Practical suggestions for getting over an inappropriate crush?

Copperplate

justme111 wrote: »

I am with moneytooshorttomention , I struggle to understand why people who develop crushes don't come forward but keep mulling them over to the extent of it affecting their lives. You obviously regret being in a friend's zone but done everything possible to be placed in it - how does that work.
3

I wouldn't hesitate if he was single! I just don't think it's nice to go after someone who is in a relationship. I'd feel like a bad person.

justme111

Copperplate wrote: »

I wouldn't hesitate if he was single! I just don't think it's nice to go after someone who is in a relationship. I'd feel like a bad person.

Well you would be if you forced him to have a relationship with you or intercepted their correspondence - hiding letters etc. As you do not you just give him option , he would be free to chose. You see , it would be far trickier for him to be bluntly open with you because if you said no thanks he would not been able to continue with current gf with a clear conscience as he was ready to leave her for you and would jot have done it only because you said no thanks which would have made her second best. So basically he has far more to lose if he made a move (possible awkwardness plus current gf) while you have only possible awkwardness as a loss.

justme111

Of course he has an option just leaving his gf first. But if it transpired that you were not interested how severe would it be a blow to his judgement - would be very risky , and not only from selfish point of view of being left alone but for fear of beating himself up after and feeling a fool for making such an error of judgement .

paulineb_2

justme111 wrote: »

Of course he has an option just leaving his gf first. But if it transpired that you were not interested how severe would it be a blow to his judgement - would be very risky , and not only from selfish point of view of being left alone but for fear of beating himself up after and feeling a fool for making such an error of judgement .

The thing is, if hes even contemplating having a relationship with the OP, leaving his gf is what he should be thinking of doing, because neither person really should be in reserve as it were in case the other doesnt work out.

If he calls the wrong call, thats life Im afraid. Hes either committed to his girlfriend or he isnt, thats the bottom line.

Copperplate

Thanks justme...I actually genuinely hadn't looked at it from his point of view if he did like me (which I'm not 100 % sure of).

I'm not going to lie, at times part of me thinks he must be mad...what is the point in having a girlfriend thousands of miles away who he only gets to see once a year when he could have someone who thinks the world of him right here? But then I just keep coming back to the answer that she must be worth it. Or that he hasn't met anyone here who is worth giving her up for.

Anyway, I will definitely bear in mind what you've said. I'm torn between making it more obvious that I am interested in him and friend-zoning myself. I don't need to rush into anything at this stage. I'll just hold my horses for now and play it by ear.

Copperplate

And I'm rambling now but actually if the shoe was on the other foot and I was in a relationship and I found myself falling for someone else, if I wasn't sure I could make the existing relationship work or if I felt my feelings were just too strong for the new person then I would leave the existing relationship regardless of wether the new person wanted me or not because clearly the first person is not the right one.

He is in a long distance relationship so the benefits to that relationship aren't as obvious as they might be if he was in a relationship with someone closer to home. He wouldn't be losing a massive amount if they split up surely as he never sees her, it's not the same as splitting up with someone under your nose. So in my eyes she must be worth it. Part of him must believe she is the one for him. And I'm not.

paulineb_2

Copperplate wrote: »

And I'm rambling now but actually if the shoe was on the other foot and I was in a relationship and I found myself falling for someone else, if I wasn't sure I could make the existing relationship work or if I felt my feelings were just too strong for the new person then I would leave the existing relationship regardless of wether the new person wanted me or not because clearly the first person is not the right one.

He is in a long distance relationship so the benefits to that relationship aren't as obvious as they might be if he was in a relationship with someone closer to home. He wouldn't be losing a massive amount if they split up surely as he never sees her, it's not the same as splitting up with someone under your nose. So in my eyes she must be worth it. Part of him must believe she is the one for him. And I'm not.

Theres history with him and his girlfriend. And feelings. I think it would take someone quite calculating to ditch his girlfriend the minute someone else came on the scene.

To be fair you dont know what hed be losing. They spent time together in Thailand as you said earlier. Its not just as clear cut as I like this person and my girlfriend has to go.

