Arguing over money!

Cottage_Economy

If I were you I would go hell for leather paying him back and then I would be free to get out of the relationship if and when I wished to find a better one. After six years you both think you're not ready for children, buying a house together or marriage then I think you're just housemates with sex? You don't appear to have any common goals for your future together?

Keep it on that footing until the time comes you want a committed relationship, children and a home, but I doubt your current boyfriend will step up to the mark given how you've described him. He sounds very young, as do you.

As for splitting bills equally in a relationship, if one person earns half of what the other does it is unfair to expect them to contribute the same amount of money. A proportional split is needed otherwise one partner lives in poverty and cannot participate in activities the other one can. It breeds resentment.

pimento

BunnieJ wrote: »

I would eventually like to get married, buy a house etc, but even when we've discussed this he doesn't think we should equally share our money into into a joint account. I have no problem with him having what's mine as I love him and we are basically like a married couple anyway. He just doesn't feel the same way about it...

RUN! NOW!

What happens when you get married and have children and you're not working? Are you going to have to go cap in hand to ask him for spending money?

I can put up with a lot of things but parsimony gets right on my nerves. It would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Pollycat

BunnieJ wrote: »

I slightly over-estimated how much I owe him, it's actually around £1700 not £2000, which is for moving costs and a joint holiday (V Festival tickets). I'm currently working on a budget/payment plan and have made alot of cutbacks of my personal expenses.

BunnieJ wrote: »

£100/month for the moving costs

I may have missed where you've already explained this but I'm curious about what this £1500 moving cost covers.

BunnieJ wrote: »

We have discussed marriage, children, buying a house etc (not that either of us are ready yet) and he says he would still keep our finances separate. Based on the main relationships I know (my parents) they share EVERYTHING! So, it kind of comes across to me a petty/selfish/uncommited when he's not willing to share...

You're right - he is petty, selfish and uncommitted if he still intends keeping your finances separate if you have children.

A very good friend of mine allowed this to happen - they agreed she would be a stay-at-home Mum - and 5 years ago he left her for someone else.
He'd been salting money away right left and centre whilst she was struggling to even feed the family on the pittance.

I would seriously run for the hills - NOW.

Mojisola

Pollycat wrote: »

A very good friend of mine allowed this to happen - they agreed she would be a stay-at-home Mum - and 5 years ago he left her for someone else.

I had a male friend in the same position - he'd stayed at home to look after the children while she progressed in her career. Once the children were at school and he was able to get a part-time job, he was expected to pay half of all the household bills. Even when he moved on to full-time work, he couldn't match her salary because of the years spent at home.

The final straw for him was when she went on holiday without him because he couldn't afford it.

He's now with a lovely woman who appreciates what a kind and good man he is and doesn't measure his worth by how much money he can earn.

BunnieJ

Regarding moving costs:

I believe this was the cost of the agency admin fees, first months rent in advance, deposit money, essential larger household items we needed to by for the flat etc. I have asked him to explain this all to me for my budget before I start paying large amounts of money into his account! :doh:

Regarding "settling down":

We are both in agreement that we would like to eventually buy a house, get married, have children etc. But, at this point in our lives it's not a financially viable option. He has just started a career in IT and I have only just moved out of my parents house. Obviously if I had an unplanned pregnacy that would change things, but that's very unlikely to happen! :laugh:

He has said if we were to have children, things would be different as there would be other people involved in our relationship, and he wouldn't expect me to carry on working or live with no money. He said he would financially provide for the family if and when I was on maternity leave/stay at home mum.

paulineb_2

BunnieJ wrote: »

Regarding moving costs:

I believe this was the cost of the agency admin fees, first months rent in advance, deposit money, essential larger household items we needed to by for the flat etc. I have asked him to explain this all to me for my budget before I start paying large amounts of money into his account! :doh:

Regarding "settling down":

We are both in agreement that we would like to eventually buy a house, get married, have children etc. But, at this point in our lives it's not a financially viable option. He has just started a career in IT and I have only just moved out of my parents house. Obviously if I had an unplanned pregnacy that would change things, but that's very unlikely to happen! :laugh:

He has said if we were to have children, things would be different as there would be other people involved in our relationship, and he wouldn't expect me to carry on working or live with no money. He said he would financially provide for the family if and when I was on maternity leave/stay at home mum.

How do you feel about him going off on holiday and leaving you to it?

Bennifred

BunnieJ wrote: »

.............................................................He has said if we were to have children, things would be different as there would be other people involved in our relationship, and he wouldn't expect me to carry on working or live with no money. He said he would financially provide for the family if and when I was on maternity leave/stay at home mum.

Big of him. :mad:


This sounds like a very unequal relationship to me. I wonder how his parents organised things - maybe he gets his views from them?

LannieDuck

OP, take yourself over to the debt-free wannabe section of the boards and post a SOA (statement of affairs - all your incomings and outgoings). The lovely people there will help you organise a budget that allows you to pay back a set amount each month and still be able to cover your outgoings.

You need to get your finances into a position where he's not 'subbing' you any more. Regardless of whether he should be more understanding about it, it's obviously causing bad feeling.

System

I think he wants a housemate/live in lover/someone to split the bills with rather than a genuine relationship.


Either that or he really doesn't have a clue.

Pollycat

BunnieJ wrote: »

Regarding moving costs:

I believe this was the cost of the agency admin fees, first months rent in advance, deposit money, essential larger household items we needed to by for the flat etc. I have asked him to explain this all to me for my budget before I start paying large amounts of money into his account! :doh:

You believe......?

I'd be wanting to see all bills itemised before I paid him a penny back.

BunnieJ wrote: »

He has said if we were to have children, things would be different as there would be other people involved in our relationship, and he wouldn't expect me to carry on working or live with no money. He said he would financially provide for the family if and when I was on maternity leave/stay at home mum.

It's very easy for him to say 'things would be different' but from what you've already posted, I personally have serious doubts that he actually means it.

It wouldn't surprise me if 'financially providing for the family' meant him keeping a very firm hold of the purse strings and doling out pocket money for you.