What's happening to me??

fluffnutter

Coconut wrote: »

I don't think he's miserable, and I do think he's in for a life commitment (he won't get married though, but this is a different story I guess). He feels something's wrong and asks a lot... but I do find difficult to talk, this is just is too big to bring it up while watching tv or having dinner or in a public place.. just haven't found the moment.

Just try. There's never a perfect moment. The next time he asks, don't automatically say 'I'm fine' or whatever, just say 'Actually, I don't think I'm very happy. Can we talk about it?' and take it from there. You don't have to have a speech prepared, you just have to say those first words 'I'm not happy'.

Out of interest, do you want to get married one day? Not necessarily to him, but is it something you always hoped you'd do?

arbroath_lass

paulsad wrote: »

They are in separate beds already for kryssakes - if he's not at least a bit concerned by doing something about his snoring then he sounds at the very least a bit slow on the uptake ...

Has the OP said he's done nothing about his snoring? There generally aren't any instant solutions.

And there isn't actually anything wrong with seperate beds. Many relationships thrive with sleeping apart. It depends on the couple.

Coconut_2

I don't think his snoring plays a big part on this, sorry. He's tried different things (doctors, specialists, sprays, gadgets..), nothing has worked. I don't want him to have an operation, doesn't seem fair and I've investigated enough to know it's not a permanent solution anyway. (plenty of threads on this forum..)

I'd like to get married one day (not interested on a wedding, just on the commitment, wouldn't want a party, dress or anything like that). I think the problem with this is that I feel i'm not good enough for him, not matter how many times he tells me this is not the case... there's a part of me thinking he doesn't want to get married to ME, because I'm not good enough, this does upset me a lot, but not sure how it relates to my feelings of things not working.

Sorry, i think i'm making my story more and more complicated! Thanks all for reading.

VestanPance

Coconut wrote: »

He feels something's wrong and asks a lot... but I do find difficult to talk

On behalf of the men on planet earth I please ask you to just talk with him.

There's nothing worse than the "What's up?", "Nothing" scenario when it's clear something is up. We men have no subtle understandings, no intuition, no special powers. We need it spelled out to us in black and white.

peace-babies

Coconut, Do try and talk to him now no matter how difficult it might feel, my boyfriend broke up with me last year as he too felt similar to you although was a lot further down the line.
Whilst I had a slight niggle something wasnt right at the time (and hindsight being a wonderful thing can see it now) I didnt say anything as he was quite difficult to talk about these things with.
He let his feelings stew for so long the relationship was irretravble and caused a lot more harm and upset not saying anything until it got on top of him than it would have done had he said something when he first noticed it (he has since said he recognised it and had he have said something all the little annoying things I did that previously went un-noticed or ignored brewwed into massive things that showed him just how much he didn't want to be with me). If he had of said something at the time we could have worked through it together to see whether or not it was worth saving.
I can't imagine the conversation is going to be easy but you do need work out if you do both want to be in the relationship still but if you don't get it out now so to speak it could have the potential to completly damage a saveable relationship that's just gone a bit stale if that makes sense?

Lunar_Eclipse

The other thing that jumped out at me is the emotional separation you might be feeling, due to sleeping in separate beds/rooms. This could have caused a gradual distance. A huge part of me feeling 'connected' to my husband is the physical closeness we have in a shared bed.

Just thought I'd mention it because I can imagine how easy it would be to start feeling more like friends than lovers, being in separate bedrooms. If you've read or heard of the Five Love Languages, touch is at the top of the list for DH & I, so I know I'd start to feel 'uncomfortable' (disconnected is how I really feel) if we didn't have our nightly cuddle before sleep.

Tiddlywinks

paulsad wrote: »

They are in separate beds already for kryssakes - if he's not at least a bit concerned by doing something about his snoring then he sounds at the very least a bit slow on the uptake ...

... and yet they're trying for a baby - what does he take from that?

Snoring? That's the least of the problems, don't you think?

GlynD

Regarding the snoring: this is sometimes linked to sleep apnoea. It was in my case. I asked my GP for a referral to ENT and they sent me to a specialist sleep clinic who did a very easy test by providing me with a finger sleeve connected to a monitor for one night. I now wear a mask which bnlows air into my mouth and nose while I sleep and hey presto - no more snoring and a much better quality sleep.

Get your husband to try it. Get you two back in bed and rekindle the closeness you used to have.

You've got to work at a relationship or it won't work for you - same goes for him, he's got to make changes to suit you.

victory

VestanPance wrote: »

On behalf of the men on planet earth I please ask you to just talk with him.

There's nothing worse than the "What's up?", "Nothing" scenario when it's clear something is up. We men have no subtle understandings, no intuition, no special powers. We need it spelled out to us in black and white.

You can't handle the truth (quote from famous film) :rotfl:

victory

Coconut wrote: »

I don't think he's miserable, and I do think he's in for a life commitment (he won't get married though, but this is a different story I guess). He feels something's wrong and asks a lot... but I do find difficult to talk, this is just is too big to bring it up while watching tv or having dinner or in a public place.. just haven't found the moment.

About counselling some years ago I had a bad experience with relate (I went on my own as I had some personal issues), so I wouldn't go back there. I'm sure it helps other people, but not me.

You don't think? So you're assuming? Assumptions cause communication breakdown, you feel lonely, isolated, which will make one or both of you withdraw.... No relationship.

Won't get married? Why? Is he already married?

Wants a baby? Is that you or you and him? Are you both wanting?

Do you feel lonely sleeping alone?

Ok counselling online then? CBT for dummies, buy the book from amazon do it yourself