Practical suggestions for getting over an inappropriate crush?

tea_lover

Alikay wrote: »

Incidently, why did you refer to my standards as "standards", in inverted comma's in your previous post? I think that is a bit rude .

Because I think they're very low, tbh! It doesn't matter whether the guy has been married for 20 years and never spent a night apart from his wife, is living with his gf, is in a LDR, or even if he has an imaginary gf based on a couple of online conversations - the point is that HE is saying he's not single. The polite response to that is to respect his relationship status, not say it's only 'real' if you're married.

FBaby

In the end, it is up to you to decide whether you rather stay away and avoid the hurt, and ultimately, it will the best for all because you are likely to meet someone else that will make you feel just the same but who will be available, or whether what you feel is different to what you have felt before, and you strongly feel deep inside that if it wasn't for the girlfriend abroad, you could have something strong going on.

I knew within a few days communicating with my OH and then meeting him that he was the one. I just knew. I guess I had been looking for someone like him for a long time, so when he was there, I knew. Thankfully, he was completely unattached and had been for some time. What would I have done if he wasn't? If he was married/living with someone, I would have certainly walked away immediately, but a gilfriend abroad that only saw a couple of times a year... I think I would have given it a chance, as in, continuing to get closer to him and hoping that he might break up with her because it would have been worth the pain that would have hit me if he had decided to marry her and move her with him.

What surprises me with your post is that on one hand you say that you are not prepared to be hurt and therefore would prefer to walk away from it, but then write

I know if I had a love life of my own things would be easier but I have so little free time and also it's kind of hard to stir up feelings for someone else when you have your dream man in every way but one beside you! I'm still at the stage where I can't imagine having these feelings for anyone else right now as stupid as it seems.

So not really sure how strongly you feel about him at this stage.

I know that from my perspective, I rather have regrets of having tried and loss however deep the pain than facing the hurt of always wondering what if. But once again, that would only be IF I felt very strongly that something real could happen and only after he had broken up.

System

I know that from my perspective, I rather have regrets of having tried and loss however deep the pain than facing the hurt of always wondering what if

Very profound, but yes, your right. At least you know you've tried.

Georgiegirl256

Alikay wrote: »

Some of the rudest comments I've read start with the phrase "How rude...". I was not being intentionally rude: This is an open forum and I was giving my opinion (which is only an opinion, not a proposal for legislation ) that the guy is still technically single. I did also say that I considered cheating wrong. Oh, and the OP referred to the other girl as a girlfriend which is generally used in the case of a less committed relationship rather than partner, which is more ambiguous, but often implies a shared home, life and kids etc.
:

Just reading through the comments, and this one stood out a mile! :eek:

If the guy still has a girlfriend, then how on earth could you still call him single? Girlfriend? Partner? What on earth does it matter what terminology is used, he's still with someone and that's that. If someone's with someone, then that to me means they are off limits.

FatVonD

I think you need to tell him, OP, not in a 'let's run off together' way but more along the lines of 'we need to distance ourselves a bit as I am developing feelings beyond friendship'.

If he's a decent bloke he will either do as you wish or, if the feelings are reciprocated, he can decide whether he wants to end things with his girlfriend and chance a relationship with you.

Copperplate

Judi wrote: »

Or given time she will see something in his character that she doesn't like.

Trust me I'm trying, I'm actively looking for turn offs. So far it's not working but hopefully he will do something gross soon .

duchy wrote: »

So how do you "always end up in the corner having deep and meaningful conversations" if you don't want to ?

Listen Sweetie-I am also a mature student and I understand the mature students hang together dynamic BUT no-one is forcing you into the corner with him, no one is forcing you to exclude the rest of the group and only speak to each other (although they've probably decided by now that's how you want it and left you to get on with it to a degree). You are acting like a couple within a group dynamic -If that is what you want...fine. If it isn't then connect better with the rest of the group and not break off and leave them whilst you huddle in the corner together for cosy chats. You are giving them....and him a very different message to what you are saying in your opening post by your actions.

You are right. I don't think I am intentionally doing something, it just sort of happens that we gravitate towards each other. Don't get me wrong, I have a very close female friend on the course who I'm with a lot so it's not like all my time is spent with him, I do manage to have time with the group but somehow we always end up with each other and even when I am away from him, doing something with the others, I'll look up and he'll be staring at me. But yes, I have to be more responsible for my actions I can see that now. I have to say though we do not exclude other members of the group. We both get along fine with everyone and there is a good group dynamic.

Rachylou1981 wrote: »

On the other side of it, do you ever date? Talk about dating/relationships with him? It would be interesting to hear his reaction to this type of conversation. The comment about him being angry at you on occasion and bringing his girlfriend up snappily sounds like he is either beating himself up for being too close to you and is reminding himself and you of her existence or he is jealous of something you are doing and is bringing her up to upset you.

