Arguing over money!

sazpot

I have moved a fair few times due to my boyfriends work relocations which has resulted in huge ups and downs in my salary. To give you an idea, I seem to have been about £10k down this tax year on previous years.

We have been together 7 years and don't have a joint account or set amounts we contribute for anything but my bank balance has always been known to him and when I haven't had much he has always paid for everything with no question or expectation of me paying him back.

He sees his promotion and extra money as having come at a cost to me and considers my sacrifices to be my contribution. Ultimately I only have what I have and he would never want to see me go without due to my reduced salary if he can afford to provide for me.

He would also prefer to pay double for things than do them without me.

We also always consider commuting costs to be part of joint house hold expenses.

You are making me feel very lucky!

Your boyfriend was going to have to pay moving fees with or without you, him asking you to move just gave him the opportunity to make you responsible for half. If he knew you couldn't afford it and you haven't been able to pay him back for reasons other then you being frivolous he should be more understanding.

Are you completely open with him about your finances? Does he really understand that you are struggling and have holes in your shoes?

I hope you have some luck getting him to understand that your money isn't stretching far enough to pay him back soon without you giving up essentials and can come to a happy agreement

Person_one

BunnieJ wrote: »

He's actually very generous when it comes to money. He's not a cheapskate generally speaking. He always offers to pay for things and buys me nice gifts on birthdays/special occasions. I understand why he gets annoyed when he sees me buying things, and I totally get why he would. But lots of these things are essentials for me, I've been cutting back on alot to try and spend less money (quit the gym, walk instead of drive, take packed lunch to work).

Equally, it annoys me when he knows I don't have much money and am embarrassed shopping with friends, yet he's going on 2 holidays with his friends this year! How can he be so desperate for me to pay him back when he's spending on holidays not even for both of us!

Currently we each put half our salaries per month into the pot for rent, food, bills etc. I don't have a problem with this as we're equally losing half our money. Although it took alot of arguing on my part to agree that it wouldn't be equally split! :-s

The original plan was for me to pay him an extra £100 per month to start clearing my "debt" with him, but this went out of the window when I was getting paid incorrectly and, after forking out my half of the bills and my own personal bills (phone, car insurance, gym etc), I had barely any money left :-(

I'm really grateful that he's helped with my money situation, but now it's causing arguments every time I do anything.

I would eventually like to get married, buy a house etc, but even when we've discussed this he doesn't think we should equally share our money into into a joint account. I have no problem with him having what's mine as I love him and we are basically like a married couple anyway. He just doesn't feel the same way about it...

So he thinks its acceptable that he has a much nicer lifestyle than you, even though you're supposed to love each other and be partners?

Why do you want to marry him? Could you live like that for the rest of your life? What if you had children, and he had to support you while you were on maternity leave, would you have to pay him that back too?

Sorry, but he sounds selfish, and unwilling or not ready to fully share his life with someone.

dandelionclock30

So hes going on 2 holidays with his mates and hes moaning that you are buying shoes for yourself!!. Thats speaks volumes, if he loved you then you would be number 1 in his life not being with the lads.I'm not saying people shouldnt go on holidays with their friends when they have a partner but 2!!.
You really need to seriously think about what happens if you have kids with him or hit a problem and cant work. Is he going to be getting the calculator out then?
I'm sorry but his actions show that he really doesnt think much of you. Best thing you could do is move on.

Mojisola

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

So hes going on 2 holidays with his mates and hes moaning that you are buying shoes for yourself!!. Thats speaks volumes, if he loved you then you would be number 1 in his life not being with the lads.
You really need to seriously think about what happens if you have kids with him or hit a problem and cant work. Is he going to be getting the calculator out then?
I'm sorry but his actions show that he really doesnt think much of you.

I'm not sure we can say that but he is treating the OP more like a flatmate than a life partner.

FBaby

So he thinks its acceptable that he has a much nicer lifestyle than you, even though you're supposed to love each other and be partners?

I suspect that's not what the issue is but the fact that OP is prioritising paying things before paying back on the agreement that had quite some time ago. It's not because you have more money that your partner that you shouldn't feel obliged to repay what you've agree to pay. If OP considered that their relationship was at the stage of sharing all their finances, then she should have made it clear that she didn't think she should be expected to repay what he contributed for her.

I personally don't see that moving in with your partner meaning that you suddenly have to share all your finances. That would be the next stage and only if I could be reassured that I could trust my partner with money.

OP, I understand how your boyfriend feels. Prioritise you debt towards him, and don't delay budgeting and showing him that you can be good with money.

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

Why not get looking for a better job then you can earn more money.

Person_one

Ronaldo_Mconaldo wrote: »

Why not get looking for a better job then you can earn more money.

That'd be a really good way of temporarily masking all the issues in the relationship.

lee111s

You owe him £2000. Pay it. He can spend HIS money on what he likes in the same vein that you seem to do so.

Beckyy

I totally understand that everybody's relationships are different, especially money wise but I find it a bit odd keeping tabs on how much partners owe each other, especially when it dates back years. It doesn't sound like he feels you're already living like you're married.

OP, if you don't mind sharing how much money do you have left after you've paid your half towards the bills and any other bills/expenses?

belfastgirl23

It seems to me that you aren't doing a great job on communicating with each other about this.

The first question is are you earning enough to meet your obligations? I appreciate all the mucking about with tax codes etc but surely if you are earning enough you should be due a rebate that would mean you could repay the £2k. If you aren't due a rebate then you have been living above your means. I don't necessarily mean you're living high on the hog by the way just that you can't afford to live the way you have been living. If this is the case then you need to take a long hard look at your current lifestyle and see what can be cut.

The second issue is to do with your boyfriend. He feels for whatever reason that you aren't stepping up and taking responsibility for your debt. I'm conscious that this is just one side of the story. I understand the issue with shoes. But do you have a history of overspending or reckless spending that would make your boyfriend feel upset about this? (seeing the word Christmas in there rang a few alarm bells). You don't need to answer here but you need to be honest with yourself about this. Underneath it all I think you feel that the debt should be somehow shared. But you haven't communicated this properly to him. You need to find a way to talk about this calmly and agree.

For now, given that your income has stabilised you need to sit down and do a budget. One that involves buying things like new shoes. But also involves paying off your boyfriend. There may be implications for your joint lifestyle. Then you need to talk to him about this, calmly and rationally and without any emotion if possible. My experience is that you need to set the tone for discussions such as this and you probably need to keep it factual.

Good luck.