Arguing over money!

poet123

Tink2 wrote: »

He does the chores as I am unwell

So, does he send you a bill for housekeeping duties? I would.;)

Tink2

Mojisola wrote: »

But he'd never be able to pay his way or pay back what he owes you.

Surely he would get some sort of sickness benefit? That would be put towards the bills

FBaby

You can be with someone for 8 years and live together without being in a committed relationship. It's committed once it's been made clear that it is. A week after I moved with my ex he told me that he owed £2000 which was quite a shock as that was a lot of money at the time. I was committed and so thought it would be OK. 6 years later it became over £45k. I would think £20k is a massive amount of money and at OP's age I would have struggled to sleep knowing I owed so much money.

It sounds like a case when OP's boyfriend is very close to his money whilst OP is much more care free hence the disagreements.

BunnieJ

Hi everyone, thanks for all the help and advice :-)

I don't think I have explained myself very well, so I will try and make more sense this time! I wasn't intending to make my OH sound like a huge a*se!

Been with my OH for 6 years, most of this time we have been in a LDR (him living with housemates in Bristol, me living with parents in London).

6 Months ago (end of September) I got a job in Bristol and moved in with him into a 2 bed flat. He earns more than I do, so we agreed to each take half our monthly wage and add it to the "pot" for all household bills (tv, internet, food shopping, electric, rent etc). BUT that did take alot of persuasion on my part as OH originally wanted to split bills equally between us.

I currently earn around £13.5k per year, he earns around £25k+ but isn't paid a "salary" as such as he works for a contractor for a large IT company.

In Dec 2012 I lost my full-time job and had to use any money I had to live off (JSA is next to nothing, parents don't have alot of money so couldn't bail me out, not that they should have to) and as such wiped out all my savings. I then found a part-time admin job, so I was earning more money than JSA and enough to survive, but not enough to start building up my savings again. Alot of both our money was spent seeing each other on weekends (petrol, train tickets and so on...)

I had been fed up of still living at home/being in a LDR/only working part-time, so when the opportunity to move in with my OH came along I took it. He KNEW I didn't have any savings or money to put towards moving costs and I said I would be willing to pay my share when I was earning enough. Unfortuanely due to my employers being completely useless I was never paid correctly (I was being paid for 30hr/week when I was working a 35hr job), so I have never been in the postion to start paying him back.

Let me make one thing clear:

I HAVE NEVER, EVER BEEN IN DEBT BEFORE! :mad:

Apart from having a student loan (which I don't earn over £15k to start paying it back yet) I have no debts. I've never had a credit card, loan, car finance or anything else you can think of! I recently took out a credit card that was offered to me with my bank account but only use it for online shopping (safer) and emergency bills e.g. dentist or car repairs. He has no previous reason to distrust me/think I can't handle money. I'm not 'carefree' about my money, but my view is if I earnt it I can spend it.


I slightly over-estimated how much I owe him, it's actually around £1700 not £2000, which is for moving costs and a joint holiday (V Festival tickets). I'm currently working on a budget/payment plan and have made alot of cutbacks of my personal expenses.

After discussing this issue with him, he said he wasn't angry about me spending money (£20) on clothes (I needed) as I can do what I want with my money, he was more p***ed off that he had asked me for some extra money and I said I couldn't give him any at the time. This might be me being a b**ch, but I don't see how an extra £20 that day was helping him :huh:

It's just his opinions on money really upset me! I WILL pay him back when I can, but I don't need him on my back all the time making me feel awful about doing anything

As for the brownie points somebody mentioned for uprooting my whole life to move to a new place for him, he just thinks I'm using it as an excuse and argues my life is better now, so it doesn't matter?!

We have discussed marriage, children, buying a house etc (not that either of us are ready yet) and he says he would still keep our finances separate. Based on the main relationships I know (my parents) they share EVERYTHING! So, it kind of comes across to me a petty/selfish/uncommited when he's not willing to share...

He doesn't earn loads of money, just more in comparision to me. I'm not expecting him to look after me or let me use his money whenever I want, just to be a bit more equal and supportive towards each other.

I hope that all made sense!

poet123

I will say it again, he is not a keeper. If you have these issues now they will become greater when you have children, a house, etc.

balletshoes

poet123 wrote: »

I will say it again, he is not a keeper. If you have these issues now they will become greater when you have children, a house, etc.

i agree with this.

Bunnie, how long have you been working on a payment plan? It doesn't take long - half an hour once you have your incomings and outgoings written down. As far as £1700 you owe goes, and your bf's attitude to it, the sooner you get that plan done and start paying regular payments, the sooner that part of the issue in your relationship will go away.

I'm not saying everything in the garden will be rosy afterwards, because I don't think you guys are compatible, but at least the debt will be repaid. You keep saying you're making a plan to repay, you'll do it when you can - but whats stopping you doing it now? Today?

dandelionclock30

Get rid of him now and leave him to his miserly ways.
He is being a right control freak now, honestly do you not think you deserve better than this.

BunnieJ

I made an estimated plan whilst work was quiet yesterday afternoon. I couldn't be exact as I don't have my payslip yet (our company got taken over and I might actually have been paid correctly for once). I reckon if I live frugally I can pay him back:

£100/month for the moving costs
£50/month over 4 months for the V Festival tickets (they were £200)

This would obviously be subject to change if I got a better paid job (I'm looking) or if I had any unexpected financial changes.

The thing is he's not a cheapskate in any way (pays for dinner out, day trips, petrol etc. without expecting me to pay him back) :-/

lee111s

I think you're all being harsh saying he's not a keeper and that he shouldn't expect the money back.

Where do you draw the line? Say her car breaks down and she needs to borrow another £1500 to repair it, would thay be written off too? As the Op has said, if she was owed £2k she'd be miffed if it wasn't repaid. Why is it any different just because he makes more money.

A bank makes a lot more money than I do and I have to pay back debts when money is borrowed. On your reasoning they should just forget about it.

I own my own house and my girlfriend lives with me. If she needed to borrow such a sum of money it wouldn't be a problem but I'd expect it to be paid back when possible. £2000 is a lot of money when you run a house on your own (she's currently doing her masters do does not pay any money towards bills as she only works 8 hours per week).

Flugelhorn

Just leave a few pregnancy testing kits around the house - that will give him a wake up call about sharing finances.