Arguing over money!

Mojisola

BunnieJ wrote: »

After a heated discussion of finances the other night, he said that he wanted to keep things separate because it would be alot easier if we ever broke up/got divorced.

His parents got married and started a family young (early 20s) and when they got divorced he said his dad put his mum in the s**t and left her with nothing...

So he's just missing out the marriage and divorce and leaving you with nothing right from the start.

Manchee

alsoanewuser wrote: »

Well, one side of the story plus sometimes a whole other dimension as well (trolls and bridges spring to mind). But Im not sure the issue in this scenario is that the girl isn't good with money. Been some issues around her pay and it sounds like he's sitting with a calculator saying I paid for this and you owe me this. Not so good I think.

Yes but what if from his point to view (playing devils advocate) the way he sees it is he doesn't want her to be reliant on him. Its his money at the end of the day, sure relationships should be about supporting each other, but what if he feels he has done this by lending her the money she needs. From what the OP has said he's obviously quite wary about money, so its not too great a leap to think that maybe its making him feel uncomfortable as he feels he's taking the debt more seriously than the OP (not saying that she isn't taking it seriously, just how he might be viewing it).

All I know is if I was in a relationship that the vast majority of time together had been long distance it would feel a much bigger commitment to move in together than if we saw each other on a daily basis. And then if you throw sharing money into the mix it could potentially end up with a lot of heartache. As someone has already said, living together and sharing finances are not one and the same. Maybe he just isn't ready to make that step (which, if you look at it objectively, is a big commitment and something that leaves you vulnerable as many a thread here can attest). Only the OP and her bf can really know what kind of state their relationship is at, but I think branding the bf as tight or not suitable to be long term is wrong.

BunnieJ

FBaby wrote: »

Yes seriously. I think when you've experienced sharing life with someone who is not good with budgeting when tout are yourself you become more careful. Some people despise the prospect of being into debts. I would personally feel very uneasy if I owed £1700 and that's with earning a lot more than OP. Different people have different mindsets when it comes to debt and it seems to me as if OP partner is much more cautious. There is also the fact we only get one side of the story and as we've discovered recently in one thread when the partner came to light the whole story changed significantly.

I will state again for the record I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN ANY DEBT BEFORE

Yes, I'm not over-cautious when it comes to my finances, but equally I'm not frivilous with my money either! My OH and I have known each other for 6 years. Surely he would know me well enough and know that I'm not the sort of person that gets into money trouble? One would assume a trust has been built over this length of time. I know I trust him :undecided

Maybe there would be parts of this story he might change, but I am trying to give as fair and balanced a point of view as I can in this situation. I have no intention to paint him to be a tight g*t or myself to look like a saint with money!

But Im not sure the issue in this scenario is that the girl isn't good with money.

The issue is most definately not that either one of us is good/bad with money, but how the money I have had to borrow is causing ill-feelings towards one another!

Can I just ask, these costs for moving that you owe your SO, is that the entire amount that was paid or is it half (so moving costs were 3 and a half grand in total)? Is he making you pay for the entire move?

The money I owe my partner is for half of the overall moving costs/items purchased when we moved into our flat. I have discussed not including the deposit as he will get the full amount back in his account if we move out.

Pay him back OP, but I'd be wary of the lack of commitment after 6 years together.

You've hit the nail on the head there! I know how fraustrated he must be feeling with me oweing him and not being able to pay him back atm, but to me it just feels like a lack of/or no willingness for commitment :-(

All I know is if I was in a relationship that the vast majority of time together had been long distance it would feel a much bigger commitment to move in together than if we saw each other on a daily basis. And then if you throw sharing money into the mix it could potentially end up with a lot of heartache. As someone has already said, living together and sharing finances are not one and the same. Maybe he just isn't ready to make that step (which, if you look at it objectively, is a big commitment and something that leaves you vulnerable as many a thread here can attest). Only the OP and her bf can really know what kind of state their relationship is at, but I think branding the bf as tight or not suitable to be long term is wrong.

I totally understand where you're coming from here, but after 6 years I'm getting pretty fed up of "I'm not ready to make that step"...

Pollycat

FBaby wrote: »

I think he is a very sensible and responsible man and therefore a good catch. You say he is generous and he has said he would expect things to be didn't if you had children. Frankly I just feel from your posts that he doesn't YET trust you in terms of money management. You seem to be sorting things out now but he probably expected all this sooner. I think once you start paying him back regularly and stick to your budget he will start to relax. And don't forget not to agree to anything you are not prepared to honour. If you don't think you should have to pay for something tell him the and then rather than agreeing to repay it and then resenting him for expecting repayments.

