Arguing over money!

swampduck

Just out of interest what would have happened if you and your fella had stayed in a long distance relationship? He would have had to foot all the bills by himself anyway!!
But that said - it seems to me that he begrudged all the costs of setting up home with you (despite what he says about being willing to do so in the first place.)
Maybe it's me just being mercenary but it appears that he just wanted to someone to share the costs of a home because he had got used to sharing theses costs while at uni with some mates rather than setting up a home with the one he preumably loves with a view to the future!!

Swampy

alleycat`

I'm not going to get into who i think is right or wrong as "he" isn't on here to put forward his side of the story nor do i think you come across that badly either.

So lets take "money" and "who's doing what" and get down to the nub.

You've agreed to something and due to various circumstances you are struggling to meet that agreement.

The logical thing to do is sit down and draw up your budget and work through this with your other half and demonstrate what you can reasonably afford.

I suspect the amount isn't the problem at all but the "appearance" of not trying (sorry if that sounds harsh).

duchy

Honestly you sound more like flatmates than a couple living together.
Why would someone want to go on two holidays without a significant other and not even suggest a weekend away for the two of you to balance things out ?

As things stand at the moment I don't think you should be paying him your share of the deposit until everything else is cleared off the "debt" and then make a final payment of the deposit in one lump-paid into his bank account clearly marked 50% deposit for Flat 2 Acacia House .... It's the only way to secure that money.

Has he ever discussed about how he feels about his Dad leaving his mother (and presumably the children of the marriage which included him) with nothing ? My ex had a lousy role model for a father too -and despite claiming he was nothing like him -ended up acting exactly as his father did when it came to relationships sadly.

I do think you need to take a step back and ask yourself if your best friend was in the same set of circumstances.......what you'd be thinking and saying to them ?

BunnieJ

I'm working harder at "appearing" to be paying him back what owe him (if that makes sense?). I now just want the debt cleared as soon as possible so I can get rid of this guilty feeling everytime I spend money :-(

There are alot of other issues going on in our relationship tbh, not just money. I have found that all them men in his family (that I know of, his dad and two older brothers) do what they want. No matter how much the may be in right or wrong or who they ask for advice, THEY will do what THEY want.

:-/

tayforth

BunnieJ wrote: »

You've hit the nail on the head there! I know how fraustrated he must be feeling with me oweing him and not being able to pay him back atm, but to me it just feels like a lack of/or no willingness for commitment :-(

I totally understand where you're coming from here, but after 6 years I'm getting pretty fed up of "I'm not ready to make that step"...

Seems to me that there are several issues at play here. His frustration at you not paying him back (and I won't go into the rights and wrongs about that situation), and your hurt feelings at what you perceive to be a lack of commitment from him. Whether financial or emotional. Am I right??

tayforth

BunnieJ wrote: »

I'm working harder at "appearing" to be paying him back what owe him (if that makes sense?). I now just want the debt cleared as soon as possible so I can get rid of this guilty feeling everytime I spend money :-(

There are alot of other issues going on in our relationship tbh, not just money. I have found that all them men in his family (that I know of, his dad and two older brothers) do what they want. No matter how much the may be in right or wrong or who they ask for advice, THEY will do what THEY want.

:-/

Sorry, I missed this post while I was posting mine.

paulineb_2

BunnieJ wrote: »

I'm working harder at "appearing" to be paying him back what owe him (if that makes sense?). I now just want the debt cleared as soon as possible so I can get rid of this guilty feeling everytime I spend money :-(

There are alot of other issues going on in our relationship tbh, not just money. I have found that all them men in his family (that I know of, his dad and two older brothers) do what they want. No matter how much the may be in right or wrong or who they ask for advice, THEY will do what THEY want.

:-/

Well maybe you need to have a think about whether, money aside, you are actually happy in this relationship.

Pollycat

BunnieJ wrote: »

There are alot of other issues going on in our relationship tbh, not just money. I have found that all them men in his family (that I know of, his dad and two older brothers) do what they want. No matter how much the may be in right or wrong or who they ask for advice, THEY will do what THEY want.

:-/

Seriously.

Run as fast as you can

Indie_Kid

You don't sound happy at all. are there any positives at all in this relationship?

jumperjohn

Hello!

A man's point and my experience.

When I met my wife she wasn't earning, she was fresh out of university and looking for her first real job. We dated and eventually moved in together when her tenancy ended. I paid for almost everything, rent, food, bills, drinks, clothes and I gave her cash so she could have a little independence. She was reluctant to receiving help and always said she would pay me back but I thought that rather than keep tabs and a spread sheet it was much simpler toforget it, she was my girlfriend, I loved her so I wouldn’t want her to feel indebted, in fact I didn’t even think or worry about it. She got a job and eventually we got married. Ironically she inherited some money from her parents which enabled us to buy a house outright. She didn’t insist I pay half or set up a mortgage agreement between us, she shared because that’s what people who are committed to each other do.

My advice to your boyfriend would be to forget about your debts but share costs between you and contribute as much as you can without making yourself unhappy and skint and go on holiday together! You’re a couple or are you just a mate and lodger? It sounds like this relationship is making you quite unhappy.