Practical suggestions for getting over an inappropriate crush?

duchy

paulineb wrote: »

Id also be concerned if someone wanted to start a relationship 2 minutes after finishing with a gf, long distance or not.

To be fair you can meet someone and it can make you realize that something (like common goals, shared values, whatever) is missing from your current relationship and finish it. If it is over there is no reason not to move forward - Men in particular don't seem to feel the need for time before moving forward whereas women seem to (vast generalization I know before someone says otherwise )

GoldenShadow

I would tell him how you feel and say you need distance because of it. Then he won't think you're being rude, and might even understand the need for it. One of my very good male friends really likes me, but he knows I am with my OH and would never go elsewhere. If he couldn't deal with it or acted inappropriately then we wouldn't be friends, but he seems to bottle it well enough for it not to affect our friendship. It's very hard, but I'm one for talking about everything so there is no misunderstanding!

FBaby

paulineb wrote: »

Id also be concerned if someone wanted to start a relationship 2 minutes after finishing with a gf, long distance or not.

It can start very slowly just as things are now but without the guilt of what it could lead to.

GoldenShadow

paulineb wrote: »

Id also be concerned if someone wanted to start a relationship 2 minutes after finishing with a gf, long distance or not.

My OH broke up with his ex on NYE and we started dating less than two weeks later. Been together two years now. Despite having lived with his ex and been with her four years, they had grown out of the relationship and become friends and nothing more. I did come along after he split with her (we knew each other through work, only briefly) and did have your concerns, but I think quite often relationships amalgamate into friendship/companionship and one or both can realise that it has become something that it didn't use to be/they don't want.

Whether I wanted a relationship with the guy in the OP or not I would probably tell him how I feel just so he could understand my actions re distance.

paulineb_2

duchy wrote: »

To be fair you can meet someone and it can make you realize that something (like common goals, shared values, whatever) is missing from your current relationship and finish it. If it is over there is no reason not to move forward - Men in particular don't seem to feel the need for time before moving forward whereas women seem to (vast generalization I know before someone says otherwise )

Yes you can, but you can also rebound straight into a relationship with someone else who isnt the right person for you either and if that were the case, the OP could end up more hurt, if the man in this scenario realised that his relationship was unhappy, but just saw the OP as a rebound relationship, even if his intentions were good.

Given that she seems to have strong feelings for him and they havent even had a conversation about how they feel yet, she might end up getting more hurt if he leaves his gf and they go straight into a relationship together.

Just my view on things.

stardoman

paulineb wrote: »

Id also be concerned if someone wanted to start a relationship 2 minutes after finishing with a gf, long distance or not.

I wouldn't!!! I split up with my boyfriend of 4 years. It was his decision, I didn't really want the relationship to end. The next day, someone asked me out and I though I may as well as he seemed nice and it took my mind off how hurt I was feeling. We've now been married nearly 20 years and together for 25 years.

Copperplate

Thanks so much for all the replies, I like how different they all are! To be honest, I feel a bit calmer today but part of that is because I can't go to uni today because I have a hospital appointment in another city (nothing major!) and so, with the weekend as well, I don't have to see him for three days. That should hopefully help me get some perspective. It's one of those things where when I'm not around him I miss him so much but it's not as hard as when he's right next to me or when we are talking.

To answer a couple of points that came up;

Yes his relationship is long distance and they are not married but I keep thinking of the girl at the other end. In all honesty, they've only spent a couple of months together in their whole lives, unless they do marry they most likely won't get visas to live in each others countries and there is no talk of that or of making any major commitment, neither of them can afford to visit each other regularly. I can see there are practical difficulties. However, it is not my business, it is their relationship not mine. They have obviously decided that it is worth all of the rubbish that goes with a long distance relationship and they have put a lot of effort in as far as I can see, especially him. He has never said a bad word about her, he seems very happy about her. From what he says she seems to be very sweet girl and his eyes light up when he talks about her. I have been cheated on. I believe karma comes back to bite you in the !!!. So, as you can see, I don't see him as fair game just because its an LDR and they aren't married with kids.

All that being said, I can't lie, sometimes I definitely doubt that it's one sided on my behalf. I think it's fair to say he can sometimes be confused about his feelings about me. It's just that thing of glances at me lasting a little too long, hugs again lasting a little bit longer than they should, the fact that he is opening up to me a lot when he is actually a very private/guarded person and little comments I've picked up on that he has made about me. There have also been a couple of times where the closeness between us has got a bit awkward and he has, the next day, pretty much avoided me/been grumpy with me and when I spoke to him (tbh before I had feelings for him) to ask if he was ok he brought up his girlfriend. An example would be, "Yes. I'm fine. Actually I'm quite excited because I'm skyping my girlfriend tonight." but said in a very pointed almost angry way. I have totally backed off several times but it's so hard because I do have these feelings for him and also because to a certain extent he doesn't let me back off.

After reading back what I wrote last night, I did think maybe I should ask him to stop hugging me and taking my hand and stuff or the next time we have what feels like an intimate sort of moment which blurs the lines of friendship, I should just say that I don't feel comfortable because I don't think his girlfriend would be happy if she was watching and I'm trying to be respectful. I would find it really hard to tell him I was getting feelings for him for a number of reasons. Firstly, its a hard thing to do anyway and I agree with the poster that said it isn't like a Hollywood romance when it's real life - it can actually be pretty horrible. Secondly, I don't think that it's fair on him or her to suddenly dump the fact that I have feelings for him on to him. Thirdly, I'm scared he will hate me for telling him and our friendship will end. I genuinely don't think I could face that.

