My Ex hubby & father to my child won't give me his new address

Big_Tree

duchy wrote: »

Depends what they are "anxious" about.
You've missed the point however that it is the child that comes first and this situation is about removing them from a familiar environment to an unfamiliar environment. Just because Dad says a child will be happy,safe and settled at Dad's new place doesn't make it a given.

The implication in this post is the child should not be taken to 'an unfamiliar environment' despite assurances from the father.

The location means nothing, it's the time spent with each other that is important. The presence of the Father is enough to make the child feel safe and secure.

BigJockKnew wrote: »

So an unfamiliar environment trumps a relationship with their father?

Have you always had such a disregard for the fathers role in bringing up a child?

I take it you never take your children holiday for fear of exposing them to an unfamiliar environment, or is an unfamiliar environment ok as long as the mother is there?

The holiday question was to highlight the 'unfamiliar place' point you made. It could have been a park or supermarket the child hasn't been to, the point remains the same.

The fact that the Father is there is enough to make the child feel safe and secure, the only people who would not understand this point are people who sadly didn't have a father growing up. When I was a child I never felt more safe than when I was with my father, no matter the place.

You didn't seem to grasp the point I was making, instead you fixated on the holiday aspect of the question instead of the unfamiliar place aspect.

I was hasty to ask if you had contempt for the fathers relationship, I re-read your post and I was mistaken.

Mojisola

jaylee3 wrote: »

I don't know what his reasons are for refusing to give the OP his new address, but I would be very wary about letting any child go off with ANYone, if I didn't know where they were. I can't believe anyone would think any different. How can anyone let their child go off not knowing where they are?

Apart from it not being legally required, the point is that having an address is meaningless.

If he gives an address, is the OP going to sit outside and check that he is actually living there?

If he gives an address, is she going to follow him when he has their child to make sure that they stay at that address?

As per advice in the other post - the OP needs to get good legal advice and not be distracted by the power games her ex is playing.

GobbledyGook

It sounds like he's saying he's not giving you it because he knows it'll annoy and worry you.

If you have genuine concern for your daughter when she is in the care of her father then the address issue is a red herring because knowing where he calls home isn't going to solve any of them.

If you don't have concerns over his care of your daughter then shrug it off as the attempt at bugging you that it clearly is.

Get your access sorted out properly if you think this is something he may use. Speak to a solicitor and get a proper plan in place so that you are legally recognised as the resident parent. Knowing his address won't help return her if he doesn't bring her back - without a residence order there is no official RP and they wont' get involved unless the child is in danger. You'd have to go for an emergency/urgent court hearing to have her returned to you.

The school doesn't need to know his address. If an NRP provides them with their address they are obliged to send copies of letters/reports etc. However, that's not something for you to organise on his behalf. If he wants that he can contact the school himself.

duchy

BigJockKnew wrote: »

The fact that the Father is there is enough to make the child feel safe and secure, the only people who would not understand this point are people who sadly didn't have a father growing up. When I was a child I never felt more safe than when I was with my father, no matter the place.



I was hasty to ask if you had contempt for the fathers relationship, I re-read your post and I was mistaken.

Then you were fortunate
If all child felt safe and secure when with their fathers many posts here wouldn't exist but sadly many children don't - they experience neglect, abuse or just plain old disinterest. The presence of a father isn't going to guarantee a father has the qualities you are assuming all fathers have and demonstrate to their children .............unfortunately
Anyone can be a Father.....to be a good Dad takes a bit more

barbiedoll

FatVonD wrote: »

OP, in my opinion and in light of your other thread the most likely scenarios for him refusing to give you his address are:

1. He's using it as another tool to get you to part with the money for the car.

2. He won't tell you where he's living because he's shacked up with or intends to shack up with the woman he was texting.

3. A combination of the two.

I think number 2 is highly likely and the money he wants from you is either for them to set up house together somewhere or they are already living together and the money from the car will be spent on them living the high life together on your money while you're left in debt.

I'm not saying this to be hurtful but in the hope that you will open your eyes and not hand the money to him. Use your hurt and anger to protect your own position.

Regarding your daughter, if he's telling you he has no place to live then could he see her at your house and you go out? (By which I mean you really DO need to go out and not use the visits as an excuse to see him.)

^^^ This...

He's obviously got something to hide, why on earth would he need to hide his address from his ex otherwise? (Unless OP is stalking him?)

When my ex-husband and I split up, he tried to hide the fact that he was seeing one of his ex-girlfriends, despite going on a holiday to Antigua with her, (or, as he told me, supposedly with a guy he met whilst doing jury service!) and despite having a mobile phone bill with calls to her number. Sadly for him, he was living next-door but one to a friend of mine so I knew exactly where he was. I don't know why he wanted to hide it, I certainly didn't want him back and definitely wouldn't have been going round there begging him to come home.

I fully support the rights of fathers to see their children but when we're talking about a toddler, of course the mother should be allowed to know where they are staying. OP's ex is just playing mind games, as BitterAndTwisted says, he is just a bully.

Morglin

Posts 48 and 49, based on the OP's other thread do not suggest a father who puts his child first.

Therefore, I would be doubly cautious about handing over a small child, not knowing where she will be.

Lin

Big_Tree

duchy wrote: »

Then you were fortunate
If all child felt safe and secure when with their fathers many posts here wouldn't exist but sadly many children don't - they experience neglect, abuse or just plain old disinterest. The presence of a father isn't going to guarantee a father has the qualities you are assuming all fathers have and demonstrate to their children .............unfortunately
Anyone can be a Father.....to be a good Dad takes a bit more

That is correct, but as you said earlier;

duchy wrote: »

- the sex of the parent is immaterial. It's surely if it is the PWC or the NRP not the mother or father.

marisco_2

duchy wrote: »

Anyone can be a Father.....to be a good Dad takes a bit more

Agreed. However the only thing that seems to be stopping the OP from wanting the dad to see his little girl, is that he is refusing to supply her with his new address. There is no mention of concern over his parenting skills.

I am also extremely lucky to have a fantastic dad and always felt totally safe and secure around him. To this day he is my hero, a man that I love, trust and know I can rely on without question. To do anything to jeopardise a child, being able to build that kind of bond and relationship with their dad, is wholly irresponsible and robs them of something very precious.

That is why the lack of an address, if there are other means of contact, would not deter me from allowing a child to be with their dad.

duchy

The sad thing is that when you split up to make joint parenting really work and that takes communication. If there's secrecy about other things (like an undisclosed new relationship) then it breeds distrust .

My feeling is the OP's ex is playing a bit of a power game. It sounds like what he wanted was what he got in their marriage and he thinks that will continue now they live apart . Maybe he's witholding the address as part of that "My way or no way" attitude or maybe he is in a new relationship. It doesn't really matter-what matters is that the OP realizes she is now "head of the household" and her and her daughter's best interests come first emotionally and financially and stop pandering to this man-child sounding ex.

Man-children tend not to make the best Dads unfortunately

Mojisola

duchy wrote: »

Anyone can be a Father.....to be a good Dad takes a bit more

Same as lots of women can become mothers - doesn't mean they are all good parents.