errata

You don't feel like being with him but you're trying for a baby with him? Why?

NAR

1. You feel you are in a rut because there is no spark in your relationship. The only way to change that is to sit and talk with him. You need to explain how you feel; maybe he feels the same way for all you know. You need to work out what will improve your relationship together.

2. A big factor everyone seems to have missed. You are approaching 40, are you feeling you haven't achieved what you had hoped to by this age. Are you concerned about "growing old?"