Practical suggestions for getting over an inappropriate crush?

FBaby

I have this thread at heart because it reminds me of a close friend of mine who announced 10 years ago that she was having an affair with someone we both knew. Even though I consider myself quite aware of what is going on, I had no idea at all it was the case. They were clearly close, but I just couldn't imagine them actually having fallen for it because both of them are very good people, with very high standard, the type of people who would be writing on a forum and screaming at anyone contemplating to cross the line. All I could think is how they got there, and they did very much the way you describe it here.

They worked together quite closely so had to spend time together. They told themselves they had no choice to do so, but both were convinced they could keep the pretense. Part of keeping the pretense was to talk about their partner, to make it seem like everything was normal. Despite their determination, the attraction took over. It took months building up until one evening they found themselves alone finishing working on a project, that lead to going for drink, and with the help of the alcohol, they took the next step, regretted it immediately, went back into pretense mode, until it happened again and it was then too late. It went on for 12 months and both ended up completely utterly miserable. It ended when she was prepared to leave her husband, he wasn't, she felt betrayed, started to hate him, and the anger became such that she decided to move on to another position. She has divorced since and remarried and all is well.

She has said to me on a few occasions that she really never thought it could happen to her, that she would always be able to say no to herself and him if it ever came to it, but when it got to it, she had lost track of reason, couldn't think clearly any longer, it was as if she was someone else. She said that since then she has promised herself that even if she ever felt slightly attracted to a man, she would walk away from any contact from them immediately, because she realised that no-one is as strong as they think when confronted with attraction and temptation.

When you first started posting, I thought you were not so into deep that you had cross that line, but the more you've been writing, about how you think he is the perfect man, how it hurts you when he talks about his girlfriend, how you find excuses why you can't avoid a certain level of contact, makes me think that you might not be that far off being left confused and having lost the notion of your morals. It takes a very very strong person to be able to continue a friendly relationship with someone they are attracted to, when they find out it is mutual, when they have daily contact.

Copperplate

ani*fan wrote: »

Hi there Copperplate :wave:

I've just read through this thread; you sound so confused and have my sympathy with that. It's impossible to think clearly, make decisions and take action with this level of confusion. You're doing the right thing asking for help figuring it out. I don't want to add anything new, but just summarise a bit and offer my opinion. Hope it helps a little.

You seem to have wandered by accident into this 'difficult to define' relationship. You're not partners with this man, but with the staring and hand squeezing this is not simply a friendship either. Something special has developed, but because of the girlfriend this has become almost intolerable for you, is taking up all your thoughts, doing your head in and you need something to change.

Change will happen anyway 'cos it always does but the question is whether you can have some say in the changes, or whether you will continue to allow things to happen to you without much thought. I think you had a lightbulb moment when you posted this thread.

You have a strong moral code (which happens to match mine ). You're able to think about how his girlfriend would feel if she saw him behaving the way he does with you. You seem to be feeling a bit guilty about that already? Keep in mind that you've done nothing wrong, you're just getting to know this man.

You said that although you miss him, you feel much calmer when you're not around him. It sounds as though you have already decided that you need to calm it down, at least for now. This doesn't mean you're writing off the hope of a relationship with him in the future, or that your feelings have changed, it just means that you're taking responsible action to take care of yourself until your head clears. And that is to be applauded!

I like all of your ideas for making light of the hugs and the stares and all of his wooing behaviour. I think you know exactly how to carefully backpedal without hurting him or yourself. You can handle it.

I don't think it makes any sense to have a 'talk' with him about how you're feeling. This will just heighten the emotion and add to the confusion. What you're trying to do is reduce it, be clear about your own boundaries, decide and be sure that since he's unavailable, your relationship is going nowhere for now and in giving yourself some space you're also giving him some to figure his own head out. So you're protecting you both.

Whatever happens then, you'll be in a good position to keep thinking and navigating this as best you can.

In the meantime, I will have my fingers crossed for you that he dumps the girlfriend, takes a month or two to feel bad about that, then recovers and invites you on a date.

I'm not quite sure what to say but thanking this post didn't seem like quite enough so I just wanted to say how much I loved this post - Thanks .


FBaby - thanks for sharing the story of your friend. I totally understand that they were both very good people and the last kind of people who would do that kind of thing etc but honestly, I'm not her and I know myself that I will not be getting involved further than I already have gotten. In terms of moments of weakness, neither of us ever drink more than one glass of alcohol if even that and I can't see us ever being alone in a non-public place in the future (including my car, lol!). I do believe, from things that have happened in my life and experiences I have had that I am that strong a person and that I can do this. Just posting on here has helped and made me realise that maybe I need to totally be honest about it with a real life friend who knows me and my history and will be able to give me a bit of support because keeping it in is quite painful and adding to the high emotion of it I think.

