Arguing over money!

BunnieJ

I have known my OH for about 8 years (since we were 16-17) and have been with him for 6 years.

After university, we moved back home to live with our parents (near London), then he was offered a job with a large company in Bristol (where he went to uni). So, for the last 3 years we have had a LDR and had to deal with it's ups and downs.

Then, last September his tenancy - he lived with 2 work colleagues - was due to end so he asked me to move down to live with him. As I was only working a part-time job I agreed to look for work in Bristol and I got a full-time position and moved in with him at the end of September.

As I had been out of work/could then only find a part-time job, I didn't have any money or savings left and had to wait 6 weeks before I got my first payslip. This meant he had to use his money/savings to pay for everything (admin fees, deposits, rent, all bills etc). During this time I felt awful that he had to pay for everything and said I would pay him back as soon as I started earning, but he assured me it wasn't an issue.

Unfortuately, my employers were total t**ts and never paid me the correct amount of money each month so I was always behind on pay, living on my credit card/overdraft/OH money. Then along came trips to the dentist, car expenses, Christmas etc. and I had no spare cash to start paying him back.

My company has since been taken over, and I have finally been paid the correct amount (after 6 months of working!) so I can start paying him back.

The problem is, he earns significantly more than me and everytime I spend money (not THAT often, usually things I need) I can see he's judging me. This weekend it all came to a head when my friend from home visited and we went shopping. I bought a cardigan, dress and a belt for under £20 and all of which I needed. I also needed shoes as my old ones had a hole in the bottom, but I couldn't find any in my price range. I felt really embaressed the whole time I was shopping as I had to make excuses to my friend as to why I was buying cheaper items.

When I got home my OH and I had a huge argument about me buying clothes, which ended in us both getting extremely upset. :mad:

I've never had any trouble with money before, including uni (I was never a "poor student"), as I always worked over the holidays and saved up money for the next term. I've always managed to save a bit of money (for driving lessons or emergencies etc), but my last period of unemployment wiped them out :-(

It's only now I seem to never have any money, and he's always saying I'm s**t at budgeting etc when I know I'm not!

I now owe him around £2000 due to costs of moving in etc.

:eek:

I'm currently trying to set up a budget and payment plan so I can pay him back the money.

This argument also brought up some bigger issues about our relationship and our opinions regarding money/marriage/travelling/buying a house...

Help needed!

Sorry for the long post...I needed to rant

BitterAndTwisted

If you really do owe him two grand then a budget and payment-plan is what you need to do, and then stick to it.

Regardless of whether he earns a great deal more than you and what your pay-back arrangement was, I can see his point (a bit) and that's that you spend money on yourself when you are in debt to him. I've been on the other side of this and can tell you that resentment can easily be built up when someone owes money and doesn't make any effort to pay it back while they're lavishing money on themselves.

If he earns "significantly more" than you are your contributions to the rent and bills calculated as a percentage according to what you earn rather than 50/50? If not, they should be.

CH27

I'd be pretty piddled off if my OH was buying clothes & shoes when he owed me £2000.
Pay your debts off ASAP.

dandelionclock30

He sounds a bit of a tXXt be be honest, yes you owe him money but is he such a miser that he would rather see you wearing shoes with holes than decent ones.
What I would think about is paying him back and in the meantime really thinking about if hes the man for you.In reality he shouldnt be judging you when you buy necessities really should he?

fivetide

Wow. Been together six years and he's that desperate for cash?

Does he squeak when he walks?

Sounds a bit controlling to me and there is a lack of understanding on his part. By all means get a budget plan together but at the same time, make sure you include a clothes budget etc for yourself.

I'd be tempted to leave out his birthday etc too. You know he wouldn't want you buying him anything nice with his own money or anything would he...?

Idiophreak

Get the payment plan drawn up and agreed. Then, as long as you've paid the amount agreed, you can do what you want with your money. Sorted.

rach_k

I definitely agree about paying your share of the bills etc in proportion to what you earn. If in 5 years time you are earning more than him, it'd work the other way round too.

Person_one

You owe him for the costs of moving in with him? Surely that's a joint decision and a joint cost?

You've been together six years, you live together, he earns significantly more than you, yet he seems happy to watch you struggle while he's sitting pretty. This is not good!

How committed to each other are you? Do you want to be in a true partnership?

BunnieJ

He's actually very generous when it comes to money. He's not a cheapskate generally speaking. He always offers to pay for things and buys me nice gifts on birthdays/special occasions. I understand why he gets annoyed when he sees me buying things, and I totally get why he would. But lots of these things are essentials for me, I've been cutting back on alot to try and spend less money (quit the gym, walk instead of drive, take packed lunch to work).

Equally, it annoys me when he knows I don't have much money and am embarrassed shopping with friends, yet he's going on 2 holidays with his friends this year! How can he be so desperate for me to pay him back when he's spending on holidays not even for both of us!

Currently we each put half our salaries per month into the pot for rent, food, bills etc. I don't have a problem with this as we're equally losing half our money. Although it took alot of arguing on my part to agree that it wouldn't be equally split! :-s

The original plan was for me to pay him an extra £100 per month to start clearing my "debt" with him, but this went out of the window when I was getting paid incorrectly and, after forking out my half of the bills and my own personal bills (phone, car insurance, gym etc), I had barely any money left :-(

I'm really grateful that he's helped with my money situation, but now it's causing arguments every time I do anything.

I would eventually like to get married, buy a house etc, but even when we've discussed this he doesn't think we should equally share our money into into a joint account. I have no problem with him having what's mine as I love him and we are basically like a married couple anyway. He just doesn't feel the same way about it...

Mojisola

BunnieJ wrote: »

I would eventually like to get married, buy a house etc, but even when we've discussed this he doesn't think we should equally share our money into into a joint account. I have no problem with him having what's mine as I love him and we are basically like a married couple anyway. He just doesn't feel the same way about it...

The only advantage to getting married to him is that you would come out of a divorce better than him.

There are much nicer men around.

moneyistooshorttomention

Excuse me!...but HE asked you to come and join him in HIS area. Has he shown any appreciation at all for you having been the one to "throw your whole life up in the air" and move area or hasn't he?

Personally, I'd be expecting to have gained a lot of brownie points in any relationship I had ever been if I had been the one to do the moving to a different area because of the relationship. A job, after all, to most of us is just a means of earning our income. Moving area involves a lot more than just changing jobs. Having just done so myself recently....I don't think I appreciated just how different things could be in many ways. You are the one making "moving area" adjustments...new friends to get, new places to check out, different level of facilities to what you are used to, etc, etc.

Well....has he?