I think this post - and others referring to the OP's financial situation are unfair.

The OP has stated (more than once) how she came to be in this situation.
It's not like she has a wardrobe of clothes from Next.

BunnieJ wrote: »

Unfortuately, my employers were total t**ts and never paid me the correct amount of money each month so I was always behind on pay, living on my credit card/overdraft/OH money. Then along came trips to the dentist, car expenses, Christmas etc. and I had no spare cash to start paying him back.

I've never had any trouble with money before, including uni (I was never a "poor student"), as I always worked over the holidays and saved up money for the next term. I've always managed to save a bit of money (for driving lessons or emergencies etc), but my last period of unemployment wiped them out :-(

Her partner seems unable to understand what she has explained to us on here.

Mojisola

BunnieJ wrote: »

I have discussed not including the deposit as he will get the full amount back in his account if we move out.

Is the deposit just in his name? If so, why does he think you owe him half the amount?

tesuhoha

I think its a bit sad really that a young relationship like this should be all about money. Its no wonder that couples split so easily nowadays if they are so unwilling to commit to a partnership.

Its obviously up to individuals whether they keep their money separate from their partner or have a joint shared account but really all this 'debt' to someone you share your life with seems all wrong to me.

You both wanted to live together in Bristol so it seems to me that whoever had the money should have funded the move no debt involved. Its okay to be careful with money but as a couple pooling the money. If you are a unit living together then you can still have separate money but surely the main finances should be jointly shared with joint say in the spending and finances.

You are either a boyfriend and girlfriend who keep their money separate and go out with their mates or you are a partnership sharing everything. There should be trust and consideration with money but after that it should not be the most important thing that rules the relationship.

Each person should be there for the other one through thick and thin and your money is their money and vice versa. This is not to say it should be badly handled but neither person in the relationship should feel uneasy about their financial contribution. It is completely wrong to feel that you are not an equal partner because of this and if you do feel like this, it is unlikely to go away. Even when you have children you will always feel guilty and uncomfortable that he is supporting you. So you need to think hard about whether you want to feel like that in the future.

Of course you still have to work together to deal with any financial issues but together as a unit without any issues as to who is contributing the most.

Pollycat

BunnieJ wrote: »

Yes, I'm not over-cautious when it comes to my finances, but equally I'm not frivilous with my money either! My OH and I have known each other for 6 years. Surely he would know me well enough and know that I'm not the sort of person that gets into money trouble? One would assume a trust has been built over this length of time. I know I trust him :undecided

I posted above before I read this (post #88).

I certainly understand why you are in the financial position you are in.

Sadly, he obviously doesn't know you well enough to understand why you are in that financial position.
He clearly doesn't trust you about money.

Doesn't that tell you something?

Manchee

BunnieJ wrote: »

The money I owe my partner is for half of the overall moving costs/items purchased when we moved into our flat. I have discussed not including the deposit as he will get the full amount back in his account if we move out.

Ok that's good to know, thought for a min he might be trying to get you to pay all moving costs! But anyway.. if I were you I tell him that you had done a budget, and show him how much you can afford to pay each month, and when you will pay him each month (and stick to it to the day, don't give him any reason to get twitchy about money). That's about as much reassurance you can give that I can see, but hopefully he should relax when he realises you are trying to and succeeding in meeting your financial commitments.

BunnieJ

Is the deposit just in his name? If so, why does he think you owe him half the amount?

Everything moneywise is in his name, just for convinence at the time. We had agreed to set up a joint account as our "pot" to put our money in and for bills etc to be taken out, but we haven't actually set this up yet. The current situation is that everything comes out of his account and I transfer my portion of the money for bills straight into his account when I get paid.

I agreed that although I was the one moving I would help towards the cost when I could afford to as my OH used all his savings to pay for the move.

but hopefully he should relax when he realises you are trying to and succeeding in meeting your financial commitments.

I hope so too. I am trying to set up a budget and I always pay him my money for our bills on time.

Mojisola

Mojisola wrote: »

Is the deposit just in his name? If so, why does he think you owe him half the amount?

BunnieJ wrote: »

Everything moneywise is in his name, just for convinence at the time.

Or control?

We had agreed to set up a joint account as our "pot" to put our money in and for bills etc to be taken out, but we habven't actually set this up yet. The current situation is that everything comes out of his account and I transfer my portion of the money for bills straight into his account when I get paid.

I agreed that although I was the one moving I would help towards the cost when I could afford to as my OH used all his savings to pay for the move.

Is the rental agreement in both names?

Again, if the full deposit would be paid back to him alone, why are you paying him half of it?