Found out my Dad has another family...

Robisere

Holding on to a family secret is very difficult, hard on anyone who knows it. I have been holding on to one for decades, but I have no intention of letting it out into the open, too many people will be affected, some hurt badly I suspect.

I am the youngest of 3 brothers and a sister, who died before either of the sons were born. The other brothers were born 15 and 17 years before me, my much-loved senior brother dying in 1988. My mother was the oldest of her family of another sister, an aunt whose house I regularly visited, and 7 brothers. I always wondered why our 'middle' brother was so different in appearance and temperament from myself and my big brother, who was a great mate to me all his life. My other brother was always distant with me and as I grew up, it was obvious that he was mum's favourite, although dad was even-handed with all 3 of us, which in the light of later knowledge, just showed what a great dad we had.

I voiced these thoughts to my aunt once at a family party, with the booze flowing well, and I learned something I had been better off not knowing. Our parents left the county where they were born, got married and had my sister and big brother, to find work and a new home. Almost 2 years later, my middle brother was born, but what my aunt told me was that mum had left our dad with my senior brother as a toddler, to live with someone else miles away. Middle brother, she said, was not dad's son, and our paternal grandparents detested her for it.

I was absolutely shocked to the core by this, until I began to realise that it explained so many things: the attitude of my lovely gran to my mum, the way our brother did not seem to be anything like my big brother and myself, the cool, distant way middle brother treated me. I had been the child at home with my mum after he left and his jealousy was plain to see. My aunt soon sobered up and was distraught that she had told me and she also said that I must never tell anyone else.

I lived with this all my life, it further explained why middle brother had the same vicious temper as our mum, who suffered from a mental problem and actually abused me whilst I was small, until dad took me to live with my aunt for almost 3 years. Mum eventually received medication to cure that, but I never really felt anything for her after returning home and this news from my aunt in later years, also perhaps went some way to explaining the abuse.

In my 30's, I returned to live with my parents as a single man, after leaving a failed relationship. By now my big brother was dying, mum and dad were aging and ill and I looked after them, whilst working full time. Eventually I ran the house, shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing. I paid a very good sum in board & lodging, looked after their finances and paid all the household bills, putting most of their income into the bank and showing proof of everything I did. One day I came home from work to a real "atmosphere". I discovered that my middle brother, who rarely visited and did nothing at all for our parents, had phoned to say that I did not pay enough Board, although he had no idea of how much I actually paid - I had told no one, and my parents had not told him.

This was just the last in along line of insults and I had enough. I went down to my big brother and told my SIL, who had always been like a big sister, about this. She told me that middle bro had been trying for years to poison big bro's mind against me, but failed. I was right on the point of telling her the secret, but stopped. In the next room, my real brother was dying. I could not let him take this knowledge to his grave, so I stayed quiet.

The only other person still alive who shares this secret, is my wife, who wanted to know why my remaining brother wanted nothing to do with me, so I told her. Everyone else in the preceding story has passed away, except for myself and my middle brother. An example of his personality is that, when he was 80, he rang to ask why I had not sent him a card. I asked him if he knew what age I was in his 80th year, as he was 15 years older. I could hear him asking my SIL, what is 80 minus 15? He came back to me: "You were 65!" "And where was my 65th birthday card?" I asked "Well I am the oldest!" he said. I have never had contact with him since. He has 7 children, all of whom have children. 4 of those kids do not talk to him.

So what do I have to say to the OP? - You have a choice! You can keep this secret or you can blow it wide open. I chose to keep it and I keep it still, because there are 7 families who might be badly hurt by suddenly learning something that might damage their sense of identity.

paulineb_2

19lottie82 wrote: »

Really? Sorry B&T, but I don't agree.

I dont agree either, would I tell my mum if I were in the same position. Absolutely.

Darci

Thanks for all the replies. Not sure hour the person that doesn't believe me.