I also want to point out that I don't think he is the "perfect man". I don't think the perfect man exists and when I do meet someone I can actually be with I'd rather that they were real, human and honest than some unrealistic fairytale prince whose mask would slip over time. I can't deny that he has a lot of the qualities I am looking for in a boyfriend but obviously there is a massive problem in that he is someone else's boyfriend. Trust me, I know he's off limits and if he's the one that forgets that in future, I'm not afraid of reminding him if needs be.

And if I'm REALLY struggling, I'll head back to this thread and read through it to remind myself of my decisions.

FatVonD

Copperplate wrote: »

Partnerships have been posted on a public noticeboard. If I go and see the head of course about this (the person who put us together) then I'm sure the guy himself plus a lot of the people on the course will want to know why I refused to work with him. I'd want to know why someone refused to work with me. I do not want to open a can of worms and I don't want to hurt anybody.

I don't think it would be that obvious, it's not like you'd be the only ones being separated as another pair would have to change too.

paulineb_2

FatVonD wrote: »

I don't think it would be that obvious, it's not like you'd be the only ones being separated as another pair would have to change too.

Another pair would have to change because the OP and this man needed to change though.

Copperplate

FatVonD wrote: »

I don't think it would be that obvious, it's not like you'd be the only ones being separated as another pair would have to change too.

paulineb wrote: »

Another pair would have to change because the OP and this man needed to change though.

Exactly. There are only 25 of us on the course, I think it would be pretty obvious myself.

Anyway, someone has posted on Facebook saying they have been left off the list and the tutor has said they can join another pair. Straight away I have said I'd be happy to have them join us if my partner is in agreement. Hopefully he will be!

Copperplate

I wasn't sure if anyone would be interested but just thought I'd post and let people know how things have gone as today was the first that I saw him since starting this thread.

Things have actually went really well today. I was a bit apprehensive as he had messaged me quite a lot on Facebook last night which is something he has never done at all before - he doesn't even go on his account half the time. It was all uni-related in a jokey way but he actually had no real reason to message me at all and just seeing his face keeping coming up on my screen made me feel confused all over again so I was dreading today.

As soon as I saw him I got this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. I just half-smiled and walked straight to the water cooler and then joined some friends. Eventually he came over and I honestly thought he was going to ignore me but after a little while he made a jokey comment and I knew we'd be fine.

I think we did a good job of being friends today. He sat next to me again but there was no hugging or touching or long looks. Also no girlfriend references. We spent most of the time in the group but together if that makes any sense, most of our chatting was directed towards each other. He teased me quite a bit, we had nice surface chit chat, it didn't get too deep. We had fun. So it was fine. Yes, I still have feelings for him and putting up a comfortable distance wasn't easy but after today, I think we can definitely manage to just be friends.

Thanks for all the advice and support. It all helped me to go in today with a strong mind and to stick to my principles.

tayforth

ani*fan wrote: »

In the meantime, I will have my fingers crossed for you that he dumps the girlfriend, takes a month or two to feel bad about that, then recovers and invites you on a date.

Is it bad that I'm hoping for this too?

Copperplate

tayforth wrote: »

Is it bad that I'm hoping for this too?

I wouldn't hold my breath! If things go on how they have today, I'm sure I will be permanently in his "friend zone" lol if I'm not there already x But you can never have too many friends!

moneyistooshorttomention

Personally...for once I'd copy my mother in that situation and say "It's up to you. I'm seriously interested, but only if you don't have a girlfriend. Up to you to choose and come back to me if you finish with that girlfriend".

I'd copy her...because it worked and that boyfriend concerned is her husband/my father.

If he chooses the long-distance girlfriend then "Next please.....".

Either way, at least you know exactly where you stand. If he chooses you, then you are the "one and only".

I'll admit that, in my experience, long-distance relationships don't tend to be long-term (as the people concerned would make sure it was no longer long-distance if they were that serious about each other imo).

justme111

Copperplate wrote: »

I wouldn't hold my breath! If things go on how they have today, I'm sure I will be permanently in his "friend zone" lol if I'm not there already x But you can never have too many friends!

I am with moneytooshorttomention , I struggle to understand why people who develop crushes don't come forward but keep mulling them over to the extent of it affecting their lives. You obviously regret being in a friend's zone but done everything possible to be placed in it - how does that work.
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