What's happening to me??

victory

Coconut wrote: »

Thanks for your replies, they are really helpful.

No, I haven't talked to him yet... I've thought about doing it, but I'm scared of hurting him.. I put myself in his place and think how I would feel if my partner tells me he's unsure of his feelings and our relationship.. I would be really scared. This is the only reason I haven't done it.

I don't feel tying for a baby is stressing us, we've both reached an age where we thought "now or never", but both not feeling sure if we want kids.. (personally I don't have a clue, someone advised to leave it to fate, and this is what I'm doing). Every month when it doesn't happen I feel 50% relief and 50% dissapointment... so I've no idea.

I don't want to do counselling, at least not together... I just don't see that working.

I do have a social life (he's not very social, which I don't mind), I do go out with friends (none close enough though..), but to be honest I feel i could fall for someone else very easily.. and this scares me. I do feel i have a need of romance or passion in my life, which we don't have.

STOP. Lack of communication is a relationship destroyer.

Write the pros and cons list, you say you don't dislike him, he doesn't irritate you, you love him , work on the positives.

You may not want to tell him your exact feelings, so you want passion, romance? Fine, book a trip to Paris, tell him after you have sorted it, get some theatre tickets, buy a red letter day, whatever you want.

He is not telepathic, you want it, make it come true, slowly make time for each other, go sledging , trip to the cinema, dinner out, it doesn't have to be down to him.

victory

Also find yourself a hobby, you go out, you find something that makes you happy and brings with it a self confidence boost and increases your self esteem, if you feel doom and gloom you portray that.

Pick yourself up, put yourself first, whatever you are missing within your relationship can come back if you see it in a positive way.

Coconut_2

Errata wrote: »

You don't feel like being with him but you're trying for a baby with him? Why?

Because he would be the best dad I've ever known, and as I said.. it's now or never. (probably never as things are going, can't really decide how I feel about this). Of course I worry about growing old, don't we all?

Will definetely talk to him, I do feel we don't communicate enough, and it's my fault as I don't feel comfortable talking to him, not sure why.

I don't blame him for anything at all, this is all my fault and I would do anything to fix it, just not sure what.

My biggest question is if it's over or not, that's why I wrote here as I thought other people's experiences might help me to understand.

Person_one

Don't dismiss or underestimate counselling. It helps thousands and thousands of people in all situations. I'd give relate a try on your own, if you feel its helpful you can carry on and if not don't.

fluffnutter

Coconut wrote: »

My biggest question is if it's over or not,

You won't know until you start talking to him, lovey. You might find he's as miserable as you are. You might discover that both of you desperately want things to change, yet don't know how to reach out to one another. If you don't communicate in a relationship, it will falter.

VestanPance

You really need to talk with this guy.

You say you don't want to hurt him. Well I'd say he'd be very hurt to think that the person he is trying to have a child with bottled up their feelings and ended up resenting him because she wouldn't talk with him.

As a man that would hurt me more as it would leave me wondering why we were trying for a family if she felt this way, and even more so wondering if she thought I was some sort of monster because she wouldn't talk with me about something so important.

VestanPance

fluffnutter wrote: »

You won't know until you start talking to him, lovey. You might find he's as miserable as you are. You might discover that both of you desperately want things to change, yet don't know how to reach out to one another. If you don't communicate in a relationship, it will falter.

I can't speak for women folk, but I've never in my life met a guy who was openly trying for a child with his partner with anything less than life commitment in mind. Based on the OP's story I'd be fully expecting utter shock from him at this revelation.

fluffnutter

VestanPance wrote: »

I can't speak for women folk, but I've never in my life met a guy who was openly trying for a child with his partner with anything less than life commitment in mind. Based on the OP's story I'd be fully expecting utter shock from him at this revelation.

I meant he might be miserable because things seem difficult or that the magic's gone, not that he wants things to be over.

paulsad

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Oh come on... let's not go blaming the bloke for this until we know a bit more.

Maybe he tries to show affection and OP pulls away? Maybe he senses something is wrong but is scared to rock the boat?

OP - if you've been trying for a baby so recently, surely there must still be something between you?

Could it be the stress of trying and not getting pregnant? Could it be that time in life that we all reach where we look at what we've achieved and feel a little disappointed that it isn't quite picture perfect?

Could all of life's stresses be impacting on how you feel?

If he didn't come home today - how would you feel? Would you worry about him? Feel scared, relieved?

I guess what I'm asking is... is it him or is it life in general?

They are in separate beds already for kryssakes - if he's not at least a bit concerned by doing something about his snoring then he sounds at the very least a bit slow on the uptake ...

Coconut_2

I don't think he's miserable, and I do think he's in for a life commitment (he won't get married though, but this is a different story I guess). He feels something's wrong and asks a lot... but I do find difficult to talk, this is just is too big to bring it up while watching tv or having dinner or in a public place.. just haven't found the moment.

About counselling some years ago I had a bad experience with relate (I went on my own as I had some personal issues), so I wouldn't go back there. I'm sure it helps other people, but not me.