Really concerned about my friend's children, constantly fed sweets and other junk

QueenOfHearts

My friend is a single mum and we've been good friends for a few years. I adore her children who are 10 months and 3. I feel terrible passing judgement on her because she loves her kids, however I'm really concerned.

Her eldest daughter is fed chips, sausages, mcdonalds, jam sarnies, sometimes crisps for breakfast, tinned pasta shapes, sweets everyday, coke and the other day I saw her mother giving her a mouthful of energy drink. Both kids had about 15-20 easter eggs for Easter, they had opened about five of them and the 3 year old was allowed to help herself throughout the day. There were bits of half eaten chocolate everywhere. Her daughter is a healthy weight but she is very moody and hyperactive. She also points or makes noises most of the time if she wants something, when she is more than capable of talking, so I don't think she has any delays but I'm not an expert.

The other thing I'm concerned about is hygiene. The younger baby vomited over her coat, and the next day my friend hadn't washed the coat and put it back on her with the stain of vomit, she just wiped it off. She will leave the younger child in a dirty nappy for about 30 mins before changing her. I found bits of chocolate all inside the baby's cot when i was looking after her and bits of chocolate all over the sofa.

I understand that it's probably none of my business, but i'm really concerned. How do I approach their bad eating without offending my friend? I was thinking about going over and showing her how to make quick healthy meals that she can just freeze for the kids, but I don't want to upset her.

pinkshoes

Could you not invite them round to your house for lunch, and cook something healthy?

Some people are genuinely clueless when it comes to eating. Usually the ones that can't be bothered to read all the leaflets that parents get about feeding children healthy stuff.

My 3 year old got 4 Easter Eggs, and we still have 2 of them left!

Perhaps speak to a health visitor for advice? Sounds like she might needs some help...

trollopscarletwoman

Choices-

Confront the issue with your friend and all that entails.

Inform social services

Ignore

BigAunty

QueenOfHearts wrote: »

Her eldest daughter is fed chips, sausages, mcdonalds, jam sarnies, sometimes crisps for breakfast, tinned pasta shapes, sweets everyday, coke and the other day I saw her mother giving her a mouthful of energy drink. Both kids had about 15-20 easter eggs for Easter,

.

I know this isn't a particularly constructive comment but you pretty much outlined my diet as a kid in the 70s (apart from McDonalds and crisps for breakfast). At least then, we had the excuse of much lower nutritional knowledge and obesity wasn't common despite the prevalance of what is now known as junk food.

Daily sweets, jam sandwiches or tinned spaghetti for lunch, fizzy drink or sugar laden squash with sausage and chips at night...! Each easter, due to the huge numbers of family we had, we would easily get a dozen eggs, albeit rationed to us over a long period - gluttony was a no-no.

You sound like a great friend and I don't really know how you can educate her if she is resistent to healthy eating practices and poor house-keeping, will require great sensitivity.

It's a great shame her basic cooking and hygiene skills are so poor. My heart sinks when I'm in a supermarket and see women filling up their family shop with crisps, pizzas and fizzy drinks with not a piece of fresh fruit or veg in sight.

balletshoes

OP I don't want to upset you - but you're right, you're not an expert. You said yourself, your friend loves her kids.

Does your friend still go to her own health visitor for the childrens' health checks?

BigAunty

trollopscarletwoman wrote: »

Inform social services

This is a serious question, hope it doesn't come across as frivolous, but would social services really get involved for those kinds of issues?

I was under the impression that it would take prolonged neglect and abuse for a family to come under their wing.

I've even seen posts from social workers on news articles who say the entry criteria for intervention is very high and there are loads of households routinely living in what most people would regard as squalor and poor child rearing that won't qualify for any support from them, it has to be really harmful.

trollopscarletwoman

BigAunty wrote: »

This is a serious question, hope it doesn't come across as frivolous, but would social services really get involved for those kinds of issues?

I was under the impression that it would take prolonged neglect and abuse for a family to come under their wing.

I've even seen posts from social workers on news articles who say the entry criteria for intervention is very high and there are loads of households routinely living in what most people would regard as squalor and poor child rearing that won't qualify for any support from them, it has to be really harmful.

The point is do you see it as your social responsibility to at least try and get them involved. Whether they do or not is up to them to decide. Nothing I would do, mind.

To use an analogy you often see people on the benefits board arguing that if people they suspect of being on the fiddle have nothing to hide than they wouldn't mind a visit. Therefore ring the anonymous hotline and report suspicions.

Again not a road I'd go down.

Person_one

How much time are you spending with this family? Out of 21 meals in a week, how many are you there for and able to observe what is given?

It doesn't sound like they're getting a great diet, but I can't imagine for a minute that she would take kindly to basically being told by you that her parenting isn't up to scratch.

There's lots of information out there, change4life leaflets are in every health centre, the health visitor will be making a 12 month visit fairly soon. Maybe modelling healthy eating is a better option right now than an intervention that's likely to be seen as an attack.

BigAunty

To the OP - do you think this approach might work?

To offer to both participate in a supermarket or online recipe challenge, the type where they have schemes such as 'feed your family for a fiver' or cheap/healthy meal plans.

That way, you make it like a competition, a joint enterprise, perhaps shop together? Take turns cooking for each other, for example?

I'm thinking of things like Sainsbury's 'Live Well for Less Than you thought' and I expect most supermarket chains have this type of pro-nutritious, easy and cheap recipes for those with low cooking skills and experience?

b_girl

I think you should just try to support her in more subtle ways. Like another poster said invite her round for a healthy meal, go to children's centre workshops etc together. However I think ultimately you just need to accept you both have different ways of parenting.

My sister and I both have babies around the same age and when it comes to food are very different. I follow the guidelines as much as I can and my daughter didn't have sugar until she was over one. Even now at 15 months she doesn't have junk/sugar/fatty food. My sister is completely different, her baby has had chocolate from a very young age (I'm talking 4 months) - I don't agree with it and wouldn't do it myself but I wouldn't dream of voicing my opinion to her. I'm sure there's things I do that she wouldn't do too and wouldn't want to have those pointed out for me.

With regards to the coat with sick, perhaps she's struggling to keep on top of things. Maybe she intended to wash the coat and put it in the laundry but the next day was just too cold for little one to go without the coat so she did her best to wipe off the stain? I must admit I struggle to keep on top of washing and housework and I'm not a a single mum, my hubby is quite handy round the house.

Does it seem as though she's coping ok? I think you should cut her a little slack and try to just be a good friend to her

moomoomama27

If she's a really good friend, the mind of friend you can be open with, I'd be inclined to say voice your concerns, but in a subtle way.

Perhaps she us struggling though, to keep I top if housework, or very tired so uses convenience foods rather than cooking healthily.

Rather than going in critical, offer some help if possible?