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Practical suggestions for getting over an inappropriate crush?

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  • I can't actually believe this but my friend has just text saying a list of who we have to work with as research partners next semester has been put up on the board and guess who I've been paired with? Great. Just bloody great. :-(

    Been lurking for a while but thought I'd put my tuppence in. I too am a mature student and can understand how this has happened. I think you are doing the right thing by trying to keep a distance. You sound like a nice person and you don't want to lose people's respect and more importantly, your self respect.

    The above concerns me though. Being forced to spend one to one time together is hardly what you need. Is there anyway you could request a different partner?
  • paulineb_2
    paulineb_2 Posts: 6,489 Forumite
    I can't actually believe this but my friend has just text saying a list of who we have to work with as research partners next semester has been put up on the board and guess who I've been paired with? Great. Just bloody great. :-(

    I dont think you should overthink this. You are on the same course, if you request to be paired with someone else it would look odd I think.

    You say that you were friends until January and then things changed.

    Well, all I can say is, it is possible to have feeling for someone and they you and still be friends, or its possible to have feelings for someone and those feelings fade and still be friends.

    You say he's filled a void in your life, work on filling that. Whatever that is, social life. There are so many people out there that you havent met yet. Hes not going to be the only person you'll ever fancy in your life, I bet that.

    You could meet someone else next week. He could meet someone else next week. He could leave his gf and the pair of you end up together, you dont know.

    But take the feelings you have for this man aside, if you really like him and I mean like him as opposed to being attracted to him and thats the one thing that you dont want to lose, I think you should think about being the bigger person, keep the pairing as it is and take life on a day to day basis.

    Because you dont know what the next few weeks or months are going to hold. Crushes can and do wear off.
  • Copperplate
    Copperplate Posts: 58 Forumite
    edited 21 March 2014 at 11:03PM
    paulineb wrote: »
    I dont think you should overthink this. You are on the same course, if you request to be paired with someone else it would look odd I think.

    You say that you were friends until January and then things changed.

    Well, all I can say is, it is possible to have feeling for someone and they you and still be friends, or its possible to have feelings for someone and those feelings fade and still be friends.

    You say he's filled a void in your life, work on filling that. Whatever that is, social life. There are so many people out there that you havent met yet. Hes not going to be the only person you'll ever fancy in your life, I bet that.

    You could meet someone else next week. He could meet someone else next week. He could leave his gf and the pair of you end up together, you dont know.

    But take the feelings you have for this man aside, if you really like him and I mean like him as opposed to being attracted to him and thats the one thing that you dont want to lose, I think you should think about being the bigger person, keep the pairing as it is and take life on a day to day basis.

    Because you dont know what the next few weeks or months are going to hold. Crushes can and do wear off.

    Yeah, I can't ask for a different partner, we've probably been put together because it's perceived we work well together and we do, so I just have to put my feelings aside and be professional. It just feels like another thing I didn't need. I genuinely feel like someone up there is laughing at my expense at times.

    Technically we are still friends, it's just that I have feelings for him. And I do like him as a person regardless of being attracted to him. As you say, I've just got to take it day to day. Hopefully this crush will wear off and I'll be able to work with him easily. Next semester doesn't start till after Easter anyway. Maybe things will have changed by then.

    The void in my life is that I'd really like a relationship I think. I'd like to be cared about by someone I care about, if I'm honest I'm lonely. I know that makes me sound pathetic. I've been single for a very long time. I haven't had a lot of success with men, I've been hurt so I decided to be on my own a few years ago because I didn't find it easy to trust anyone. Trying to look at what it is that he is giving to me...he makes me feel happy and safe, he is a gentleman to me, trustworthy, kind, I can laugh with him, be honest with him (well, in most ways :o), he makes me feel like I matter and it's ok to be me, he values my opinion and my time, he makes me feel special - he "sees" me. Again, I don't want to sound pathetic but I'm used to feeling invisible, I'm not used to feeling like I matter to a man. Obviously, I know he isn't mine and I shouldn't feel that way about someone else's boyfriend. I'm just trying to say, if I met someone else who I admired and liked as much as him and they made me feel the way he does and most importantly if he were single and wanted me - life would be pretty nice!

