Practical suggestions for getting over an inappropriate crush?

strawbz

Copperplate wrote: »

Yes we do talk about my love life though much less so of late than when we were purely just friends. I went out on a date a couple of weeks ago with a guy who I wasn't really interested in and he teased me a lot about it. At the same time, looking back he seemed to get more touchy feely with me as soon as he knew someone had asked me out and if anything it's since then that we have started spending more time just us two, initiated mainly by him. It was after that that he asked me for a lift the first time. I have been open and said I'm not interested in anyone right now (ok, yes it's a lie) and that I am too busy to start a relationship whilst I am studying and working. I actively talk about his girlfriend (how is she doing? I bet you are both so excited about her coming over in June. Aww you must really miss her etc), partly to acknowledge the relationship and partly to try and show there is no jealousy but again, as of the past two or three weeks I'm finding it hard to bring it up because of my personal feelings for him but obviously that's something I need to keep doing.

Maybe this is why he isn't taking the plunge and declaring his undying love for you - you seem to be giving out a few mixed messages.

Just something to consider.

Copperplate

FatVonD wrote: »

But you are playing games because you are saying one thing and doing another. You are doing much the same on here (and trust me, I'm not trying to be harsh, I think you should go for it!) but on the one hand you're telling us all how you can't possibly go there and then you follow it up with examples of how he can't stop looking at you because (whether you are admitting it to us or possibly even yourself) you want to believe he feels the same.

It would make a big difference to most people if you were to clarify if theirs is a long-standing relationship or not . If it is an online-type thing and you might be saving him from losing a small fortune then I'm sure most would give you their 'permission' to go for it if that was what you were looking for.

I'm sorry but we will have to agree to disagree. I would say for the most part I am feeling something different to how I am choosing to behave i.e inside "I really want to be with him" vs. outside "so, how long is it now until your girlfriend is here? You must be getting excited.". The only person who is getting games played with them is me, I'm not playing games with him or her. I can't control how he looks at me. I'd rather he didn't feel the same way as I do. I'd rather believe he didn't like me. It would make everything easier. It's those moments when it feels mutual that are the hardest to deal with.

FBaby

I have to say they for someone who claims (or is trying to convince herself ) that she doesn't want to take things forward you seem to show some interest in trying to assess whether he could possibly be having feelings for you the way tout have for him. Personally I would be concerned about whether is intentions could be to have a fling with you telling you what to want to hear rather than contemplating something more serious. This is why I really think you are much better off being honest with him and say things as they are rather then trying to second guess his intentions and trying to respond in what you think is the right way.

Tiddlywinks

Copperplate wrote: »

The only way I could possibly know would be to ask and I'm not sure how that would go down .

I think we both feel less lonely around each other. I think I do give him some sort of comfort. I think he wouldn't be around me as much if his girlfriend was here. I'm beginning to feel like a substitute girlfriend. I had tried to justify that it was ok to be this close because we weren't physical/sexual with one another. Maybe he has done the same thing.

So, there is your starter for ten... This is how you should approach the subject.

Just say you are confused about what's going on with him and say you want to have a heart to heart to better understand the lay of the land.

Be honest and say that you are worried that one or both of you is misunderstanding the signals.

You have to have the conversation - for both of you to get what's going on.

Copperplate

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

That was my first thought too, that possibly he could be (for want of a better word) 'using' the OP as an emotional link, because he's missing being close to his girlfriend. For someone to talk too, have fun with, someone who makes them feel wanted and who can fill that void?

Not saying that he doesn't really like you OP, because it sounds like he really thinks a lot of you. Maybe he's seeing you as a very good friend, and sometimes the lines between friendship and being something more than friends can get blurred.

Ugh. I actually feel really used now. I'm sure that it wasn't his intention but still reading it makes me feel like I am just a "void filler" because I can see truth in that. Also has made me realise I have a void in my own life which he helps to fill so it's a two way street in someways. What a mess.


Just getting it out in words has helped, as has having other people's opinion/challenges. I can see things a bit more clearly now. I need a little break from the thread and from thinking about him, my head is spinning.

FBaby

And to be fair if you continue as you both are this discussion will be inevitable anyway. What will you do next time you drop him off home (and yes it would be rude to tell him you won't do it any longer without an explanation) and he launches for a kiss before you have the chance to say no? He will run out before you can say anything and you will have no choice to plan 'the' talk. Might as well avoid such situation which would only complicate things and have it now.

Yorkie1

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Not saying that he doesn't really like you OP, because it sounds like he really thinks a lot of you. Maybe he's seeing you as a very good friend, and sometimes the lines between friendship and being something more than friends can get blurred.

That was my first thought, OP. It can be very easy to wholly misinterpret 'signals'.

Rachylou1981 wrote: »

I think just telling him that you are worried about your closeness because of him having a girlfriend and the comments from people such as 'get a room' are bothering you will be enough to make him realise that you backing off is not intentionally mean/standoffish but is setting a boundary. Whether he is comfortable with the situation is irrelevant, you are not and we presume his gf wouldn't be either (even if he says she is fine with it - she probably doesn't know half of it).

This is what I'd do, I think. No need to muddy the waters with revealing your feelings, and he will know you well enough to understand your principles / that you mean what you say.

fairydiamond

Hmmmm.... if my husband was acting like this around another woman I would be bloomin fuming. You practically are the other woman.

You need to get away from him. Simple as that.

Or, tell him how you feel and if he feels the same then he needs to sort it out with his girlfriend.

RuthnJasper

Judi wrote: »

Very profound, but yes, your right. At least you know you've tried.

I totally agree. You'll never learn to swim in you don't first dip your toe in the water...

Plus, if he is the sort of person who treats the OP's admissions harshly and cruelly then, quite honestly, he isn't worth bothering about even as a friend.

Keep us posted OP. All the best; whatever you decide to do. x

RuthnJasper

Copperplate wrote: »

Ugh. I actually feel really used now. I'm sure that it wasn't his intention but still reading it makes me feel like I am just a "void filler" because I can see truth in that. Also has made me realise I have a void in my own life which he helps to fill so it's a two way street in someways. What a mess.


Just getting it out in words has helped, as has having other people's opinion/challenges. I can see things a bit more clearly now. I need a little break from the thread and from thinking about him, my head is spinning.

That's wise - and, don't forget, that none of us know you or the situation in depth; don't infer TOO much from what has been posted. You just have to do what seems right for you. x