Arguing over money!

BunnieJ

When I met my wife she wasn't earning, she was fresh out of university and looking for her first real job. We dated and eventually moved in together when her tenancy ended. I paid for almost everything, rent, food, bills, drinks, clothes and I gave her cash so she could have a little independence. She was reluctant to receiving help and always said she would pay me back but I thought that rather than keep tabs and a spread sheet it was much simpler toforget it, she was my girlfriend, I loved her so I wouldn’t want her to feel indebted, in fact I didn’t even think or worry about it. She got a job and eventually we got married. Ironically she inherited some money from her parents which enabled us to buy a house outright. She didn’t insist I pay half or set up a mortgage agreement between us, she shared because that’s what people who are committed to each other do.

I completely agree that this is the way things should have been done. Just a shame my OH doesn't see it the way I do

Seems to me that there are several issues at play here. His frustration at you not paying him back (and I won't go into the rights and wrongs about that situation), and your hurt feelings at what you perceive to be a lack of commitment from him. Whether financial or emotional. Am I right??

Yes. There are other issues with our relationship that we need to address, but atm the main problem causing us upset and arguments is money.

Honestly you sound more like flatmates than a couple living together.
Why would someone want to go on two holidays without a significant other and not even suggest a weekend away for the two of you to balance things out ?

Tbf, he did invite me to Centre Parks, but I declined as I didn't want to spend money I didn't have/borrow money from him. Also, they're his friends and I would rather spend my money on a holiday just for us.

You don't sound happy at all. are there any positives at all in this relationship?

He makes me laugh, I'm pysically attracted to him, we have fun together, we never really argue (except for this recent money issue...:mad:) And,like I said before, he's not a cheapskate in any other way. We go out, have dinner, go to the cinema, meet up with friends, go shopping like most couples would and he never expects me to pay/pay him back afterwards. Equally, if I earned more money I would pay for him

I do think you need to take a step back and ask yourself if your best friend was in the same set of circumstances.......what you'd be thinking and saying to them ?

My friend is going through a similar problem with being in an unhappy relationship, unfortunately for my OH, my advice to her was effectively: he needs to shape up or he needs to ship out! _pale_

FBaby

I will state again for the record I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN ANY DEBT BEFORE

But you have been since you've moved in with him and that's what might be worrying him. As someone has written, maybe that's what worries him, that you are becoming dependent on him, that deep inside, you might be thinking that you don't really intend on repaying it.

Maybe he was understanding when you were not paid properly and assumed that the second you got the money they owed you, you would finally paid a huge chunk of it to repay what you owed him. You mention Christmas as something that got in the way, maybe he considered that repaying him would come before Christmas presents.

In the end, it does sound like you are not in the same place commitment wise. He is wary whilst you would like things to move quicker. Maybe it is just not working out for either of you.

paulineb_2

Shes in debt because she moved in with him by the sounds of things.

FBaby

I completely agree that this is the way things should have been done. Just a shame my OH doesn't see it the way I do

So really, that's what ultimately you were hoping for. It's not about the money itself but about your relationship as a whole and you thinking that you are at a stage further advance than he might consider. Or maybe it considers that if you promised you would pay him back, you should honour it because otherwise, how can he trust that you can keep your promises?

BunnieJ

But you have been since you've moved in with him and that's what might be worrying him. As someone has written, maybe that's what worries him, that you are becoming dependent on him, that deep inside, you might be thinking that you don't really intend on repaying it.

I have assured him that I have every intention of paying him the money back, I just can't do it in large lump sums of money :-( Of course I would if I could, that way we'd both be happy; he'd get his money back and I'd no longer be in debt. Unfortunately I can't do that at the moment.

Shes in debt because she moved in with him by the sounds of things.

I am in debt because I moved out of my parents home to live with my OH. I'm not saying that any of this is his fault or blaming him, I just thought as we have been in a long term commited relationship he might be a bit more understanding of my situation :-s

So really, that's what ultimately you were hoping for. It's not about the money itself but about your relationship as a whole and you thinking that you are at a stage further advance than he might consider.

I agreed to pay my part of the moving/setting up the flat costs as my OH was using his savings and it didn't seem fair that he had to fork out for everything. I (perhaps naively) thought that paying him back what I could afford, when I could afford it would be ok with him. I didn't take into account not getting paid correctly etc which lead to me getting into more money problems.

I can't say what would have happened if I hadn't offered to pay half, or if I had refused to contribute...

FBaby

Could the disagreement be that he thought/expected that you would repay at least some of it when your job finally paid what they owed you?

BunnieJ

Could the disagreement be that he thought/expected that you would repay at least some of it when your job finally paid what they owed you?

I know that he expected some money when I finally got paid correctly (this month) and hopefully I can give him some extra money. I know I definately will be able to start paying him back next month and I have told him this.

It's getting to the point I'd rather just stay in and do nothing and just give all my wages to him so he'll get off my case and won't have any reason to be annoyed at me spending money, whether neccessary or for pleasure.

But is this the way to feel in a committed relationship?

duchy

BunnieJ wrote: »

But is this the way to feel in a committed relationship?

What do you think ?


Can I ask what your social life is like ?
Do you have friends of your own or just your boyfriend's friends?
When you move to a new area it can be quite challenging.

Abbafan1972

Hi there OP, is he constantly on your case?

I couldn't live with a partner who constantly obsesses about money.

Personally I would walk......

Person_one

BunnieJ wrote: »

I know that he expected some money when I finally got paid correctly (this month) and hopefully I can give him some extra money. I know I definately will be able to start paying him back next month and I have told him this.

It's getting to the point I'd rather just stay in and do nothing and just give all my wages to him so he'll get off my case and won't have any reason to be annoyed at me spending money, whether neccessary or for pleasure.

But is this the way to feel in a committed relationship?

No, its really not.

I can't get over the fact that he's just billing you for the moving expenses without even being clear about what exactly they were. You shouldn't be paying half the deposit, thats still technically his money and he'll get it all back, its just being looked after by somebody else for a while.

The fact that you aren't having a holiday together because it would mean you being more in debt to him and feeling worse and worse about it is so sad I just wish you were my friend in real life so I could help more!

He cares more about money than he cares about you.