Really concerned about my friend's children, constantly fed sweets and other junk

Georgiegirl256

Birdy12 wrote: »

How bizarre, did I not say that notanewuser's post was full of factual advice and that I agreed with it? Did you not read my post properly?

Yes, thank you.

The first page contained lots of good advice. People disputing one another in their bid to show themselves as the best parent is not giving the OP good advice.

Birdy

It was more in reply to post 31, although I quoted that one as I thought it was ironic that you were like 'can we just keep to giving advice' and then failed to offer any yourself. Who made you thread monitor? I think a group of adults can have a healthy debate, I didn't see any signs of 'competition' or people trying to get one up on anyone else.

GobbledyGook

I think if a friend had serious and genuine concerns about my children I'd like them to voice them. If they were really concerned I'd want them to speak to health visitors or social services if need be.

Not if they thought my kids had a few too many sweets, but if there were genuine concerns.

When my brother and I were taken by my Grandparents it turned out everybody and their wife had 'concerns', but no-one told anyone else. All too worried about their friend (my parent) being offended. If they had spoken we could have been protected sooner.

However there is a difference between disagreeing with someone on their child's diet and the child being in need of intervention.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

QueenOfHearts wrote: »

My friend is a single mum and we've been good friends for a few years. I adore her children who are 10 months and 3. I feel terrible passing judgement on her because she loves her kids, however I'm really concerned.

Her eldest daughter is fed chips, sausages, mcdonalds, jam sarnies, sometimes crisps for breakfast, tinned pasta shapes, sweets everyday, coke and the other day I saw her mother giving her a mouthful of energy drink. Both kids had about 15-20 easter eggs for Easter, they had opened about five of them and the 3 year old was allowed to help herself throughout the day. There were bits of half eaten chocolate everywhere. Her daughter is a healthy weight but she is very moody and hyperactive. She also points or makes noises most of the time if she wants something, when she is more than capable of talking, so I don't think she has any delays but I'm not an expert.

The other thing I'm concerned about is hygiene. The younger baby vomited over her coat, and the next day my friend hadn't washed the coat and put it back on her with the stain of vomit, she just wiped it off. She will leave the younger child in a dirty nappy for about 30 mins before changing her. I found bits of chocolate all inside the baby's cot when i was looking after her and bits of chocolate all over the sofa.

I understand that it's probably none of my business, but i'm really concerned. How do I approach their bad eating without offending my friend? I was thinking about going over and showing her how to make quick healthy meals that she can just freeze for the kids, but I don't want to upset her.

Once she goes to school, she'll be given cake and custard, rice pudding, sugar filled yogurts, plus things like sausages, chips and beans regularly as part of school dinners. Kind of cancels out the 'sugar is bad' when every meal provided is high in carbs and will have a sweet course. Means most school age children expect something sweet after every meal/everyday, even when they've never had it before.

A little bit of milky sick isn't the same as a full blown puke. A modern nappy is quite capable of being left for half an hour before being changed (if you can stand the smell) - after all, they're marketed as being suitable for all night use - you wouldn't wake a baby up throughout the night for changes or stay awake in case they poo at some point. Sometimes things just have to wait for a bit, especially when there's another child that requires a lot of supervision and input due to being a 3 year old.



I dread what lurks under the sofa cushions after a small child has been here. [peeks under one]. Nothing from small child, but I've found some detritus from the 14 year old's last meal here. There was a takeaway wrapper under the bed when I made it, too.


Once I meet a normal, well loved and perfectly healthy three year old who isn't moody and hyperactive and doesn't make noises rather than speak perfectly all the time, I'll let you know. Never met one in all my time in toddler groups and preschools.



I think they're fed, they're loved, they're a healthy weight and they aren't terrified of getting a tiny spot on their clothes or the house. Sounds quite

indsty

I think I would go down the route of "setting a good example without being obvious about it" ! If you are in her company along with children then ensure your children eat what you approve of. Throwaway remarks such as "it's too near tea time for sweets for my two thanks", will make your preference clear. Invite them for tea, or picnics, and cook healthy meals that your kids like, without making an issue of it. Your friendship will help her more than anything else.

balletshoes

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I think if a friend had serious and genuine concerns about my children I'd like them to voice them. If they were really concerned I'd want them to speak to health visitors or social services if need be.

Not if they thought my kids had a few too many sweets, but if there were genuine concerns.

When my brother and I were taken by my Grandparents it turned out everybody and their wife had 'concerns', but no-one told anyone else. All too worried about their friend (my parent) being offended. If they had spoken we could have been protected sooner.

However there is a difference between disagreeing with someone on their child's diet and the child being in need of intervention.

yes, this I agree with - and from the OPs post I'm just not convinced that they know enough to warrant an intervention from any outside body. If she wants to help, offer practical help - offer to have/watch the kids so her friend can get her housework and laundry done etc.

eta - I agree with JoJo too - kids don't necessarily get any less messy as they get older!

balletshoes

indsty wrote: »

I think I would go down the route of "setting a good example without being obvious about it" ! If you are in her company along with children then ensure your children eat what you approve of. Throwaway remarks such as "it's too near tea time for sweets for my two thanks", will make your preference clear. Invite them for tea, or picnics, and cook healthy meals that your kids like, without making an issue of it. Your friendship will help her more than anything else.

I'm not sure the OP has any children of her own?

somethingcorporate

Lily-Rose wrote: »

And THIS ^^^ is the kind of thing I am talking about: people poking their nose in, acting all holier-than-thou, saying how 'it's up to me' to put my friend (or whoever else does not match up to my oh-so-perfect standards) straight!

I will repeat myself: if any so-called FRIEND of mine thought she had a right to go sticking her sticky beak into how I raise my children, she would receive a short shrift, I can tell you that, and she would NOT be a friend for much longer. As 'nicki' said above me, NOBODY is perfect at this parenting lark, even if some people think they ARE and they have some God given right to slag off other parents. And as Nicki said; anyone who critisized me would get a blasted mouthful of what I thought of THEIR parenting skills.

As if it isn't hard enough as it is, without some nosey sticky-beak thinking they have a right to butt in. Like I said, mothers have enough of that with doctors, health visitors, nurses, doctors etc, as well as in-laws, and other extended family thinking THEIR parenting skills are superior to yours; they don't need it from some supposed know-all 'friend!' Who the hell do some people think they are? :rotfl:

This has nothing to do with parenting skills, those people you list actually want the best for the children, regardless of whether you want to fill them full of pop and chocolate.

What do you think the health visitors and doctors are trying to do? They are not interfering for the sake of it!

Ultimately, some things are genuinely good and beneficial for children and should be encouraged and other things are not. Just because you don't like being told it doesn't make it any less true and I'd happily tell you to your face that I think filling your kids full of crap is lazy and poor parenting.

barbarawright

Doesn't look as if the OP is going to return

Nicki

Joined to make a post on a very controversial issue and didn't come back to read the replies. Hmmm

MrsE_2

BigAunty wrote: »

This is a serious question, hope it doesn't come across as frivolous, but would social services really get involved for those kinds of issues?

I was under the impression that it would take prolonged neglect and abuse for a family to come under their wing.

I've even seen posts from social workers on news articles who say the entry criteria for intervention is very high and there are loads of households routinely living in what most people would regard as squalor and poor child rearing that won't qualify for any support from them, it has to be really harmful.

Social services don't just get involved for intervention & removing children.
They can refer or point families in the direction of support services who can assist perfectly in cases like needing parental guidance & support.