But if he feels like that in a few weeks or a month or two then yes I would say, being in a relationship that he might not want to be in any longer isnt good for him or her.

The fact that he hasnt just given her the boot as soon as you and he became friendly might actually be the sign of someone who is actually a nice person.

Plus, speaking as someone whose last relationship that was long distance ended via text and it was me who sent the text because I was on the receiving end of just totally ridiculous behaviour, someone who clearly didnt want to be in a relationship with me or anyone else, who was ignoring texts, emails, any form of communication, seeing other people, I would much rather that the last time I saw that person that we had just decided to say, leave it, its not working, but he was the one who was over the top on the I want to be with you etc etc, lets keep it going.

Face to face is always better than text or email ending a relationship and thats tougher when its thousands of miles and not just a couple of hundred. But maybe he wants to see her again before making a decision, I would reckon that when he sees her again, he'll know whether he wants to be with her or not.

duchy

Women tend to leave relationships that aren't working but men stay until the next prospect looks fairly certain ...... in my experience.

I don't believe you really want to not have him as a partner on your assignment -however if I'm wrong and your studies really are more important to you than a possible relationship....... any lecturer worth their salt would make a change in these circumstances especially as the assignment hasn't started yet.

justme111

Copperplate wrote: »

And I'm rambling now but actually if the shoe was on the other foot and I was in a relationship and I found myself falling for someone else, if I wasn't sure I could make the existing relationship work or if I felt my feelings were just too strong for the new person then I would leave the existing relationship regardless of wether the new person wanted me or not because clearly the first person is not the right one.

He is in a long distance relationship so the benefits to that relationship aren't as obvious as they might be if he was in a relationship with someone closer to home. He wouldn't be losing a massive amount if they split up surely as he never sees her, it's not the same as splitting up with someone under your nose. So in my eyes she must be worth it. Part of him must believe she is the one for him. And I'm not.

Two observations : one referrs to Pauline's post as well. It all sounds right about not staying with present partner if you have feelings for someone else. Life is not that simple though as people are not quite sure what feelings are often or they may not let them develop but they understand if they let go they might have a chance of it blossoming, there is always questioning whether it is grass greener syndrome etc. So I am afraid it is not as clear cut as you make it sound. Of course if a thought about present partner makes one puke and one has erotic dreams with someone else night after night its pretty obvious , it often is not though.

Now , second observation - people get different things from being in a relationship. So your rationalizing does not work because you are assuming he does not get anything from it anyway but if he did not he would not been there and whatever he gets he is going to lose if he makes a move.

Copperplate

paulineb wrote: »

Theres history with him and his girlfriend. And feelings. I think it would take someone quite calculating to ditch his girlfriend the minute someone else came on the scene.

To be fair you dont know what hed be losing. They spent time together in Thailand as you said earlier. Its not just as clear cut as I like this person and my girlfriend has to go.

But if he feels like that in a few weeks or a month or two then yes I would say, being in a relationship that he might not want to be in any longer isnt good for him or her.

The fact that he hasnt just given her the boot as soon as you and he became friendly might actually be the sign of someone who is actually a nice person.

Plus, speaking as someone whose last relationship that was long distance ended via text and it was me who sent the text because I was on the receiving end of just totally ridiculous behaviour, someone who clearly didnt want to be in a relationship with me or anyone else, who was ignoring texts, emails, any form of communication, seeing other people, I would much rather that the last time I saw that person that we had just decided to say, leave it, its not working, but he was the one who was over the top on the I want to be with you etc etc, lets keep it going.

Face to face is always better than text or email ending a relationship and thats tougher when its thousands of miles and not just a couple of hundred. But maybe he wants to see her again before making a decision, I would reckon that when he sees her again, he'll know whether he wants to be with her or not.

That thought has also crossed my mind, Pauline. We get a long time off at Easter also and he himself has alluded to the fact that it will be strange not having me around everyday and that he feels he has to make the most of our time together whilst it is still term time. Him saying that has also made me wonder if he wants to see if he does have genuine feelings for me and is hoping that maybe they will go away over the break. I feel that way about him too, I'm hoping that some time away from him will help me get some clarity.