Practical suggestions for getting over an inappropriate crush?

paulineb_2

Copperplate wrote: »

Ugh. I actually feel really used now. I'm sure that it wasn't his intention but still reading it makes me feel like I am just a "void filler" because I can see truth in that. Also has made me realise I have a void in my own life which he helps to fill so it's a two way street in someways. What a mess.


Just getting it out in words has helped, as has having other people's opinion/challenges. I can see things a bit more clearly now. I need a little break from the thread and from thinking about him, my head is spinning.

Well sometimes it is possible to fall for people even if you are in a relationship. However, personally until you are sure he does have feelings for you, I wouldnt be saying anything, because he might just turn round and say, I was being friendly, things might get awkward and friendship over.

I think if he does have genuine feelings for you, he'll voice them sooner or later anyway.

Copperplate

FBaby wrote: »

And to be fair if you continue as you both are this discussion will be inevitable anyway. What will you do next time you drop him off home (and yes it would be rude to tell him you won't do it any longer without an explanation) and he launches for a kiss before you have the chance to say no? He will run out before you can say anything and you will have no choice to plan 'the' talk. Might as well avoid such situation which would only complicate things and have it now.

I really don't think he is going to kiss me - if he was going to do that he could have attempted it yesterday, instead he just took my hand and squeezed it. Also, in the pretty much impossible chance that he attempted to, as hard as it would be I would stop him and lose my rag with him.

fairydiamond wrote: »

Hmmmm.... if my husband was acting like this around another woman I would be bloomin fuming. You practically are the other woman.

You need to get away from him. Simple as that.

Or, tell him how you feel and if he feels the same then he needs to sort it out with his girlfriend.

Please don't call me the other woman, as someone who has been cheated on and who also didn't have a relationship with her dad because he went off with a real other woman that really upsets me and makes me feel dirty. All I've really done is been his friend and been there for him. I have not acted upon my feelings. As I said, I am actually going out of my way to isolate myself from not only him but the rest of my course mates, taking myself off at lunch when I'd rather be with them, not going out socially etc. I am now trying to come up with more practical ways of avoiding him. Also, I don't know if it's worth mentioning but we never text or phone each other, never communicate through Facebook and never arrange to meet up just the two of us or meet up socially outside of college unless its in a group so again, I resent the comment that I am "practically the other woman".

paulineb wrote: »

Well sometimes it is possible to fall for people even if you are in a relationship. However, personally until you are sure he does have feelings for you, I wouldnt be saying anything, because he might just turn round and say, I was being friendly, things might get awkwards and friendship over.

I think if he does have genuine feelings for you, he'll voice them sooner or later anyway.

Having thought carefully about the advice on this thread etc, I still keep coming back to the point where I feel that I am on the same page as Paulineb.

I do not think it is fair on him or his girlfriend to tell him how I feel about him. I know people have tried to encourage me to be upfront about my feelings for him but I genuinely don't see how that is going to help anyone.

At the same time, this closeness, the hugs, the long looks etc etc need to stop because it's messing with my emotions and I don't deserve to be hurt anymore than his girlfriend does. I would just bring it up in a casual even jokey way but that gets the point across. As it is, I have started calling him out now and again in a jokey way when I catch him staring at me, saying, "What? What are you staring at now?! What do you want?". He usually just says, "Nothing, you just make me laugh" or shakes his head like he wasn't doing anything. Next time he hugs me (a lot of the time he sneaks up behind me and does it), I might just say, "I get that we're friends but you need to stop being this touchy feely with me. I don't want people thinking you and I are a thing. And plus, it makes me feel weird with you having a girlfriend and everything." but in a light hearted way. Our friendship is quite fun and lighthearted a lot of the time so I know I could do it and get away with it and if he ignores it I could then be a bit firmer with him and be well within my rights to be.

Georgiegirl256

Copperplate wrote: »

Ugh. I actually feel really used now. I'm sure that it wasn't his intention but still reading it makes me feel like I am just a "void filler" because I can see truth in that. Also has made me realise I have a void in my own life which he helps to fill so it's a two way street in someways. What a mess.


Just getting it out in words has helped, as has having other people's opinion/challenges. I can see things a bit more clearly now. I need a little break from the thread and from thinking about him, my head is spinning.

He's not neccessarily using you as a void filler, just something to bear in mind, as I wouldn't like to think of you getting hurt. For example, if his girlfriend comes over, and he drops you like a hot potato.

From what you've said, he does sound like a genuinely lovely person, and so me personally if I was in that position, I would carry on as normal, being friends with him, but be less touchy feely, give him less lifts, and don't be as flirty with him. If something's meant to come of it....then it will.

