Is it right that my BF wont pay for anything?

BigAunty

bristol_pilot wrote: »

If you accept any money from him at all, he may have a potential claim on part of your house. That £500 may be for groceries, but you would have a hard time proving that some of it didn't go towards the mortgage or home improvements. I'd see a solicitor and get a 'living together agreement' drawn up PDQ if I were you.

The housing forum also has masses of posts on this issue from people co-habiting so the OP could unearth some advice on best practice there to ensure that the partner isn't in the position to demonstrate an interest in the property.

I find it really bizarre that the OPs partner will not pay anything other than a single lump sum each month, not contributing towards the dogs, social expenses and so on. I think the partner has got very comfy at being part subsidised and will resist change.

They already get 'defensive', according to the OP, so it is evidentally their strategy to be unapproachable on these matters which is why the OP has to be firm and tell them that they don't care if it is a sensitive matter, the status quo is not acceptable to them. There's a saying along the lines of 'no-one can oppress you without your consent' which is perhaps a nice way of saying that there's no need to enable exploitation.

The OP also needs to pursue the reason behind their quite furtive behaviour too, to understand if there is any addiction, debts or infidelity.

However, the level of selfishness and doubt in the relationship, the poor basic behaviour of the partner, makes me want to ask the OP what exactly they are getting out of the relationship and where it is going. Does he make your heart sing? Would he make a great father (to any woman)? Can you see yourself growing old together? Is the sex great? Do you admire them and find it easy to define their positive qualities? Do they make you feel special, adored and treasured?

Because otherwise you are just drifting and rubbing along because its the easiest option, the path of least resistence, better than being alone. It is easy to identify when you fall in love but much harder to identify when you've fallen out of it, when you've taken the 'off ramp'.

Indie_Kid

millysg1 wrote: »

in my opinion he should be paying rent. Doesnt matter if you own it and are paying a mortgage off or not. If he lived with a friend or his own place he would pay rent. Why because he is living with his girlfriend should he not pay rent?
Yes, she may be pocketing out of him payiing a small amount of rent but he isal saving a lot more by not paying the usual amount of rent somewhere else. I think he is the one winning out here.

er, the £500 per month is rent.

bristol_pilot

Indie_Kid wrote: »

er, the £500 per month is rent.

It's buying the fellow half a house, lucky chap.

Mojisola

Indie_Kid wrote: »

er, the £500 per month is rent.

I understood it to be for half the bills.

bristol_pilot

That's the OP's understanding too, but a court may hand him half the house if they split.

burnoutbabe

Thats why she should make it very clear that its a value based on 50% of bills that can be traced back to the actual costs.

I didn't charge my OH when he moved in - why make him pay "rent" when it cost me nothing for him to move in. And it makes it simpler as no risk he would claim anything off me. Also, he does save the money he would have paid so we can have a joint place in the future.

In no circs would the court hand a live in lover of a few years "half the house" - at most it would be some proportion of the rise between moving in and moving out. Which would hardly be half of it all.

Mojisola

https://www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together// has lots of useful info, including a Living Together Agreement.

Kathy535

Just a thought, my (now) DH was like this, when I mentioned it to him directly instead of bad tempered hinting he was surprised having thought that as I'd not directly asked then I wasn't needing him to contribute. Sounds dodgy but he really is that obtuse and really doesn't notice even unsubtle hints. We went through the bills and got it all sorted but I still have to stop and think whether I need to take a more direct approach when I want to get something sorted (eg do the hoovering rather than pointing out how much it needs doing), even though I think he should be more aware!

sacha28

There are some interesting replies in this thread, lots to think about for the OP.

I have to say it does sound like your OH is being financially abusive, you clearly know the signs of an abusive relationship which is probably why you alarms are sounding!!

Along the same(ish) vain maybe you could try something like I did with my ex (who was financially, mentally and emotionally abusive)......I was working 3 jobs, he worked none (I had no access to our 'joint' account) and yet I had to somehow find the time to do all the cooking, washing, cleaning etc. We had many 'discussions' surrounding this and I said I felt it unfair that I had to do all the housework in the hour between jobs but he said he was 'too busy' (in the same way that your OH 'can't afford' going out etc).

So I went on strike.........I cooked for myself, I washed my own clothes, I washed up whatever plates etc I had used on MY dinner. Anything relating to him was left.....and left....and left......until he ran out of clean clothes and was starving and I came home to a pasta bake and sparkling kitchen!!!

What I'm saying is if you want a takeaway go get one.....but only for you. Tell him you only had enough money for your own takeaway. Go to the pub with a friend, tell him you only have enough money for a couple of vinos for you.

Fight fire with fire sweet and listen to those alarms.......survivors of abuse only have their instincts to go by xx

GobbledyGook

No matter the rights and wrongs of the cash issue it is wrong that you are unable to speak to him about it because you fear him getting defensive and see voicing your opinion as 'rocking the boat'.