Practical suggestions for getting over an inappropriate crush?

Copperplate

Thanks for the replies,

I can only post very quickly as I am bogged down in coursework tonight. I am not sticking up for him but he genuinely isn't a player type at all. He is a lovely man. I am not getting anything out of this really at the moment, I don't crave drama or anything, it's just a case of me having fallen for him as a person - I feel like I have seen him as an authentic human being and that in so many ways he has been very honest with me and I like all that I see about him, if that makes any sense. I trust that he is a good person.

In terms of just being friends things haven't gone too well today...don't want to go into detail but I feel like alot has come to the surface today.

From what he has revealed to me today, I sense that he is happy to be in a long distance relationship because he is scared of truly opening up to someone and he has found it easier to be in a relationship with someone he can keep at bay to a certain extent? I don't feel comfortable discussing his private feelings which he shared on here but I definitely have greater insight into him after today. He also said something completely accidently and spontaneously, a total slip, that I know was not manufactured at all which was a definite revelation that he has had a thought of being with me - he was literally mortified the minute he said it and went bright red. There was this moment where he was just realising what he'd actually said and I think when he saw that I just accepted it and then went back to normal (although I possibly did grin like a Cheshire Cat), we kind of relaxed a bit.

I think its that thing of both of us knowing that we have feelings for each other, both of us knowing that we are people who try to do the right thing and both of us just accepting that we are where we are at right now. I'm not going to push him into making a choice. I'm just going to continue being myself, being open about who I am, being there for him but not hugging, spending time alone etc... Basically anything "Girlfriend-Like", well he's got a girlfriend for that and I won't be used as a substitute. He can make his decision in his own time.

I think if I am the one for him time will tell. I can wait.

Copperplate

Oh also for Frugalbride and FuzzyDuck, I just wanted to say... Prior to starting uni, I was dating a fair bit and lets just say I've kissed a few frogs in my time and have enough life experience to say that I've got to a point where I felt I knew what I was looking for in a relationship. I have had long periods of being single too and enough time to figure out what kind of man I want to be with and I knew that what I wanted next was a "real" relationship. I had totally decided that I wouldn't be focussed on my love life whilst at uni and that it would be easier to be single. I wouldn't be putting myself through this if I didn't think he was the kind of man I'd been looking for all along. I hope what I'm saying makes sense. I understand what you are saying about putting myself out there but I'm trying to say I have in the past and never come across anyone like him before.

justme111

A few observations - one does not have to be "player " or evil to use another person , its just the way the cookie crumbles.
You DO stick up for him and you saying that you don't is concerning , does not show great deal of awareness.
You contradict yourself - you say that you will continue as you are and immediately after you say you are nor going to be used as quasi gf.

Copperplate

justme111 wrote: »

A few observations - one does not have to be "player " or evil to use another person , its just the way the cookie crumbles.
You DO stick up for him and you saying that you don't is concerning , does not show great deal of awareness.
You contradict yourself - you say that you will continue as you are and immediately after you say you are nor going to be used as quasi gf.

When I say continue as I am doing, I don't mean how I have done in the past. I HAVE changed my behaviour towards him in that I will not be used as a substitute girlfriend - I am not eating lunch alone with him, I am not letting him hug me, or be alone with me, or isolate me from the group etc. When I say continue as I am, I mean I am not going to stop being me, I am not going to put on an act or be rude to him. I'm just going to let things be as they are right now. It's not a relationship, it's not a friendship and neither of us are doing anything wrong. Time will tell if anything happens in future.

I stick up for him because people on here seem to be trying to paint him in a light which to me doesn't add up to the person that he actually is in real life. What I'm trying to say is that I will defend him and it's not unjustified. He is a good person. He is not undeserving of compliments.

fairydiamond

Copperplate wrote: »

a definite revelation that he has had a thought of being with me - he was literally mortified the minute he said it and went bright red. There was this moment where he was just realising what he'd actually said and I think when he saw that I just accepted it and then went back to normal (although I possibly did grin like a Cheshire Cat), we kind of relaxed a bit.