I met my half sisters and they are lovely. We've had significantly different upbringings though. I spoke to my full sister afterwards and told her - she wasn't surprised and has heard rumours in the past. She has advised me against mentioning it to mum or dad as mum probably knows (apparently she has been told by an anon source years ago) and she feels that Dad has fought to keep his secret for this long and to let it go now. I sort of don't agree, but those of you asking me what I think the consequences will be are right in that I think they will be awful.
My sisters are happy to know me in secret, they have been told only positive things about my mum and don't want to cause any problems. And as it was me who contacted them, I believe them. I'm going to keep in touch but I think at a distance, without seeing them too often.

I know many of you would have confronted my Dad, and I may do in the future. I'm definitely getting the holiday over first and then can rethink. Speaking to my full sister was brilliant though as I don't feel as 'weird' now that someone else knows.

BigAunty

I always feel terrible when I think about how my family and many of my grandfather's close relatives were aware he had a younger step-sister but no-one told him.

I feel it is cruel to keep a secret from someone, shared by so many others. Imagine being the only one not to know?

My grandfather died without knowing he had a sister but imagine how much more he would have hurt to have found out so many of his close relatives kept him in the dark, making a judgement on his behalf that assumed he was better off being ignorant about it?

pollypenny

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I think Pollypenny may also have missed the fact that there are three families this affects.

The Op did say that she has older siblings by her dad so her family is not the 'original' one anyway, if in fact that matters, which I do not think it does.

No, I was fully aware of the older siblings.

However, this man has fathered a second family, whilst married to OP's mother.

This is so sad,especially for all the now adult children involved, but it's still a betrayal, with a bit on the side.

The guy might be 80 odd, but what a charmer!

POPPYOSCAR

pollypenny wrote: »

No, I was fully aware of the older siblings.

However, this man has fathered a second family, whilst married to OP's mother.

This is so sad,especially for all the now adult children involved, but it's still a betrayal, with a bit on the side.

The guy might be 80 odd, but what a charmer!

As duchy said above you have no idea if the other mother was a 'bit on the side' she may not have know about the other family.

You also have no idea if they struggled financially. The OP talks about "wads of cash" which could mean her father was very well off.

victory

Darci wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. Not sure hour the person that doesn't believe me.

I met my half sisters and they are lovely. We've had significantly different upbringings though. I spoke to my full sister afterwards and told her - she wasn't surprised and has heard rumours in the past. She has advised me against mentioning it to mum or dad as mum probably knows (apparently she has been told by an anon source years ago) and she feels that Dad has fought to keep his secret for this long and to let it go now. I sort of don't agree, but those of you asking me what I think the consequences will be are right in that I think they will be awful.
My sisters are happy to know me in secret, they have been told only positive things about my mum and don't want to cause any problems. And as it was me who contacted them, I believe them. I'm going to keep in touch but I think at a distance, without seeing them too often.

I know many of you would have confronted my Dad, and I may do in the future. I'm definitely getting the holiday over first and then can rethink. Speaking to my full sister was brilliant though as I don't feel as 'weird' now that someone else knows.

It takes a strong person to be able to know and still keep the family together, your mother is a one in a milion:D

pollypenny

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

As duchy said above you have no idea if the other mother was a 'bit on the side' she may not have know about the other family.

You also have no idea if they struggled financially. The OP talks about "wads of cash" which could mean her father was very well off.

The father knew she was his bit on the side. He is the immoral one.

Darci

The woman DID know about Dad's family- she worked for him and everyone there was aware of my Mum as she often helped out. I'm fact, my mum will have known this other woman.

There surely were wads of cash back then, he used to be wealthy but sadly there is no money left! All wasted on bad decisions.

The older siblings all have different mothers to each other! He certainly is/was a charmer. But my Mum is definitely an amazing woman - she sounds weak but isn't at all and she gave me an excellent childhood and is there for me no matter what. I don't want to hurt her even if I think she 'deserves' to know the truth.

Grown up life and family lies suck.

POPPYOSCAR

pollypenny wrote: »

The father knew she was his bit on the side. He is the immoral one.

I find that a derogatory term for someone who could be innocent in all this.