    I'm not making excuses, but I genuinely don't see where I have the time to meet someone new, between uni and work and then extra studying I don't get out much. Also, I've been used to being independent and looking after myself for a long time now so dating seems a bit alien to me. Like I said, it will have to be on the back burner for now. My studies are my priority.

    ETA: After reading that all back, maybe he just feels sorry for me lol!
  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker Xmas Saver!
    Just go and see the lecturer for the module and ask for a different partner. Just say it's a delicate situation and you don't feel it would be beneficial to your studies. Lists get changed all the time at uni. Odds are they won't ask for any more detail from you.

    As you say your studies are your priority so don't mess with them by having such a distracting partner.
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    MSE Florida wedding .....no problem
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,374 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Of course you can ask to be partnered with someone else..... If you really truly want to our some distance between you and him. I'm sorry OP but I don't believe it is what you want. I think toy are totally torn apart and day and write all the right thing to convince yourself that's what toy should do rather than what you want to do. Surely if you hated the guy you wouldn't think twice about asking to be partnered with someone else. I don't blame you though because if it was me I wouldn't be able to totally ignore my heart and instinct whatever my head told me.
  • Copperplate
    Copperplate Posts: 58 Forumite
    edited 22 March 2014 at 9:45AM
    duchy wrote: »
    Just go and see the lecturer for the module and ask for a different partner. Just say it's a delicate situation and you don't feel it would be beneficial to your studies. Lists get changed all the time at uni. Odds are they won't ask for any more detail from you.

    As you say your studies are your priority so don't mess with them by having such a distracting partner.
    FBaby wrote: »
    Of course you can ask to be partnered with someone else..... If you really truly want to our some distance between you and him. I'm sorry OP but I don't believe it is what you want. I think toy are totally torn apart and day and write all the right thing to convince yourself that's what toy should do rather than what you want to do. Surely if you hated the guy you wouldn't think twice about asking to be partnered with someone else. I don't blame you though because if it was me I wouldn't be able to totally ignore my heart and instinct whatever my head told me.

    Partnerships have been posted on a public noticeboard. If I go and see the head of course about this (the person who put us together) then I'm sure the guy himself plus a lot of the people on the course will want to know why I refused to work with him. I'd want to know why someone refused to work with me. I do not want to open a can of worms and I don't want to hurt anybody.

    I actually would work with someone I hated if I had been asked to, in fact I have been in the situation already on this course and managed it fine, albeit my tutor got a bit of a rant now and again in tutorials.

    Spending time academically is not the same as spending social time together. If anything, having to act professionally might help us both. I can say things like, "Sorry, I know you want to chat/giggle/tease me/have a heart to heart but my grade is really important to me. Can we focus on this please." if things ever start veering away from academia. Which they may well not. At the end of the day, I think he can look back on this week and see that he hasn't been appropriate me with and, knowing him, he'll try and put up some distance with me too on Monday. I'm expecting numerous "I'm Skyping my Girlfriend tonight" comments and "What's that you have on your sandwich? Oh my Girlfriend has that." and "Where did you go this weekend? Oh I'm going to take my Girlfriend there."

    I will fully admit to being torn between what I want and what I have to do but I know I can't follow my heart right now. Look, I'm a big girl, I can handle it. At the end of the day, I know I want to be able to hold my head up high and be able to say I did the right thing. Like I said, I've got the Easter Break before next semester, so hopefully we will both be in a better less confusing place by then. The worst that I can see happening is that I still have this crush on him and the fact that we can't be together continues to hurt me. I know myself well enough to know I won't act upon those feelings. I know it's not going to be easy for me. I'm determined that a) I won't hurt anyone else and b) my studies won't suffer.

    In my head, things have already changed and I've started building up a wall. I'm determined not to lose anymore sleep or tears over him. I've had crushes before and got over them. Plus, if he continues to do things that are making me feel led on in someway or used as a girlfriend substitute, then he wouldn't be the kind of man I could admire or respect anyway.
  • paulineb_2
    paulineb_2 Posts: 6,489 Forumite
    Tbh if he starts the 100 references to his gf I'd just say I know you have a gf, no need to keep mentioning it, we are friends, let's just concentrate on that.

    It's possible that he's finding the long distance relationship difficult and that it's being tested because he has feelings for you.

    You have feelings for him, I don't think there's any need to be building up walls, yes self preservation is important but if you like him and he likes you and the line does get crossed, it's up to both of you to step back.