I think its that thing of both of us knowing that we have feelings for each other

He has a girlfriend. This behaviour is becoming wrong. Why are you still engaging in conversation with him? He needs to leave his girlfriend or quit acting like this around you. It's wrong.

Brenny

fairydiamond wrote: »

He has a girlfriend. This behaviour is becoming wrong. Why are you still engaging in conversation with him? He needs to leave his girlfriend or quit acting like this around you. It's wrong.

I can see nothing wrong in how Copperplate is moving forwards. Yes there's a girlfriend but maybe meeting Copperplate has made him realise that the relationship has run its course and he will be looking to end it when he is able. Who knows? But don't flame the OP who is acting with dignity and honour.

fairydiamond

Brenny wrote: »

I can see nothing wrong in how Copperplate is moving forwards. Yes there's a girlfriend but maybe meeting Copperplate has made him realise that the relationship has run its course and he will be looking to end it when he is able. Who knows? But don't flame the OP who is acting with dignity and honour.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to flame the OP, I just do not like any of this at all. I feel sorry for this man's girlfriend, he clearly likes the OP and I just feel bad for his girlfriend...

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

fairydiamond wrote: »

He has a girlfriend. This behaviour is becoming wrong. Why are you still engaging in conversation with him? He needs to leave his girlfriend or quit acting like this around you. It's wrong.

Really? I have a boyfriend, but spend lots of time with my best mates (male). Some of them have said they thought about asking me out when we first met. We have insanely stupid conversations and sometimes very deep ones. Meeting up without a hug (or three) would be weird - and yes, it's the same when my boyfriend is there.

The OP could find that she ends up with a long lasting friendship, just by staying with things as they are - she's got free will and is in control of her actions. And if it turns out that she finds a relationship, as long as he decides of his own accord to finish with his girlfriend, that's fine too.

A rush of oxytocin shouldn't be enough to lose a friend over.

~Chameleon~

justme111 wrote: »

A few observations - one does not have to be "player " or evil to use another person , its just the way the cookie crumbles.
You DO stick up for him and you saying that you don't is concerning , does not show great deal of awareness.
You contradict yourself - you say that you will continue as you are and immediately after you say you are nor going to be used as quasi gf.

Why do people always look for the negatives? It astounds me at times.


I've been following this story and it looks to me to be the ultimate fairytale romance and I anticipate a post in the not too distant future letting us know they have well and truly fallen in love with each other.


I do agree, however, that it needs the guy to go visit his long term GF to accurately assess his feelings for both of these women in his life. Maybe over Easter? Does he have plans to fly out there during this time?

Only then will he be able to make a decision about whom he wishes to be with.

FBaby

From what he has revealed to me today, I sense that he is happy to be in a long distance relationship because he is scared of truly opening up to someone and he has found it easier to be in a relationship with someone he can keep at bay to a certain extent? I don't feel comfortable discussing his private feelings which he shared on here but I definitely have greater insight into him after today. He also said something completely accidently and spontaneously, a total slip, that I know was not manufactured at all which was a definite revelation that he has had a thought of being with me - he was literally mortified the minute he said it and went bright red. There was this moment where he was just realising what he'd actually said and I think when he saw that I just accepted it and then went back to normal (although I possibly did grin like a Cheshire Cat), we kind of relaxed a bit.

Oh how classical this is! You are so absorbed in it, you can't see that what you have described is how 99% of affairs start. The sudden confession that is totally innocent, the 'I have a girlfriend but I am with her because it is safe because I am scared of opening up...which will soon become 'but you make me feel different, I can open to you like I can't with anyone else' that will make you feel special.

I'm sorry OP but you are completely falling for it. I would bet everything that something will happen by the Summer. I just hope that he doesn't stir you along with all the 'accidental' words he will be telling you and that he is how genuine as you say and end his long distance relationship.