Oh, and don't be upset about someone saying that you are 'practically the other woman', because you are not, not even anywhere near.

FBaby

Then you need to go with the advice already provided which is to tell him that you don't want people to say things about you and therefore you need to stop all closeness. Tell him that you won't be taking him home and you will be going to lunch on your own when you are not sitting at the cafeteria.

Deep inside, if you really want to keep away from any confusion, you know it is not that hard to do, he won't take much for him to get the message.

duchy

I think you should have a talk...not with him but with your friend on the course and see how things look from *her* perspective. It might be helpful.
We are seeing it all through *your* eyes whereas she is seeing the situation as a third party who can see you both. She may have a different perspective and see things that you haven't thought were important to mention.

Copperplate

FBaby wrote: »

Then you need to go with the advice already provided which is to tell him that you don't want people to say things about you and therefore you need to stop all closeness. Tell him that you won't be taking him home and you will be going to lunch on your own when you are not sitting at the cafeteria.

Deep inside, if you really want to keep away from any confusion, you know it is not that hard to do, he won't take much for him to get the message.

Thanks but I don't feel the need to be that blunt and potentially that is going to cause more problems. At the end of the day, if he gets the message, I won't need to go to lunch on my own (I don't want to anyway, it makes me feel like an outcast!). Like I said, I think there is a way to do it light heartedly but still get the point across. Re lifts, I will just say I'm not going home, I'm going to the gym (can't believe it's taken me 24 hours to come up with that one ). Next time he sidles up to me when we are in the pub and I feel it's going to end up the two of us stuck in a corner chatting away all night, I'll listen to him for ten minutes then say, "come on, lets get back to the others before they say we're acting like an old married couple again." Next time he goes to hug me, I'll say, "Geez dude, get off I'm not your girlfriend, you know." Maybe people will say I should be direct but a) neither of us are confrontational, b) this way it doesn't have to get awkward or hurtful but gets the point across, c) in our minds I could see this helping to get us back to the friend zone.

I can't believe it's taken me all this angst to figure it out.

Copperplate

duchy wrote: »

I think you should have a talk...not with him but with your friend on the course and see how things look from *her* perspective. It might be helpful.
We are seeing it all through *your* eyes whereas she is seeing the situation as a third party who can see you both. She may have a different perspective and see things that you haven't thought were important to mention.

In her opinion, she can see why people think we are like a couple but she knows he speaks about his girlfriend and that I have told her I don't find him attractive so she thinks it's all innocent and that if people make comments it's because they are narrow-minded. Obviously she wasn't there in the car and she hasn't been there when he has joined me for lunch or asked me for a lift. I was telling her that I went into town for lunch and that 20 minutes later he came to the cafe and joined me and she seemed very surprised, and said "really?" and then yesterday I told her I was feeling sorry for him because he had confided in me that he was upset with how he was performing course wise and she again seemed very surprised that he is confiding in me. Tbh, she has started hanging around the two of us much more often in a third wheel kind of way, whenever he sits beside me, she sits on the other side...maybe she knows more than she is letting on.

culpepper

I am being a complete nosy parker here!
If you were my daughter telling me this I would say...
Sounds like he is lonely and wants a shoulder to lean on but how does that affect your chances of making friends with other people?
I mean if there are any other chaps who think 'she is a lovely girl' they will also be thinking 'she is attached,she is always in the company of that man,too bad for me she already has a close male friend'...
The man in this scenario is really not acting very appropriately because he has a girl friend but cadges for a lift and for constant female company with yourself!
If you and he were both men or both women you might be thinking that he was a hanger on, someone who acts like a limpet for fear that someone else will hop in and take his position of best friend away from him.
He certainly shouldn't be sitting in your car for a long time on reaching his destination, he should hop out and say thanks and wave on his way in. It is almost as if he is waiting for you to suggest something or is trying to screw up his courage to make a move and then thinking the better of it.
I wonder if he became more interested in you ,'more touchy feely' as you put it, when he realised you were interested in meeting men, which you indicated by your description of the date you went on.
I know this paints him as the baddie but Be alert to the fact that he may be open to a physical relationship with his remote girlfriend as his get out of jail free card.

egoode

Copperplate wrote: »

Tbh, she has started hanging around the two of us much more often in a third wheel kind of way, whenever he sits beside me, she sits on the other side...maybe she knows more than she is letting on.

Might not be a bad idea to have a third wheel, it wouldn't hurt to talk to her about how you feel as she knows you better than we can ever know you. She might also be able to come up with other strategies to ensure things stay in the friend zone.

Copperplate

I can't actually believe this but my friend has just text saying a list of who we have to work with as research partners next semester has been put up on the board and guess who I've been paired with? Great. Just bloody great. :-(