Is it right that my BF wont pay for anything?

Melaniep101

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

The £500 isn't rent though, it's just bills.

So does he pay rent to the OP as well?

Mojisola

Melaniep101 wrote: »

So does he pay rent to the OP as well?

If he pays rent or anything towards the mortgage, he could build up a "beneficial interest" in the property.

Person_one

Melaniep101 wrote: »

So does he pay rent to the OP as well?

No, because the OP owns the property, and you can't class somebody as a lodger if you share your bed with them!

I'm not as quick as others to decide this guy must be sponging. I think you need to have a good talk where you're both completely open and finances and expectations and hash it all out. Really, you should have done that before moving in together rather than just plucking a figure out of the air and hoping for the best.

Melaniep101

Mojisola wrote: »

If he pays rent or anything towards the mortgage, he could build up a "beneficial interest" in the property.

Ahh I see.

Even if he just pays for "Bills", he'd still be hard pushed to find an alternative place to live for £500 all in. So with that in mind, it's hardly fair that the OP should be expected to pay for meals,takeaways, vet bills etc...

LeeLoo_2

Melaniep101 wrote: »

Ahh I see.

Even if he just pays for "Bills", he'd still be hard pushed to find an alternative place to live for £500 all in. So with that in mind, it's hardly fair that the OP should be expected to pay for meals,takeaways, vet bills etc...

That's the dilemma -
You don't want him to be paying rent/mortgage and then claim a share of your property when you break-up in four years.
HOWEVER - Depending on where you live in the country, as has been said before, 100 per week will get you a grotty room in some shared house. He would still need to pay bills and still buy food then cook it in a kitchen which may have a dirty messy person who steals food.

Instead he gets to live in your nice house in your nice area. Sharing the bathroom with only you, getting meals cooked for him and other home comforts.

Say he earns £1,500 per month, basically he has £1000 spending money every month unlike normal people who have to pay rent/mortgage, bills, etc.

Are you his mum to be helping him pay off debts that you did not help build up. What is he doing with his spare money.

This guy is taking the mick.

barbiedoll

He sounds like my sister's ex-boyfriend. He had built up a lot of debts during his years with his ex (goodness knows how, she had a HA property, a disabled kid and oodles of cash and a free car from the state who thought she was a "single" parent :mad:)

Him and my sis rented a flat cheaply from a mate of his, he paid the rent (around £500 month) and my sis paid for everything else. Including his car tax and insurance, his mobile bill (new phones on expensive contracts), broadband, food, and all bills. When I asked her why she was forking out a fortune each month for his expenses, she said that he was working hard to pay off his debts and that they would be able to buy a place when he was debt-free.

Of course, as soon as his debts were paid, he kicked my sis out, he's now [STRIKE]sponging off of[/STRIKE] living with another woman who is years older than him, and who has several kids by someone else. She also has a HA property (rent paid by the state as she doesn't work.) The mate who rented them the flat told my sis that he has already bought a new car on his credit card so it sounds like he's building up even more debt.

OP, you need to find out why he can't afford to pay for his own dog's vet treatment. Or for a takeaway. If he thinks that you are bleeding him dry, let him show you the figures. And where is the rest of his money going? Are you sure that the credit card is his only debt?

Good luck, it sounds as though you're going to need it.

sulphate

Perhaps he just doesn't realise how much household expenses are. Or perhaps he's a !!!!!!!!!!. You won't get a better idea until you talk to him about it.

So you put a little more into the bill pot than he does, IMO he should be putting at least equal in as he earns more than you and doesn't have a mortgage to pay. So that's the first thing. Tell him that your household bills total £1100 a month and you therefore need £550 from him instead of £500 in future. If he doesn't want to pay it, tell him nicely that instead you will need to reduce the joint bills expenditure to £1000 a month. This may mean spending £100 less on food - as someone else has said, £600 a month on food is excessive. Husband and I spend £150 a month on food!

Then, you need to break it to him that because you have a mortgage to pay on top, and you earn less than he does, you will not pay the full amount for any takeaways, days out, treats etc and you will expect him to pay half in future. If he moans about that, tell him that if he's not going to pay half you simply won't be getting takeaways anymore because you can't afford to stump up the full amount.

Next time the dog has to go to the vet, tell him that he needs to take him/her and you will transfer half the bill to his account later. If he moans about that, reiterate that you simply cannot afford to pay all the vet bills and unless he pays at least half in future you will have to reconsider having the dog (in YOUR house) at all.

That should make him sit up. You'll then get a better idea of his intentions. If he still kicks up a fuss about it you need to break it to him that, considering:
- he earns more than you do,
- you pay the mortgage by yourself,
- you have not made a lifelong commitment to him and had not agreed to subsidise him when you moved in together,
you do not see a future in this relationship anymore and are not prepared to subsidise him any longer, and he should make plans to find somewhere else to live.

edit: apparently fre3l0ader is a banned word. Odd.

millysg1

in my opinion he should be paying rent. Doesnt matter if you own it and are paying a mortgage off or not. If he lived with a friend or his own place he would pay rent. Why because he is living with his girlfriend should he not pay rent?
Yes, she may be pocketing out of him payiing a small amount of rent but he isal saving a lot more by not paying the usual amount of rent somewhere else. I think he is the one winning out here.

BigAunty

I don't think you are necessarily 'over thinking' about potential abuse - according to the womens aid website, most abuse starts quite awhile after the relationship is established. There is seemingly a positive start (perhaps an element of grooming until their feet are well under the table.).

What strikes me about threads on this forum about actually abusive relationships is the very common theme of how the partner (usually male) is very stingy,and/or debt prone, and/or financially exploits the female. It is usually quite striking how the majority of the household expenses are paid by the female while the majority of the disposable income is spent on the male.

For example, some women report how their husbands force, encourage or trick them to take out joint loans which they then refuse to contribute towards or make them pay their wages into a bank account that they have little access to.

Along with this financial abuse, the abuser typically prioritises their own time, hobbies, interests and social life and also does little around the house.

However, financial exploitation is only ever one part of a truly abusive relationship which has other nasty and controlling behaviour, such as disrespect, criticism, deliberately making them socially isolated, monitoring where they go, etc.

So you are either at the start of a potentially abusive relationship where each month or year, there is greater control and intimidation and exploitation or you might simply be in a grossly disadvantaged one, one where the power relationship is imbalanced, in his favour and one that he naturally feels entitled to, that its his right and privilege to have the advantages.

You have stated that he goes on the defensive whenever you raise the unequal finances. I suggest that you become persistent, firm and even issue a clear statement on what his greater contribution should be and consider the outcome, the decision you will make, if he continues to sabotage your desires for a more equal partnership.

One common theme from the actual abusive relationships on this forum is how persistent the abuser is about refusing to see the inequalities, how they fail to change (even if they make promises), how they frustrate change by getting angry, blaming the issues on the victim, issuing threats, trying to cause confusion.

bristol_pilot

If you accept any money from him at all, he may have a potential claim on part of your house. That £500 may be for groceries, but you would have a hard time proving that some of it didn't go towards the mortgage or home improvements. I'd see a solicitor and get a 'living together agreement' drawn up PDQ if I were you.