    It's not always as simple as being in a relationship and having the blinkers on and never being attracted to someone else.

    A simple, we've got a bit closer than we should have lately, let's draw a line and move on is much better than him having to mention his gf 50 times because he feels he's got too close to you.
  • paulineb wrote: »
    Tbh if he starts the 100 references to his gf I'd just say I know you have a gf, no need to keep mentioning it, we are friends, let's just concentrate on that.

    It's possible that he's finding the long distance relationship difficult and that it's being tested because he has feelings for you.

    You have feelings for him, I don't think there's any need to be building up walls, yes self preservation is important but if you like him and he likes you and the line does get crossed, it's up to both of you to step back.

    It's not always as simple as being in a relationship and having the blinkers on and never being attracted to someone else.

    A simple, we've got a bit closer than we should have lately, let's draw a line and move on is much better than him having to mention his gf 50 times because he feels he's got too close to you.

    :o I know.... I suppose I find easier to put up with the girlfriend references than just ask him why he keeps feeling the need to mention her then deal with the fall out. And every time he does it, it does actually feel like I've just been stabbed but that's my own problem.

    It was worse when it came out of the blue, I know I'm going into uni on Monday fully expecting it and I can brace myself.

    I get what you say about not putting a wall up but it's the only way I feel I can deal with the situation at the moment. Also it's not like a huge 8 foot concrete wall, more like a sturdy fence that you can still pop your head over for a conversation ;).
  • HPoirot
    HPoirot Posts: 1,022 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Stoptober Survivor
    Honestly? If he is latching on to you - asking for lifts, getting quite close etc - and acts territorial when you say you have a date, then keeps bringing his girlfriend up - referring to her in a pointed way as if you had asked to take her place - then he needs to get a life.

    He may be lonely, and see you as his social saviour. Or he may be undecided between you and his girlfriend and wants to keep you hanging until the summer to see which of you he prefers. It is not unknown for completely decent looking guys to act in this way.

    You are doing the right thing in keeping your distance, I do not think it is healthy for you to have him marking you out as his territory so to speak. If he likes you, then he needs to sort himself out and not involve you in it.
  • ani*fan
    ani*fan Posts: 1,554 Forumite
    1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Hi there Copperplate :wave:

    I've just read through this thread; you sound so confused and have my sympathy with that. It's impossible to think clearly, make decisions and take action with this level of confusion. You're doing the right thing asking for help figuring it out. I don't want to add anything new, but just summarise a bit and offer my opinion. Hope it helps a little. :)

    You seem to have wandered by accident into this 'difficult to define' relationship. You're not partners with this man, but with the staring and hand squeezing this is not simply a friendship either. Something special has developed, but because of the girlfriend this has become almost intolerable for you, is taking up all your thoughts, doing your head in and you need something to change.

    Change will happen anyway 'cos it always does but the question is whether you can have some say in the changes, or whether you will continue to allow things to happen to you without much thought. I think you had a lightbulb moment when you posted this thread.

    You have a strong moral code (which happens to match mine :)). You're able to think about how his girlfriend would feel if she saw him behaving the way he does with you. You seem to be feeling a bit guilty about that already? Keep in mind that you've done nothing wrong, you're just getting to know this man.

    You said that although you miss him, you feel much calmer when you're not around him. It sounds as though you have already decided that you need to calm it down, at least for now. This doesn't mean you're writing off the hope of a relationship with him in the future, or that your feelings have changed, it just means that you're taking responsible action to take care of yourself until your head clears. And that is to be applauded!

    I like all of your ideas for making light of the hugs and the stares and all of his wooing behaviour. I think you know exactly how to carefully backpedal without hurting him or yourself. You can handle it.

    I don't think it makes any sense to have a 'talk' with him about how you're feeling. This will just heighten the emotion and add to the confusion. What you're trying to do is reduce it, be clear about your own boundaries, decide and be sure that since he's unavailable, your relationship is going nowhere for now and in giving yourself some space you're also giving him some to figure his own head out. So you're protecting you both.

    Whatever happens then, you'll be in a good position to keep thinking and navigating this as best you can.

    In the meantime, I will have my fingers crossed for you that he dumps the girlfriend, takes a month or two to feel bad about that, then recovers and invites you on a date. ;)
    If you know you have enough, you're rich. ;)
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