Found out my Dad has another family...

Darci

I've created a new name to protect my identity.

I have recently found out that my Dad has got two children that he has never told us about. They are younger than me, and this is a problem because he is still married to mum and they've been together for about 35 years. They are both a few years younger than me. I've recently spoken to one of the girls and she tells me that our Dad has told her not to contact me (and my full sister) and my mother.

I don't know what to do. I feel that my Mum deserves to know the truth here but I don't want to hurt her. I'm sure it'll come out in the future and I don't want her to know that I already knew. I haven't confronted my Dad and don't know if I can- I am just so disgusted by his behaviour.

Any advice greatly appreciated, my head is such a mess.

victory

Darci wrote: »

I've created a new name to protect my identity.

I have recently found out that my Dad has got two children that he has never told us about. They are younger than me, and this is a problem because he is still married to mum and they've been together for about 35 years. They are both a few years younger than me. I've recently spoken to one of the girls and she tells me that our Dad has told her not to contact me (and my full sister) and my mother.

I don't know what to do. I feel that my Mum deserves to know the truth here but I don't want to hurt her. I'm sure it'll come out in the future and I don't want her to know that I already knew. I haven't confronted my Dad and don't know if I can- I am just so disgusted by his behaviour.

Any advice greatly appreciated, my head is such a mess.

So your mum has no idea? Do you mean your dad has a completely seperate life with another wife and children?

Darci

victory wrote: »

So your mum has no idea? Do you mean your dad has a completely seperate life with another wife and children?

Well I don't think he is still with this woman but he does see these children (we are all grown up now, the youngest is 20). He was obviously seeing her for at least 5 years and I was about 4 or 5 when the oldest one was born. I can only assume my mum has no idea, I am positive she would have told me.

victory

Darci wrote: »

Well I don't think he is still with this woman but he does see these children (we are all grown up now, the youngest is 20). He was obviously seeing her for at least 5 years and I was about 4 or 5 when the oldest one was born. I can only assume my mum has no idea, I am positive she would have told me.

Your dad has kept in touch with his kids and never told you or your mum? how did you find out?

Darci

victory wrote: »

Your dad has kept in touch with his kids and never told you or your mum? how did you find out?

Well I several older half siblings (my dad's) too who I know and one of them hinted strongly to me that there was something I didn't know. I investigated by looking at his facebook (he told me that it would be obvious and it was) and contacted this girl who confirmed that she is my sister. She has known about me all her life but was told not to contact me. She says that our dad visits her every so often and always has. So he's had these children whilst with my mum, I don't know how she didn't ever suspect but he used to have a job which required him to be away and out a lot and she worked night shifts (my sister and I stayed with relatives when she worked nights) so I suppose that's how it happened.

delain

Might not be good advice, but if it was me I would approach Dad and tell him he needs to come clean with Mum and give him say 2 weeks to do it or you will tell her.

The most disgusting thing is the way he's treated the 'other' family saying that they can't get in touch with you... I'm sure your younger half siblings have always wanted to meet and get to know you, and you've all been deprived of that because your Dad can't keep his pants on (not that the 'other' mum is much better on that score)

19lottie82

Darci wrote: »

I can only assume my mum has no idea, I am positive she would have told me.

I wouldn't assume this. It might be the case, but equally, it might not.

duchy

You can't know for sure that your Mum doesn't know. She and your Dad may have weathered the storm and come through it but decided not to tell you children (at all or yet. Once you get used to keeping a family secret -it's really hard to do it later on -bit like the way more adoptive children are nowdays told at a very young age as often parents found it impossible to tell them much later without it causing upset and devestation) . If Dad worked away and Mum worked nights -it is possible that they were split up for a while but didn't tell such young children -even

With CSA payments and the like it is hard to know how a wife wouldn't notice 30% of the husband's income vanishing every month but stranger things have happened.

Your half sister is in a horrible position as your Dad is likely to be very angry with her . Presumably there is regular contact ?

You don't say how old you are - but presumably if your parents are married for 35 years you are in your twenties or thirties so all this happened a very long time ago. If your Mum doesn't know -what benefit is there in letting her know that more than 20 years ago her husband cheated -even if he has stayed faithful since........ and if she does know -she may not thank you for bringing up what was an unhappy time she put behind her and moved on from many years ago.

I'd think very carefully about all angles before doing anything -it may be morally right to tell your Mum but it could also devestate your parent's marriage- your relationship with both of your parents.....not to mention your half sister's relationship with your Dad.

Maybe get to know your half sister better and try to learn more about the actual circumstances first ?

If the children were born recently I'd probably not be saying this but an awful lot of water appears to have flowed under the bridge since. I'd wait til you are calmer before you make any decisions .

You'll probably need to talk to your Dad at some point if his will is providing for all his children-Maybe he just hopes he will outlive your Mum or maybe he made no provision for them. Regardless of how I feel about leaving the past in the past -My major concern would be does my Mother know....and if she doesn't is she likely to have it dumped on her at my father's funeral. That would be how I'd be approaching my father rather than giving him a twenty years too late lecture about his morals.

BJV

So sorry what a terrible position to be in.

You absolutely 100% must speak to your dad. Its not fair that you should be stuck in the middle. I agree that your mum should know but i think your dad should be the one to tell her.

It will be hard but your have to confront him.

Darci

I suspect that my mum wouldn't split up with him over it- I just know what type of person she is. I wonder if she's happier just either not knowing, or pretending she doesn't know. He's actually quite elderly and would be in a bad situation if he lost mum. (She's much younger than him).

I doubt there were any CSA payments, more like wads of cash just given to the mum- Dad had his own business and my mum wasn't really involved so wouldn't have questioned his money situation.

I'm in my late 20s if that helps.

This part sounds stupid but my hubby, baby and I are going on holiday with my parents soon and I don't want to do anything before then as I want my mum to be able to relax and enjoy herself- she's been I'll recently and could use the break.

I've arranged to meet the sister really soon x

BJV

duchy wrote: »

I'd think very carefully about all angles before doing anything -it may be morally right to tell your Mum but it could also devastate your parent's marriage- your relationship with both of your parents.....not to mention your half sister's relationship with your Dad.

Maybe get to know your half sister better and try to learn more about the actual circumstances first ?

I understand where you are coming from but sorry i think that the OP needs to talk about it. It would not be fair for the Op to carry this burden around. Also even though I have been with my Oh for over 20 years if the shoe was on the other foot i would want to know. Their marriage should not be built on a lie and the Op should not be left in feeling guilty.