Arguing over money!

System

I don't know what is right or wrong but I find it hard to reconcile the fact that two people in a long term relationship have enough funds in the household yet one is struggling and the other is comfortable. It just doesn't make sense to me.

BitterAndTwisted

Pollycat wrote: »

You believe......?

I'd be wanting to see all bills itemised before I paid him a penny back.

Yes, so would I. The deposit for the new property would have been lodged in the name of the "lead tenant" and that is the party who it will be returned to at the end of the tenancy. I suspect that person is not the OP so the OP does not owe half of it to the boyfriend. That should knock off a fair percentage of the total "owed".

His tenancy with his pals ended. He would have needed to find alternative accommodation whether the OP went down to Bristol to join him or not. That she went down there with no job to go to while incurring costs for a share of the rent and bills doesn't seem to have earned her any Brownie Points with him at all.

None of that would have set me on fire but hearing that he's planning TWO HOLIDAYS with his chums rather than the person who is supposed to be sharing his life with him has.

This doesn't sound like a committed partnership to me but flatmates who happen to be sharing a bed.

BunnieJ

Thanks for the advice, I will do an SOA on the other board

As I said before, he's not a miser in any way. He offers to pay for things and knows I earn less than he does and can't afford the same things he can.

I just want to get rid of this debt as quickly as I can as it's causing such bad feeling between us!

With regards to his holidays, I generally don't have a problem with him going away with his mates. He isn't bothered if I go away with the girls either (not that I have the money to go on holiday). He did invite me to the Centre Parks break he is going on in Oct, but I declined as I didn't have the money and letting him pay for me would only increase my debts to him *sigh*. Tbh I wasn't keen on going, but wasn't too bothered that he was going without me. We don't always have to do everything together.

He did suggest we go on holiday as he was going to Centre Parks and on a foreign holiday with his friends, but there wasn't anything around in our price range, and again I would be relying on him to fund the trip until I could pay him back! :-s

I don't see myself as the type of gf that would stop him going anywhere with his friends, or act like a spoiled brat about going on holiday. We compromised on going to the V Festival (I really wanted to go, our friends and his brother are also going with us) but he had to pay for both of us.

After a heated discussion of finances the other night, he said that he wanted to keep things separate because it would be alot easier if we ever broke up/got divorced. His parents got married and started a family young (early 20s) and when they got divorced he said his dad put his mum in the s**t and left her with nothing...

I'm sure this is a contributing factor as to why he has such a strong opinion of keeping our money separate, but up until now I've/we've never had any money issues that would ring alarm bells for the other person.

paulineb_2

BunnieJ wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, I will do an SOA on the other board

As I said before, he's not a miser in any way. He offers to pay for things and knows I earn less than he does and can't afford the same things he can.

I just want to get rid of this debt as quickly as I can as it's causing such bad feeling between us!

With regards to his holidays, I generally don't have a problem with him going away with his mates. He isn't bothered if I go away with the girls either (not that I have the money to go on holiday). He did invite me to the Centre Parks break he is going on in Oct, but I declined as I didn't have the money and letting him pay for me would only increase my debts to him *sigh*. Tbh I wasn't keen on going, but wasn't too bothered that he was going without me. We don't always have to do everything together.

He did suggest we go on holiday as he was going to Centre Parks and on a foreign holiday with his friends, but there wasn't anything around in our price range, and again I would be relying on him to fund the trip until I could pay him back! :-s

I don't see myself as the type of gf that would stop him going anywhere with his friends, or act like a spoiled brat about going on holiday. We compromised on going to the V Festival (I really wanted to go, our friends and his brother are also going with us) but he had to pay for both of us.

After a heated discussion of finances the other night, he said that he wanted to keep things separate because it would be alot easier if we ever broke up/got divorced. His parents got married and started a family young (early 20s) and when they got divorced he said his dad put his mum in the s**t and left her with nothing...

I'm sure this is a contributing factor as to why he has such a strong opinion of keeping our money separate, but up until now I've/we've never had any money issues that would ring alarm bells for the other person.

I think the fact that the debt causing bad feeling isn't a good sign at all.

As has already been said, you did him a favour by moving in with him when his flatmates left.

If he had struggled to find new flatmates he would have been carrying the finances on his own anyway.

He's going on a foreign holiday with his mates and you are sitting at home skint? Its not just about stopping someone going away with their friends or anyone having problems doing their own thing.

Hes upset because you replace a pair of shoes and hes going on a foreign holiday without you.