As an adult woman, I also wouldn't feel comfortable discussing my feelings for him with our pastoral tutor. I actually haven't told anyone at all apart from talking about it on here. Regards his difficulties with the course, I genuinely don't mind being there for him and I have encouraged him to discuss this with our tutor and he has.

Also, to the poster that said part of the attraction could be that he is taken...I know that does happen but in this case, that's not the way it is here. Someone already being in a relationship is very much unattractive to me. I know why I am attracted to him and it is much, much deeper than just a sexual attraction. I think possibly because he is in a relationship, when we got to know each other it was in a very pure way and with the amount of time we have to spend together on the degree we have gotten to see all sides of each other, the good, the bad and the ugly and we have got a lot closer than adult men and woman usually do without being in a relationship. The attraction thing just kind of snuck up on us. I know I should have been warier but as I said, I've had many platonic relationships and I know he has too so I didn't ever think it would get to this stage.

Academically, I am doing really well thank God. It isn't affecting my results, I'm getting the highest marks on assessments/essays. I am throwing myself into my work. Practically, how I am feeling is starting to affect my sleep and my mood is getting low. I think it's fair to say all my focus right now is on the course and on him so I don't have much else to take my mind off things. Because of having the course in the week and having to work, I don't get much free time.

I know if I had a love life of my own things would be easier but I have so little free time and also it's kind of hard to stir up feelings for someone else when you have your dream man in every way but one beside you! I'm still at the stage where I can't imagine having these feelings for anyone else right now as stupid as it seems. When I started uni, I decided I would be putting my love life on the back burner for the next two years (it's a top up to an existing qualification hence the unusual course length). I forgot that life sometimes gets in the way.

In terms of the "if he did break up with his girlfriend" scenario, I'm with Paulineb. Even though I'm one who called it a crush, I think it runs a lot deeper than that for me. I have very strong feelings for him, it sounds completely ridiculous but I adore him. I'm in real danger of getting hurt here and I think, at this age and with my life experience, it could put me off men for life if he just used me/saw me as a rebound. It would massively break my trust and faith in men. I also don't see the point in hoping he breaks up with her, it could never happen and wishing for a couple to break up isn't my style.

Sorry the reply is so long!

paulineb_2

stardoman wrote: »

I wouldn't!!! I split up with my boyfriend of 4 years. It was his decision, I didn't really want the relationship to end. The next day, someone asked me out and I though I may as well as he seemed nice and it took my mind off how hurt I was feeling. We've now been married nearly 20 years and together for 25 years.

That worked for you and it will have worked for other people too, but Im sure there are people who have met others just coming out of a long term relationship and people have ended up hurt because theyve then decided that they went into another relationship too soon.

Copperplate

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

If you want to put some distance between you, stop giving him lifts.

If he asks for a lift , you're not going straight home. You're going to meet a friend so you'll see him tomorrow, or you're off to do some chores and you'll see him tomorrow, etc and don't elaborate any further. Don't say you are going to the library to study etc or he will come with you.

Get out of the routine of spending time with him and the group outside of classes, but don't isolate yourself. Find other groups of people to start being with. My concern is you are being used for lifts home and a ear to bend, and in time if you weaken comfort sex while his girlfriend is away.


What's your home set up? Do you live with a different group of people to those on your course that you can socialise with? What about hobbies? Could you join a hobby group and socialise with them more? What about getting a small job at the weekend to earn some extra money and put you into the path of other people to socialise with?

If he tells you he has broken up with his girlfriend then all well and good, the way is clear (but just be careful of the impact on your studies if it doesn't work out). But don't be the reason for the break up. That's his business and he needs to get himself in sorted if a relationship with you is on his mind.

Never let someone so unconnected with you impact on your education. You could end up achieving less than you are capable of and he will be long gone.

Hi, thanks for your reply. I live alone. I have got people on the course who I socialise with and my friends/family at home. The societies at uni are mainly aimed at the young students and those that aren't we (the mature students) all go to together - it's a very rural small town with not a lot to do. I don't think he's using me and I can tell you straight that I will absolutely categorically not be having sex with someone who hasn't made a commitment to me let alone a friend who has a girlfriend. Also, not to give undue praise but he is a genuinely nice guy who has made absolutely no sexual advances towards me. Lets put it this way... if he had just wanted sex from me then he has had plenty of opportunity to make a move and he hasn't. He comes across as a total gentleman and, if this wasn't the case, with the amount of time we have spent together since September I'm sure the mask would have slipped by now!

In terms of asking for lifts and coming with me at lunch etc, sitting next to me...it's hard to explain...it's like he genuinely does just enjoy being around me and it's that thing of it being hard at the end of the day to say goodbye and also the fact that this is some of the only time we get to spend just the two of us away from the other students. I thought I was the only one who felt that way but it's starting to feel like he is feeling it too.

I agree I could say I'm going somewhere in a different direction and I might try this. Also, one to one time is clearly not ideal even though when we are out in a group we end up inevitably stuck in a corner talking to each other.

I suppose I just have to be more practical and less emotional about strategies to get away from him. There is also the added problem that everything inside of me is screaming that getting away from him is the last thing everything except my brain wants :rotfl:.

tayforth

OP - I can't offer any practical advice - you're clearly a good person who wouldn't get involved with someone who's attached. I'm sure you will do your best in this situation.

I just wanted to send you a big ((((hug)))) as I think you need one. I've been where you are and it's an emotional rollercoaster xxx