What's happening to me??

FBaby

I think before you take any actions, starting with talking to him, you're going to have to question yourself intensively to understand why you feel the way you do and what YOU can do about it. You can't either expect lifelong commitment from him and have a family with him when you feel that you could walk from him today, or can you decide to give everything up when you don't even know what is wrong.

You seem incredibly indecisive, waiting for fate to make decisions for you, yet because of your lack of motivation, end up feeling blah about your feelings.

In the end, if you are falling out of love for him, there has to be a reason, you just need to figure out what it is. Are you suddenly not attracted to him physically, some aspect of his personality is now irritating or disappointing you, you are bored, expecting him to make more effort even though you are not making any yourself? Are you both living separate lives to an extent that you are starting to find his presence as a weight?

No matter what you do, make sure you don't rush decisions. There have posts here of people deciding to break up with their long term partners without a good reason and then seriously regretting, only realising afterwards that what they had wasn't so bad.

Coconut_2

FBaby, I don't seem incredible indecisive, I AM incredible indecisive.. nothing I can do about that. I just don't know what I want, I've never known...

I won't rush any decisions, my biggest fear is regretting it, because I do think we have a good relationship, I just don't know why I feel the way I feel...

And victory, he's not married, never been. He says he does not believe in marriage. Not with me, not with anyone...

Gra76

Coconut, I'm not many years behind you (37 later this year) and I've recently been in exactly the same situation in terms of thinking I'd hit rock bottom in my marriage. The only problem was my wife didn't see it the same way.

I ended up sitting her down and talking to her about it as I was getting to the point where I'd considered moving out. I still love her, but in the last year or so it's felt like we've been friends more than we've been married. I told her this and although it upset her at the time things have taken a huge upturn since, well they have for the last few weeks at least. If they continue I'll be more than happy.

You really need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. How can he possibly change anything if he doesn't know it needs changing?

view

You know, I think many people may read your posts and see bits and pieces of current/past relationships too. So, the first thing to know is that you are not alone by any stretch and there is nothing 'wrong' with you, emotions and relationships are topsy turvy upside down and somone a long time ago lost the manual so we're all stuffed ;-)

I think, grab a cuppa, sit down in a space by yourself with no interruptions and write down on one piece of paper what you do like/love about him and on another the cons. Write down anything, it doesn't matter if a pro is his cute left ear and a con is an old t-shirt he wears. Get it all down out of your head and onto a piece of paper.

You don't need to show anyone this, not him, not your mum...no-one. It's just to get your thoughts straight. You can also do this about different areas in your life - that may very well be having an impact.

Once you write the list, put it safely away and leave it for a day, and then go back. Re-read, is there anything to change, add, remove? Do you still feel this way? If one list is much bigger and longer than than the other, then I think you know what you need to do. Imagine a ten year older you still thinking the same thoughts... what would they be saying to you now?

By saying that you think you're not good enough for him is just plain silly, sorry but it is! He's with you and obviously wanting to stay with you and have a child... what more do you need! Some people just aren't into marriage, and some people who are married don't take committment seriously so just depends on the person.

As others have mentioned, you need ot have this talk. You don't need to start off with . I can't do this or I need to go.. you can ask him if he feels any differently and then gently tell him you do. Start off very gently and see where the chat leads.

Nar is right, you are approaching 40. This age, I've seen in many a friend and felt it myself, is a bit scary leading up to, maybe the new mid-life crisis! You look around, think what have I achieved? Seems those who are childless (not by choice) see to feel this more in my experience. This may be having a big impact too - thus I mentioned you should write down the pros and cons in other areas of life. You could be a little depressed also, which won't help I know.

I think you need to just be kind to yourself and be brave. Choices aren't easy in life.

The 'spark' can go out of most relationships, but as someone mentioned above it can be replaced with a more comfortable, deeper love. I have felt this myself and thought it very weird at the time and wondered many of the same things you do, however, I came to realise that it's a different stage. A stronger, more powerful one in my opinion. My husband and I are very good friends, each other's best friends I would say, and I could not ask for more to be sharing my life with someone like that. It's love, Jim, but not as we know it! ;-)

But firstly, you must have that (gentle) chat... find the words. If you don't you'll end up feeling worse and worse and the pebble on your shoulder will turn into an elephant.