Why does everything need to be chalked up into a "debt" anyway. Why cant it be, he pays when he can afford and you pay when you are back on your feet financially? The fact that if he spends money on you its "debt" rather than something you'll pay for at a later date, its not really a good sign.

I think if this is causing bad feeling, dont ignore the bad feeling, because I think theres a lot more to whats wrong with your relationship right now than this 2 grand debt. I also second that you get a proper itemised record of what you owe or what you don't owe and dont take his word that its a certain figure until youve seen it all on black and white.

Pollycat

BunnieJ wrote: »

After a heated discussion of finances the other night, he said that he wanted to keep things separate because it would be alot easier if we ever broke up/got divorced. His parents got married and started a family young (early 20s) and when they got divorced he said his dad put his mum in the s**t and left her with nothing...

Oh dear.
Just Oh dear.

So his Dad left his Mum with nothing.
Can you not see a pattern here?

And you are seriously considering a future with this man.......?

BunnieJ wrote: »

I'm sure this is a contributing factor as to why he has such a strong opinion of keeping our money separate, but up until now I've/we've never had any money issues that would ring alarm bells for the other person.

Can't you hear those alarm bells ringing now?

I can and they're bloody deafening.

FBaby

I think he is a very sensible and responsible man and therefore a good catch. You say he is generous and he has said he would expect things to be didn't if you had children. Frankly I just feel from your posts that he doesn't YET trust you in terms of money management. You seem to be sorting things out now but he probably expected all this sooner. I think once you start paying him back regularly and stick to your budget he will start to relax. And don't forget not to agree to anything you are not prepared to honour. If you don't think you should have to pay for something tell him the and then rather than agreeing to repay it and then resenting him for expecting repayments.

Manchee

Can I just ask, these costs for moving that you owe your SO, is that the entire amount that was paid or is it half (so moving costs were 3 and a half grand in total)? Is he making you pay for the entire move?

FBaby

alsoanewuser wrote: »

I know it's April Fools Day but seriously???

Yes seriously. I think when you've experienced sharing life with someone who is not good with budgeting when tout are yourself you become more careful. Some people despise the prospect of being into debts. I would personally feel very uneasy if I owed £1700 and that's with earning a lot more than OP. Different people have different mindsets when it comes to debt and it seems to me as if OP partner is much more cautious. There is also the fact we only get one side of the story and as we've discovered recently in one thread when the partner came to light the whole story changed significantly.

Sandstone

It's very easy for strangers on the internet to shout about leaving him and alarm bells. Treat everything you read with a dose of common sense.

If you love each other, you need to communicate with each other and work out your issues. As one other person posted, communication is key.

Choose a moment when you are both is a peaceful and relaxed state of mind. Try and see what the other person is feeling, rather than just the words they are saying.

For him, I would guess that he can understand that some purchases are costs, not treats. For you, try to avoid feeling defensive or inadequate for earning less or owing him.

As a potential fix, perhaps it might be super-generous of him to accommodate your current financial position by taking on a larger share of the bills? For example, 75%? This way, (1) you can pay him back faster, which will improve the health of your relationship, (2) you can demonstrate your financial maturity and (3) he can reflect his appreciation for the fact that you uprooted your (debt-free) life just to be together with him.
With my partner, we decided that I would pay for groceries and eating out, since my partner cooks for us most days. It seems to work for us.

Obviously, if you try this, be careful that the conversation seems like a natural collaboration and not a request for money. Ideally, you could try and get him to come up with the idea himself.

Finally... if you don't love each other, or can't see yourselves staying together forever, you should consider moving on. That goes for him too, obviously. There's no need to stay just because of your history, or finances.

Good luck!

Beckyy

So were the moving costs split in relation to what you were earning, like your bills currently are? Or just 50/50?

In a relationship you're a team and as long as it gets paid for and thing are generally equal in relation to earnings then it just seem odd and more of a flatmate set up than one of life partners.

If we wanted to go to V and OH couldn't afford a ticket I'd pay for his, and vice versa. I wouldn't expect a penny from him because he's my OH and you share costs, not my mate who just couldn't afford a ticket (in which case I would expect it back).

I agree you should be careful with joint finances in a new relationship (and maybe this feels new to him now you've living together) however if you're still keeping things separate after 6 years 'just in case' then it's really not a great sign, and I'd be worried he would never be willing to commit. What would happen if you lost your job, or your situation changed again?

Pay him back OP, but I'd be wary of the lack of commitment after 6 years together.