Found out my Dad has another family...

BitterAndTwisted

This is your father's private business and you are not entitled to do any "confronting" or anything else about it as you have no absolute right to an explanation from him. In your position I would do and say nothing. It surely is a horrible tangled mess but it's not yours to interfere or fix

Darci

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

This is your father's private business and you are not entitled to do any "confronting" or anything else about it as you have no absolute right to an explanation from him. In your position I would do and say nothing. It surely is a horrible tangled mess but it's not yours to interfere or fix

I agree about not giving an ultimatum but I think that having two sisters who are only a few years younger than me is my business and I'm sure it must be my mothers business too. I don't think people in long term relationships should be off having babies with other people, it affects everyone when it comes out x

duchy

Darci wrote: »

I suspect that my mum wouldn't split up with him over it- I just know what type of person she is. I wonder if she's happier just either not knowing, or pretending she doesn't know. He's actually quite elderly and would be in a bad situation if he lost mum. (She's much younger than him).

I doubt there were any CSA payments, more like wads of cash just given to the mum- Dad had his own business and my mum wasn't really involved so wouldn't have questioned his money situation.

I'm in my late 20s if that helps.

This part sounds stupid but my hubby, baby and I are going on holiday with my parents soon and I don't want to do anything before then as I want my mum to be able to relax and enjoy herself- she's been I'll recently and could use the break.

I've arranged to meet the sister really soon x

No it doesn't sound stupid at all.
I think if you can manage to be around your Dad without showing how you feel (and that's a big one) then take your time. Get to know your sister a bit and see what she knows (remembering that what your Dad and her Mum told her may not be the full truth either).

From what you've said it does sound possible that your Mum knows -and chose to weather the storm and that eventually your Dad came back to her after a lengthy affair and since then they have built a solid marriage. She may not thank you for opening up old wounds.

Sending you hugs-it's a horrid situation -but stay calm it may not be as bad as you think and the worst part might be that they didn't tell you. My Mum told me a family "secret" when I was in my forties. What she didn't realize was it wasn't the secret that bothered me-I'd half guessed and decided it made no difference to me anyway. It was the fact that neither she or my Dad had told me before. I understood their reasons - but it still hurt.

19lottie82

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

This is your father's private business and you are not entitled to do any "confronting" or anything else about it as you have no absolute right to an explanation from him.

Really? Sorry B&T, but I don't agree.

duchy

I don't agree either. I think it is inevitable the OP needs to speak to her father at some point now the cat is out of the bag-BUT she needs time to find out more and to sort it out in her own head first before speaking to him about it and certainly before "telling" her Mum who may already know and be devastated that it has all come out all these years later.

Corelli

I agree, it is very much Darcy's business. The existance of two previously unknow sisters is a big deal, with implications of further complications on the death (sorry) of his/her father.

Maybe a talk with dad, find out more. Not ultimatums that mum must be told, just find out more and then decide what to do.

I can see the upcoming break will be difficult. Perhaps getting things in the open with your father before then, but having a mutual understanding not to do anything to spoil it for your mother?

Best wishes for your mother's recovery from her recent ill health.

jetplane

This happened to someone I know, although it was his father who told them of his other family, just before he left to live with them. He went through a range of emotions from shock and disbelief, hate, betrayal, finally to acceptance and has built a relationship with his half siblings. They always knew that he existed.

The father had led a double life for years and his wife had no idea, he also ran his own business so finance was an area left to the accountant and his wife never saw the books.

Your mother may be aware of this family, as you were very young at the time these things could have been dealt with, kept from you and buried in the past. There are lots of ifs and maybes. If your mother knew then she may have made the instruction for no contact to enable her to live with the situation. The times he was away and you slept at an aunties could have been explained as work duties but maybe this was to protect you.

I think it is very generous of you to want your mother to enjoy her holiday first and is probably what I would do especially if it is soon. I really cant imagine how I would feel in your situation but I hope that I would give myself time to breathe, do a bit detective work and resist the urge to lash out at my father before I knew all of the history.

Family secrets are difficult and I don't envy you this dilemma. Personally I would meet my half sister and listen to her version of events, but ultimately you have to speak to your father and find out some truths.

claire21

I wouldn't be surprised at all if your mum already knew.

Has the new half sister mentioned at all how it all came to be, I presume that as your dad has a relationship with her and it's all been quite open in their life that her and her mum have talked about how the situation arose eg does her mother think your mother knew.

BJV

Honestly for your own peace of mind talk to your dad.

Yes it is his private business but he made it yours as well when he had children with "this other family".

BJV

Honestly for your own peace of mind talk to your dad.

Yes it is his private business but he made it yours as well when he had children with "this other family".