Found out my Dad has another family...

POPPYOSCAR

I could not live a lie like this.

As a mother I would be devastated if I found something like this out and knew that my child/children had known but kept it from me.

But only you know your mother and what is best for her.

What would happen in the future? Would his other children be kept from his funeral for example? If your mother does not know, that would be an awful time for her to find out.

duchy

It's entirely possible the half siblings Mum thinks Darci's Mum doesn't know when in fact she does or that there was an agreement never to let Darci and her sister find out as they'd think less of their Dad.

As Darci's Dad is much older than her Mum I would definitely want to know if I was going to be left cleaning up the mess he made after his death regardless of the tell or not tell dilemma going on now. You really do need to find out over the coming months what the reality of the situation is and what provision has been made both financially and emotionally to protect your mother when he dies.

WestonDave

I wouldn't make any assumptions about who knows what - its as possible that Mum knows but they've agreed not to "rock the boat" for fear of making what could have been a bad time worse. Its not impossible that they've done the screaming and shouting bit whilst you were too young to remember and have moved on into a life that somehow makes the situation work.


However things have now changed - you aren't in the dark and its not reasonable to expect you to have to help maintain this pretence (which may have been purely for your benefit - misguided as that may seem).


Given the timing I would keep it buttoned for your Mum's sake on the holiday, but afterwards find a time to speak with your Dad in private. The starting point in my view would be to inform him that you are now aware of your half siblings and that you intend to spend time getting to know them. That then leaves him to respond either by begging you not to tell your mum or by admitting that she has known all along so there is no need for further secrecy. At that point you can decide whether there is much to be gained from giving your Mum the dignity of knowing what went on behind her back but at the potentially devastating cost of realising she has lived a lie for 20+ years. Only you can decide on that latter part - to some extent its not that relevant to you as its between your mum and dad - your part is the right to know and spend time with your siblings now you have discovered them so its tempting to suggest you confine yourself to what you have gained rather than pushing to destroy your family.

Darci

He's in his mid 80s and as morbid as it sounds, I'm sure all of this would have come out at his funeral. What a terrible way for us to have all found out. I haven't told my sister yet as I'm not sure how she'll take it and she has a lot on with her children at the moment.

I feel terrible that half sister has had to know this and keep quiet all her life. What a way to make someone feel crap. I told her that I'd understand if she doesn't want to have any contact with me but she said she was happy I'd contacted her as she has wanted to (she did actually attempt to a few years ago via facebook but I was too stupid to understand her cryptic message)

BitterAndTwisted

This revelation is not dissimilar to the current thread about the discovery of a half-sister having been adopted at birth.

Even accepting how sad and difficult this situation is I'd stay out of it. Being the bringer of bad news is not a good place to be and nothing good can come from it. To put it mildly.

My opinion is that not everything that happens in the world is our business or only our problem to resolve.

Everyone else is entitled to feel entirely differently.

savingmummy

I `think` your mum already knows.

If I was you I wouldn`t approach mum - That's your dads job!
I would speak with your dad, and ask him outright `Is it true I have siblings` and see how it goes from there.

victory

Darci wrote: »

He's in his mid 80s and as morbid as it sounds, I'm sure all of this would have come out at his funeral. What a terrible way for us to have all found out. I haven't told my sister yet as I'm not sure how she'll take it and she has a lot on with her children at the moment.

I feel terrible that half sister has had to know this and keep quiet all her life. What a way to make someone feel crap. I told her that I'd understand if she doesn't want to have any contact with me but she said she was happy I'd contacted her as she has wanted to (she did actually attempt to a few years ago via facebook but I was too stupid to understand her cryptic message)

I have a feeling that your mum already knows and has chosen her own way of dealing with it, it is often the way within the family that each member kept the truth from another to protect each other and they knew

duchy

Bear in mind that as YOU initiated contact so your half sister hasn't broken any promises -She may tell your Dad that you got in contact with her.

IrishRose12

I find it highly unlikely that your mum doesn't know already.
There's obviously a reason why your dad hasn't told you about your other family, and it could be that your mum doesn't want you to know about them.

I wouldn't say anything to your dad about it either as it could cause more trouble that its worth. If you and your sister are happy enough to meet up and get to know each other go ahead and do what you want. It's up to you whether you tell your other sister or not, but if you do, if you decide not to say anything to your mum or dad, explain to her the reasons why and leave it at that.

CH27

Speak to your Dad & see what he has to say.
Do not speak to your mum or sister about it. It's your dad's story to tell.