Arguing over money!

Indie_Kid

If you stay, things are just going to get worse and worse.

Somerset

Mojisola wrote: »

For the time being with a new job and living together being a new thing, you may want to see how things settle down

What struck me about earlier post's were the words like commitment, life-partner, marriage, when you have kids etc etc.


This relationship is none of the above. Despite knowing each other a long time, they have only started living together. There's a world of difference in being boyfriend/girlfriend and living together as a couple. These guy's have only just started that journey. The boyfriend might be a !!!!!!!!, or he might be adjusting just as much to not making all the decision's himself. Living together is a learning curve - it makes and it can break. But it doesn't sound like either party is chilled out at the reality.

Tamsin_Temrin

I strongly suggest that you do not have children with him unless you are legally married and have complete, hassle free access to all his money (and vice versa!).

Seriously. Dont go there. Think about maternity leave. Asking him for money for tampax because you have no money and him being able to refuse. Think about worrying if youv spent too much on the kids food/nappies. It may not happen to you, but it's not unknown. Dont take the risk.

Do not consider buying a joint property until this is sorted out. Do not offer to pay for things out of guilt or because there has been a meaningful pause and you aren't really committed to what the money is for anyway. Do not go without necessities for eg work.

It is possible to get there, but unless you have a mindset of 'ours' and not 'repayment' then you are not in a good relationship.

Suggest you make sure your life is not entirely revolving around him.

bristol_pilot

Somerset wrote: »

What struck me about earlier post's were the words like commitment, life-partner, marriage, when you have kids etc etc.


This relationship is none of the above. Despite knowing each other a long time, they have only started living together. There's a world of difference in being boyfriend/girlfriend and living together as a couple. These guy's have only just started that journey. The boyfriend might be a !!!!!!!!, or he might be adjusting just as much to not making all the decision's himself. Living together is a learning curve - it makes and it can break. But it doesn't sound like either party is chilled out at the reality.

Agree with this. £25k is not a high wage at all and not the sort of money that the OP's bf could contemplate maintaining a 'kept woman' on even if he wanted to (which he clearly doesn't). It must have crossed his mind what being married to the OP might be like - him earning and wifie spending. He clearly wants a gf right now, not a committed life partner. If the OP isn't content with that for now she should move on. The bf has diddly squat chance of recovering the 'debt' of £1,700 if the OP leaves so if she's not planning on staying she may as well go now and save herself repaying this.

I've been of the other side of this sort of relationship several times and when push comes to shove a shrill demand for open ended financial support when we're still at the bf/gf stage is usually a relationship breaker.

Mojisola

BunnieJ wrote: »

I have found that all them men in his family (that I know of, his dad and two older brothers) do what they want. No matter how much the may be in right or wrong or who they ask for advice, THEY will do what THEY want.

What has your BF said about the way his male relations behave?

Does he agree that the man in a relationship should be able to do what he wants?

Tamsin_Temrin

6 years is a good long time to have a pet rabbit. It does not mean you have to stay in a relationship forever after. If you are getting grief now, just think of putting up with @ sixty years more of it.

If his dad and brothers model 'I'm always right' behaviour, what evidence do you think that he will be different. Dont forget you havent seen him 24/7 for most of that relationship, so go on what its been like since you moved to Bristol.

See what he says about where all the costs came from, and take time to think about it before you commit to anything. Perhaps you could move out to a rented room somewhere to cut your own costs and reassess what is going on.

I believe that relationships can be worked out if both people involved really, really want it. Good luck.

Tink2

lee111s wrote: »

I think you're all being harsh saying he's not a keeper and that he shouldn't expect the money back.

Where do you draw the line? Say her car breaks down and she needs to borrow another £1500 to repair it, would thay be written off too? As the Op has said, if she was owed £2k she'd be miffed if it wasn't repaid. Why is it any different just because he makes more money.

A bank makes a lot more money than I do and I have to pay back debts when money is borrowed. On your reasoning they should just forget about it.

I own my own house and my girlfriend lives with me. If she needed to borrow such a sum of money it wouldn't be a problem but I'd expect it to be paid back when possible. £2000 is a lot of money when you run a house on your own (she's currently doing her masters do does not pay any money towards bills as she only works 8 hours per week).

Totally agree with this, it's not like it's just a few quid, we are talking almost 2 grand! Like lee says, where does it end!

Pollycat

BunnieJ wrote: »

But is this the way to feel in a committed relationship?

I think you already know the answer to that question.

BunnieJ wrote: »

What am I supposed to do? I've been with him for 6 years and have uprooted my whole life to be with him!

What are you supposed to do?
I don't know what you're 'supposed to do' but I would suggest that you read your posts on this thread and the replies you've had and think long and hard about whether you think you are in a 'committed relationship' with this man.

Tink2 wrote: »

Totally agree with this, it's not like it's just a few quid, we are talking almost 2 grand! Like lee says, where does it end!

Where does it end?
Hopefully with the OP deciding if she really wants to be with this man.

paulineb_2

Tink2 wrote: »

Totally agree with this, it's not like it's just a few quid, we are talking almost 2 grand! Like lee says, where does it end!

Have you read the entire thread and understood why she owes him this money and also that he seems to be asking for half of the deposit which is a sum that he'll get back in full when they move on?

If she had stayed with her parents she wouldn't owe him a penny, plus he would still have been worse off anyway as shes taking the place of I believe two flatmates

Shes being charged the costs of moving, plus half the deposit plus other various bits and pieces, was only working part time to begin with then her employer messed up her wages and its only just been sorted

Shes made quite clear that shes never ever been in debt before, as someone else said, there's quite a difference between this situation and someone just casually racking up debt.

Tink2

paulineb wrote: »

Have you read the entire thread and understood why she owes him this money and also that he seems to be asking for half of the deposit which is a sum that he'll get back in full when they move on?

If she had stayed with her parents she wouldn't owe him a penny, plus he would still have been worse off anyway as shes taking the place of I believe two flatmates

Shes being charged the costs of moving, plus half the deposit plus other various bits and pieces, was only working part time to begin with then her employer messed up her wages and its only just been sorted

Shes made quite clear that shes never ever been in debt before, as someone else said, there's quite a difference between this situation and someone just casually racking up debt.

If he's helped her out she should pay him back, simple as that