Arguing over money!

Kynthia

Although they've been together a while, their young age and the fact they've only just started living together means they aren't at the stage where they are ready to marry, have joint finances and financially support each other. They are still dating and therefore have seperate finances. The OP needs to work on her career and financial independence the same as she would if she were single. We don't know the boyfriend's thinking but the OP has already said he's generous and often pays for their nights out so he's no monster, but may have genuine concerns and they should communicate. He might be concerened by the fact that she's not made any repayment after so long and recieving the correct salary, he may not know those clothes were only £20 and be worried that she doesn't prioritise debts, he may be thinking that she's happy to let him carry her financially and that it may continue, we don't know. They still are learning about each other and are evolving as a couple, so they need to learn to sit down and have a proper discussion about their plans, their concerns and how they both think things should work.

FBaby

She spent £20. It is entirely possible that she could have spent 20 pounds on clothes and repaid him a sum of money.

mmm, I suspect there has been more than that. She has mentioned paying for the car and Christmas before. So the guy is waiting to be paid, she says she has no money to give him for 6 months because her job doesn't pay correctly, but somehow still has money for the car, and more frustratingly for Christmas presents. Still he says something. Then she finally gets the money, and instead of right away give him something, even if £100, she arranges to go shopping with a friend.

I suspect it is not the actual amount that matters but the principle. Whether it is £20 or £200, she has prioritise once again something else than paying her debts.

I think people here are looking at it in terms of amount. I think he is looking at it on the basis of principles, and I can totally understand how he feels. I too would really wonder how committed my partner is to the relationship if he constantly told me that he was going to repay me but didn't even when he got money coming in, yet went say down the pub with friends for a few beers.

daisiegg

I am surprised that losing out on 5 hours' pay a week made such a big impact on your finances that it meant the difference between being able to pay him back and not being able to pay him back.

I don't actually think it is right that you should have to 'pay him back' at all, but since that was the agreement, it is fair enough for him to expect you to honour it.

BunnieJ

I think there has been some confusion as to mine and my OH's living arrangements/employment status:

Did she get a job and move in with him or did she move in with him then get a job

If it was the former then he shouldn't have to pay her moving costs if she chose to change jobs

He asked her to move from London to Bristol to be with him when both his flatmates moved on.

To clarify things:

• I moved out of my parents' house in London
• He moved out of a house in Bristol he shared with 2 friends at the end of the tenancy
• We moved into a flat together in Bristol
• I left a part-time job in London to start a full-time job I was offered in Bristol

I am surprised that losing out on 5 hours' pay a week made such a big impact on your finances

5 Hours may not seem like much, but it was taking my hours worked per week down to only 30hrs! I was losing around £150/month of my wages! :mad: If I'd had this money I could have used it to start paying him back!

The OP needs to work on her career and financial independence the same as she would if she were single. We don't know the boyfriend's thinking but the OP has already said he's generous and often pays for their nights out so he's no monster, but may have genuine concerns and they should communicate.

Thank you for your advice. I am currently job hunting to find something better paid so I can contribute more to the household/have more disposable income to spend on things I want. I had to take a step down the career ladder in order to move to Bristol.

They still are learning about each other and are evolving as a couple, so they need to learn to sit down and have a proper discussion about their plans, their concerns and how they both think things should work.

My OH has since spoken to me, and I have discovered HE has his OWN money problems!

As we have yet to set up a joint account for our bills, I had just been transferring my contribution into his account. He has now informed me that the bills etc were more than he had expected/bugeted for so he has been using more of his own money to keep everything paid!

He didn't want to tell me as he knew I would be upset and try and pay more myself (putting me in further debt) as he knew I was having trouble with money due to my wages being incorrect

He said the last few months we have been struggling as his account was just hemorrhaging money for all our bills _pale_

Yesterday I booked in an appointment to get a joint account (just for our bills) set up. The closest bank to us with a slot available was Halifax. Neither of us use this bank, but we are going to try them as our banks are always fully booked when we've enquired before. Does anyone have any experience with them? :question:

We are also planning to rebudget as the old one clearly hasn't been working!!!!

My debt to him now stands at £900 for "moving costs" (he has agreed to forget the deposit as he will get that straight back when we leave), and £200 for my V Festival ticket. He hasn't asked for any more money even though he's been using "his" money to help cover the household bills.

Mojisola

Do a spreadsheet with all the household outgoings on it so that you can see what's being spent where.

Put a SOA on the Debt-free Board and see if people can suggest ways of reducing your outgoings.

Has he shown you the bank statements and all the bills that have come in so far?

BunnieJ

Thanks

I'll have a look at the Debt-free board now.

I haven't seen any of his bank statements as he has been using his personal account to pay for everything. I will discuss him showing me his statements when I get home tonight.

Once we have set up our joint "Household bills" account it will be much easier to go through the statements with each other.

Abbafan1972

Hi BunnieJ,

The Halifax are fine, we've had a joint account with them for a few years and haven't had any problems.

Make sure you are both open and honest with each other about finances, otherwise it will just cause so many problems.

BitterAndTwisted

My advice to you would be to NOT open a joint bank account with him. This makes you financially-linked and could have an impact on both of your financial futures. Some married couples don't have joint bank accounts for that reason.

Person_one

If you want to make a go of this, I would suggest getting in touch with Relate, so that you can have a good old chat about money and how you both think the finances should work in a relationship with a trained counsellor there who should be able to help you find common ground and common goals. These conversations about finances can be really tricky and you're already struggling, you don't need to be on the brink of separation or at each other's throats to benefit from counselling.

http://www.relate.org.uk/find-my-nearest-relate/centre/avon-relate-centre

pebbles88

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

My advice to you would be to NOT open a joint bank account with him. This makes you financially-linked and could have an impact on both of your financial futures. Some married couples don't have joint bank accounts for that reason.

^^^^this!!!!

Open another account in either of your names, & use that for household costs. A joint account will cause further headache & financial linking!