Alll the best x and sorry for the monologue!

victory

Gra76 wrote: »

Coconut, I'm not many years behind you (37 later this year) and I've recently been in exactly the same situation in terms of thinking I'd hit rock bottom in my marriage. The only problem was my wife didn't see it the same way.

I ended up sitting her down and talking to her about it as I was getting to the point where I'd considered moving out. I still love her, but in the last year or so it's felt like we've been friends more than we've been married. I told her this and although it upset her at the time things have taken a huge upturn since, well they have for the last few weeks at least. If they continue I'll be more than happy.

You really need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. How can he possibly change anything if he doesn't know it needs changing?

Hum reading into this post too much perhaps but you will be more than happy? It takes two , how does your wife feel?

Possibly change? Why should he have to? Why should your wife have to?

Pee

How long have you been feeling like this? I find that I can feel closer my OH at different times of the month almost irrespective of anything he might have said or done, sometimes I really want to be with him, sometimes I feel more independent. I just know that this is natural and changes. If it's been weeks rather than days then that isn't it, but it may be worth considering.

If you want more romance or passion, then you need to tell him and organise what you want. If he won't go along with it, you have a problem, but maybe a regular date night would work. If you organise a couple it can then be his turn, and be receptive and appreciative. (My OH hates organising stuff, which is fine, I love it, because his ex would say she wanted to do something and then criticise whatever he suggested, but he is starting to suggest stuff more now. One thing we like to do is take a bottle of bubbly to a scenic view close where we live and share it, this weather we go in the car, have a glass each and drink the rest at home. He will often suggest this now. It just means we talk, appreciate where we live... is there something like this that you could do? Hot chocolate might work better this weather!)

BugglyB

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I dont know that talking to him is the best idea. What are you going to say, "I'm kind of unhappy and bored, and I can't quite put my finger on why, I think it might be you, but I can't tell you why or what you can do to make it better" - a cruel and unhelpful message to put across to someone. I agree not to say "nothing" when he asks what is wrong - by all means tell him you are feeling low and you're not sure why. But don’t tell him you're trying to decide whether to leave him or not.

Sometimes in life its easy to look at the person closest to us and blame them for where we are and what we're doing. Do you fantasize about what you would be doing if you weren't with him? do you feel held back by him? is that realistic or do you hold yourself back too?

I feel for you coconut. Its horrid feeling down and unsure about things. Hugs for you x

fluffnutter

Perhaps deep down you wonder whether this relationship has a future, coconut.

You're struggling to have kids, he won't marry you (despite your wanting to get married one day). They're both deal breakers for me personally. I'm not surprised you think you're just drifting along, you are. That's not to say that relationships without marriage and kids don't work - they do, but only if that's what both partners want. If you want more, then you're always going to feel that this relationship's stagnating in some way.

That's how I'd feel if I were you, anyway.

belfastgirl23

This is a normal thing in a very long term relationship. In fact the term seven year itch isn't just a cliche, it's the time that the new fangledness wears off and the long term settling in hasn't happened.

I find when I'm feeling like this, a good way to start the conversation is to say that I'm feeling we are a bit disconnected. Non judgemental and leaves an opening for DH to acknowledge this too. Then we try to figure out what to do about it together. Often a good time for this talk is when driving. You do need to talk to him about it but it doesn't have to be a row . It is helpful to have some ideas about how to move forward yourself though!

Coconut_2

Thanks for all your views, BugglyB has expressed exactly my fears about the talking.. as that's more or less what I would say and I can't really see what he can do to change things. This is none of his fault, there's nothing about him I would change. This is all about me.

It seems to be the best thing to do anyway, just being careful with my words.

Will let you all know how it goes, when I find the moment to do it.

Thanks again