Yes we do talk about my love life though much less so of late than when we were purely just friends. I went out on a date a couple of weeks ago with a guy who I wasn't really interested in and he teased me a lot about it. At the same time, looking back he seemed to get more touchy feely with me as soon as he knew someone had asked me out and if anything it's since then that we have started spending more time just us two, initiated mainly by him. It was after that that he asked me for a lift the first time. I have been open and said I'm not interested in anyone right now (ok, yes it's a lie) and that I am too busy to start a relationship whilst I am studying and working. I actively talk about his girlfriend (how is she doing? I bet you are both so excited about her coming over in June. Aww you must really miss her etc), partly to acknowledge the relationship and partly to try and show there is no jealousy but again, as of the past two or three weeks I'm finding it hard to bring it up because of my personal feelings for him but obviously that's something I need to keep doing.

FatVonD

Copperplate wrote: »

Yes we do talk about my love life though much less so of late than when we were purely just friends. I went out on a date a couple of weeks ago with a guy who I wasn't really interested in and he teased me a lot about it. At the same time, looking back he seemed to get more touchy feely with me as soon as he knew someone had asked me out and if anything it's since then that we have started spending more time just us two, initiated mainly by him. It was after that that he asked me for a lift the first time. I have been open and said I'm not interested in anyone right now (ok, yes it's a lie) and that I am too busy to start a relationship whilst I am studying and working. I actively talk about his girlfriend (how is she doing? I bet you are both so excited about her coming over in June. Aww you must really miss her etc), partly to acknowledge the relationship and partly to try and show there is no jealousy but again, as of the past two or three weeks I'm finding it hard to bring it up because of my personal feelings for him but obviously that's something I need to keep doing.

No offence intended, OP, but for a mature student these games all sound very immature, just grow up and tell him the truth!

Copperplate

vanessav wrote: »

You are getting 'closer and closer', you are having 'deep and meaningful conversations' which make you 'bond even more'. You sit together at every opportunity, 'he seems determined to spend time with' you and you 'adore spending time with' him. Last night, you sat in the car together chatting for ages and he was reluctant to leave you - coming back to squeeze your hand. You are acting 'more like boyfriend and girlfriend' and he gives you long hugs.
Does he tell his girlfriend these things over Skype? If she knew, would she see you as the 'other woman'?
Sounds very much like an emotional affair and things could easily get physical.
You need to take control. Tell him your relationship with him feels inappropriate because of his girlfriend.
If he wants you, he needs to do the decent thing by said girlfriend and free her to have a 'real life' relationship of her own.
Then he will be free for you - if that is what you want.

I didn't think of it being an "emotional affair" but this post has really hit a nerve. I constantly think, "would we be like this if his girlfriend was in the room?" and I'd say 99% of the time I try to ensure I am doing nothing to be ashamed of. The other 1% is my own stupid weakness. I'm constantly fighting the impulse to be the one who sits next to him or brings up a deep topic or squeezes his arm and I'm doing really daft things like trying to make myself look as minging as possible around him and totally avoid seeking his attention. Basically, I am trying my absolute hardest to not do what I actually really want to. But he needs to meet me half way. The conversations we have, I can't see that there is anything wrong in the topics themselves but yes we are getting to the point where we are becoming closer. I am definitely emotionally involved. I don't know about him. I will absolutely not let things get physical. In all honesty though, I wouldn't want my boyfriend being this friendly with a straight female.

I'd say, on his behalf, that it has been within the past two weeks that he has started to act like he really has feelings for me and isn't trying that hard to hide it. Hopefully over these three days that we are apart he will get some perspective and back off. If not, chances are I will have to let him know that our closeness feels wrong and i'm trying to be respectful to his girlfriend hopefully without having to spell out how I really feel about him.

FatVonD

And is it possible for you to tell us (because it might make a difference to people's perceptions... and also because I'm nosy ) is the girlfriend in Thailand someone he met on holiday or online who in all likelihood is stringing him and many others along or have they been boyfriend and girlfriend for some time and she has gone travelling.

tayforth

FatVonD wrote: »

I think you need to tell him, OP, not in a 'let's run off together' way but more along the lines of 'we need to distance ourselves a bit as I am developing feelings beyond friendship'.

If he's a decent bloke he will either do as you wish or, if the feelings are reciprocated, he can decide whether he wants to end things with his girlfriend and chance a relationship with you.

I think that this is the best practical advice, and it's been echoed by a few other posters.

1. It lets him know why you may act a bit distant without him feeling hurt and wondering why.

2. It lets him know how you feel (i.e. you have feelings for him, but you wouldn't act on them because he has a girlfriend).

Any decent guy would respect you for saying so. :A